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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

195 replies

Elderly · 09/01/2025 20:44

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

OP posts:
Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 22:17

This is unfair on you, OP.They can all piss off.

Stirabout · 09/01/2025 22:17

Leave the house in the morning to work.
A cafe or library or shared space ……anywhere.
Stay out when you’re working and get home when your dh does ( or preferably after for a while )

You are working and your FIL is your dhs dad. You looked after your dhs kids, job done….now it’s dhs turn to give some time up to care for family.

Just don’t do it
Refuse
No excuses
Make sure FIL has your dhs number and that should be your last job.

If FIL does need to go into a care home as some are saying here then really as dh is his carer now he can sort that.

HettysHandbag · 09/01/2025 22:21

You have a dh problem but you also have a FIL problem. If he was a carer for his wife, he can already do the things he's asking you to do??

Why is he suddenly helpless now that there is a young woman available to take over the wife work for him? He's taking the piss.

"Ha ha of course you can figure out the microwave Dave, you were an engineer/electrician/IT prof/accountant for 40 years. Now please let me get on with this or I'm not going to have any clients this time next month"

Butterbean21 · 09/01/2025 22:23

There must be a day centre or club with activities for him to go to. Even if it was for a 3 or 4 hours a week day it would give you time to get things done or have a bit of space. He sounds a bit lonely but would benefit from making new friends with similar interests if he is now 6h away from his own.

DH should be looking in to this and should be funded by FIL and taxis there and back. I hate that this role has been put upon you if you have not explicitly said you would be a carer for him.

Silvertulips · 09/01/2025 22:23

I agree.

You are just as important as DH, your job is as important to you as his is to him - how much you earn is irrelevant.

You need to stay eI am unhappy as I can’t work. I am tired because I haven’t been able to take a break - don’t draw FILminto the argument - tell your DH how you feel.

Copernicus321 · 09/01/2025 22:23

MIL came and lived with us and I looked after her for 18 months. It was like looking after a child, I got on with her which makes a massive difference.

Namenamchange · 09/01/2025 22:25

Elderly · 09/01/2025 21:07

Thanks namename no DH has a full time career, not the sort of thing you can go part time. He does wfh when he can. I’m just grumpy. And resentful - my mum was all alone in Covid times.

You have to decide what you want to do, and what boundaries you are happy to put in place.
I guess if dh is the main breadwinner then that makes it more tricky particularly if there is no option for him to reduce his hours.

You don’t say whether Fil has means to support himself with carers. But you are prioritising your dh’s job, be very careful as you could end up a carer to you Fil.

What would the plan be if Fil became ill very suddenly.?

Juiceinacup · 09/01/2025 22:29

Why the fixation on FIL’s laptop if he can’t open emails without help how important are these emails anyway? I’m sure the Nigerian Prince can wait til the evening for a reply.
get your DH to make a flask of tea or coffee for his dad and some soup or similar in a hot food flask and a sandwich ready made so his dad can see to himself during the day. Sort out any medication his dad is on and lay that out.
Your FIL either can manage bits for himself as long as someone is around for any emergencies or he can’t manage and needs some care arranged. Your problem is really with your DH he has assumed because you have a “ little job” that you will be happy to be your FIL’s cater did you agree to this? Thought not!
Recovery from an OP or something short term for a few weeks, yes that’s fine I did that 3 different times for my MIL when she had been in hospital but on-going care no I wasn’t prepared to do that and also my DH took over as soon as him came in from work and insisted I still met up with friends and did my usual stuff.

Inspirationfailure · 09/01/2025 22:33

Push back now because it will only get worse. So go out of the house to work, charge any costs to joint account and direct any FIL problems to DH.

Girlmath · 09/01/2025 22:33

Aww I feel a bit bad for your FIL, I'm not suggesting you will but please don't make him feel like a nuisance.
I think you need to have a sit down conversation with your DH to work out a plan and make sure he's pulling his weight with regards to 'care'.
I appreciate you've both got to work but if you go out to a cafe won't that leave FIL all alone?
Can you see if there are any clubs or things on he can go to during the day?
Hopefully once bank etc are sorted you won't have to help him with things like that very often going forward, but DH also needs to step up!

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2025 22:37

Hire a space in a shared workspace and got out to work.

Sounds like fil needs to find his feet. Mil found lots of activities in local church hall (doesn't go to church). She now does knitting, senior yoga, book club as well as others I can't remember. My own parents do activities at their local library - chess club etc

2chocolateoranges · 09/01/2025 22:38

I’m sorry but your dh needs to step up. My sil took sick leave to care for her mum before she passed, my dh finished work, got showered, made dinner and went over to his mums each night to make sure his sister was ok, when mil was in hospital he was in every single evening to see his mum.

he worked full time and still managed it.

Trallers · 09/01/2025 22:40

A pad of paper to jot down issues on. You can glance over if you have a moment during the work day and help with anything you feel able/want to. Dh can sort the rest when home.

Do spell out to him (DH that is) that you are having to make all the sacrifices for having HIS dad there. You wouldn't mind making some, except his life is blissfully unaffected and it's making you resentful. To be fair, there's probably a big element of out-of sight out of mind, with this happening while he's out of the house. But tell him, make him aware that you can't just do it all by default. Don't let it fester and make more issues than it needs to.

You sound like a lovely DIL.

Yikesthathurt · 09/01/2025 22:44

I feel a lot of these responses lack much humanity. How sad.

Autumnalmists · 09/01/2025 22:50

Your career and earning capacity are being impacted by your DH and SIL not providing the care.
during a 9-5 (adjust accordingly) working day you need to be able to work.

on days DH works from home it would be good if you have to be out of the home for the whole day every time so that he can see the impact it is having on you.

or a weekend away to visit family on your own on a week when you have not been available when he works from home.

Loooop · 09/01/2025 22:53

I wonder if this is a good long term plan. Sounds like FIL needed to stay with you to recuperate but is now in a new area away from all his friends and his wife. Isn’t he going to go back there to perhaps a flat or sheltered housing? Won’t he miss MIL who I expect he’d like to be visiting?

Crikeyalmighty · 09/01/2025 23:01

@LuluBlakey1 out of interest did she buy this flat ( ie a McCarthy and stone type set up) or is it rented /social housing. ? Because I've found a lot of the nice private ones like this can be fab - but require you to buy and then there's the selling issue- I've rarely seen rented ones with this level of attention unless at the £3k a month and above level

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 09/01/2025 23:02

Why fil is there?

Holesintheground · 09/01/2025 23:03

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2025 22:37

Hire a space in a shared workspace and got out to work.

Sounds like fil needs to find his feet. Mil found lots of activities in local church hall (doesn't go to church). She now does knitting, senior yoga, book club as well as others I can't remember. My own parents do activities at their local library - chess club etc

Sorry to generalise but in my experience, older men are terrible at finding themselves ways to keep occupied, or certainly any that don't also involve women catering for them and being social support. You're effectively replacing MIL as his daily companion. This comes from sexism and it can be fixed but will take time and, of course, input from your DH.

WeeOrcadian · 09/01/2025 23:05

I absolutely read that as "lost his penis"

I'm clearly sleep deprived 😐

Ger1atricMillennial · 09/01/2025 23:09

OP your having to do it because you are doing it.

Make an appointment with the GP and you FIL/DH and say I can't provide this level of care. It is effecting my income and I am becoming stressed what are the options? Day centre, your DH works flexibly, residential care lots of options.

It isn't going to change until you say something.

DingDongAlong · 09/01/2025 23:11

Just because DH is the breadwinner it doesn't mean there aren't other options where you share the load rather than it all being you. He can definitely investigate options at work as well as sourcing some daytime solutions for FIL so you can work. It relies on everyone giving a bit rather than you giving everything.

Chiconbelge · 09/01/2025 23:13

Does FIL have early-stage dementia do you think? Or is he lonely and having trouble adjusting to life without MIL?

Ariela · 09/01/2025 23:16

Do you have a local Age Concern? Ours is worth its weight in gold Our local one runs a day centre, so you pay a £30 annual fee to join, then book and pay per session. You could book FIL in for a day or for timed sessions as you need work. Ours offers all day 10-3 or lunch club 12-2, or various classes eg keep fit, computers, craft, singing, most include lunch too. You can also book help with various things (eg finances or computers) and things like hairdresser/barber and chiropodist too.

Delphiniumandlupins · 09/01/2025 23:18

The problem seems to be that your DH doesn't feel guilty that you or his father are inconvenienced or bored or unhappy or exhausted. Even organising all the services your FiL needs will take time. Your SiL can do research, emails and phone calls from overseas. Your DH can do similarly on his commute if he's not driving.