Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

[Elderly]

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

OP has taken plenty of advice. Her priorities and the priorities of a lot of posters aren’t aligned, so doing a lot of the “drop the rope” type of things won’t get her what she wants which, despite her title, isn’t just to be let alone to work.

Good for you

FiL sounds lovely

H sounds useless

SiL is a waste of space/skin/oxygen

You sound stressed.

Send H and SiL an invoice for all the caring you have done so far and include your resignation letter.

Your husband sounds spectacularly selfish and you sound like someone who has been ground down by it.
Hence you seething and tolerating his selfishness.
This is your future while you tolerate it.

I felt so mad on your behalf just reading this and for women in general, who so often find themselves in caring roles they didn’t ask for. Whose decision was it for him to move in? Because you and OH must have known that the lions share of this sort of stuff would fall to you. And it will only get worse as he gets older. While it’s still manageable- ish you need to set some boundaries and he needs to know that between certain times you aren’t to be disturbed unless he is ill or hurt. Do not let your work become less important than DH’s by default. I’m sure most things can wait till the work day is over or even better once DH gets home. When he gets older and actually may need more ‘caring for’ you will need a plan that the whole family needs to be involved in.

Tell your DH you can't do it anymore and go out early tomorrow, before he leaves, work in a cafe all day. Take it from there.

Agree with @Tubetrain do not WFH tomorrow go out first thing, do it for a week if you need to. Work in a cafe/library. Break the ability for DH to drop his responsibility on you.

I've read the first 100 posts and think the following needs to happen immediately.

1. you have a discussion with your DH (follow him if you need to) to discuss a timeline for sorting out his father and the sale of his parent's house.
2. Tell him (don't expect him to grasp it or guess) that you are no longer happy being the carer for his father and that he and his sister have to step up here, significantly.
3. Tell him (again, don't expect him to have guessed this) that you're job while not bringing in the same level of money as his, it is important to you and you can no longer go along with his father interrupting your day. He and his sister must arrange for a carer immediately and the carer could even be a live in carer in FiL's house (if the urgency to sell isn't as great as they are making out)
4. If they don't want to sell the house, you will make it your pet project to get the property sole a.s.a.p which should put a rocket up their arses!

First thing is to have that conversation with your husband about the current situation and to tell him it's no longer possible for it to continue as is. I'm not sure if you've reached your breaking point but it will come and at that point they could offer you the crown jewels to carry on as you are and you'll just want out. Nothing would make you stay and that will be the shocker for your DH and his sister as they'll think "What on earth happened there? There wasn't anything wrong with how things were working so why did @Elderly leave and ask for a divorce????"

Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

Thank you so much everyone. And thanks lookitsmeagain apologies for not responding sooner.
Its a tricky one as I obviously don’t want FIL to feel unwanted, but he is taking over my brain.
someone on here said am I Julia in motherland, which has shocked me!

Theyve sold their house, FIL bought a little one near us. I am working on getting removal firms sorted. The house they are selling is 6 hours away. DH swamped at work - he always gets too stressed doesn’t take a break then has a ‘flu’ which means he needs lots of cosseting.

I genuinely don’t know where to draw boundaries It’s always been a problem. - DH main earner, so I do the other stuff, which I never wanted to do. My career was in something that was super competitive and it’s changed completely now, hence I’m finding a new direction.
he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence.

set up a WhatsApp group for helping fil when he needs help. He can put his requests or questions on the thread for people to answer while you work away somewhere else. Not the spare bedroom, somewhere local, a premises open to laptop use.

get DH to make an instructions book for how to use the microwave etc.

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence.

This is a shocking thing. your career is valuable. It looks like you’ve been cornered into caring. I think you need to remove yourself from the house to work, check on him at lunchtimes if needs must, tell him you’ve got an hour to eat lunch and help but otherwise have to return to work.

you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’

Wow. So it's your job by default to pick up the thankless tasks he's too busy for? Has he always been like this? Your earlier comments about him retiring to bed and asking for things suggest he has fallen into thinking of you as doing the drudge work. FIL actually sounds more appreciative of your help!

Has any more been said about carers or other help? At this rate you'll be sucked into full time life assistant for him and his dad, indefinitely.

What a horror you married.
Could he possibly have any less respect for you?
I would be gathering paperwork together and getting legal advice.

Time to trial a separation and leave his father to him completely.
You have been set up as skivvy carer by a man who doesn't give a shiny shit zbout you.

Time to see who you can go and stay with, airbnb, whatever, whilst you take space.

Kindly OP, you have zero self respect to tolerate this and your huxband knows it, hence he speaks to you and treats you this way.

”I haven’t got a successful business because I am looking after FIL. From here on out, you can take responsibility and I will work to build my business to where it should be, if I’d been allowed to dedicate the time and resources you take for granted.”

Has someone suggested taxis? I read the word organising lifts.....why cant FIL phone for a cab as he sounds capable.

And THEN MIL calls, SIL calls. I’m getting overtaken like some wierd dr who thing. SIL lives abroad and keeps saying how grateful she is, they’ll get a carer .. we must keep a list of what we are spending.. oh and by the way she’ll need air fare money to come over.

Every time she says they'll get a carer, say "Oh good, I'll sort that out and send you the bills then".

Adult social worker here, absolutely look at day care centres, a lot of the people I support love it there and would go everyday if budgets would allow. Some people have days funded from LA and privately fund extra days they enjoy it that much. Some offer a pick up and drop off service, or there could be a LA subsidised transport service. Also maybe ask the GP for a referral to social prescribing. Can help with clubs and activities in your local area and making new friends if your FIL is new to the area.

I'd start of with 'Fuck off' and then walk away

How dare he!

Also, if you have a Men's Shed you can get him to. He sounds handy and he'd make himself useful while socialising

How many emails is this man getting and are they even important?? Wtf?

Ah, mens' self employment and womens' self employment. They're two different things, didn't you know?

Mens' self employment means they have to work really really hard and only get home once the DC have been fed and put to bed, and then they're too exhausted for any domestic duties because they've been working so hard.

Womens' self employment is usually a little job that they can fit in around their caring and housework responsibilities, and can be dropped at a moments' notice because it's not that important anyway.

😡😡😡

"My career bombed so that you could have a family. I have done every single thing ever since, you sycophantic prick. if you think for a minute that I have been sitting on the sofa eating Milk Tray all day, then you have another think coming.
I am going to stay with best friend in Scotland for a week or two.
Think about your options. toddleooo

Easy. Divorce.

This ^

How awful for you OP.

Knowing that your husband has zero respect for you and DOES NOT care about your wellbeing - your happiness and personal goals - where does this leave you? You do not have to live the rest of your life like this.

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’

Condescending bastard. You should start working from the library or something. He can sort something out for his father.

He sounds so completely disrespectful. I would resent the hell out of that.