Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

[Elderly]

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

My humanity would be on full show if the OP and her dh were doing all they could to help FIL and MIL during this period. But it's all fallen to the OP hasn't it, as she is the woman.

If her dh wants people to feel empathy towards his folks then he needs to get down off his high and might work pedestal and help his wife.

I agree DH needs to step up, but the harshness of some replies is shocking. Older men do need education themselves - FIL no doubt is used to being waited on, but a bit of empathy and human understanding and not just ‘cut him off’ is also needed. My sympathy is certainly with OP, but it’s not all FIL ‘fault’ and therefore him who needs to be shutdown.

I also have my FIL moving to us next week, but we are dealing with this change as a family. I may be back with my own woes!

I’m in shock at your husband going off to bed leaving dirty dishes once dinner is over .. that is disgraceful.

god it’s awful how he is treating you and I wouldn’t take the calls from mil or sil - dh needs to deal with them. Sil is away carefree and she’s a blood relation.

my mother in law needs a lot of help but I don’t provide it as there are four of her children inc husband well capable. Your husband is being a user.

Rents.
Costs about ££2300 a month including the care, rent and utilities- care home was £1700 a week. Presumably, based in description,OPs FIL would require less care,

I believe people can buy but most tent - if they rent and require care they have to have had a soc worker to assess their needs. My aunt pays privately but if it got to the point where they couldn't, Soc Services would pick up the costs because it has been assessed as appropriate for her needs.

She put herself in a card home which was awful and she didn't want to stay. Soc services i sisted on assessment to get a place where she is.The security is sge is 'in the system' should she worsen.

My husband has perfected his inner Paul 🙃

Is there any way MIL can be moved to residential care nearer to your home and FIL go into sheltered/extra care on the same site or nearby? They must both be upset at being separated and if FIL is happy not to be in their previous long term home six hours away from you it makes sense for them both to be rehoused near to each other and nearer to you. Your house doesn't really sound big enough for FIL to have a permanent home there. You don't say how old your children are but it sounds like they no longer live at home. Can one of their bedrooms be temporarily converted into a space for FIL until things can be sorted? You can't go on like this until their house is sold!

What does FIL need a carer for? Dressing and showering? Meals? Getting out and about? This needs analysing and then your DH needs to organise a carer/help to do it short term until his long term arrangements are sorted. Lots of suggestions above from others on how to navigate your day at home with him. I'm sure you want him to be comfortable and happy but he and your DH have to acknowledge that when you are working you are not available to help.
Good luck. You sound a lovely DIL.

@Elderly why is your fil living with you and your dh and not living with your mil?????

I've read the whole thread and still can't work out who is where, and why!!!

@Thursdaygirl I've read the whole thread and still can't work out who is where, and why!!! I have worked out that mil is in a home, sil is in another country and dh is a lazy bastard! op should have put this in original post then we would understand! 😄

@LuluBlakey1 that sounds a really great deal for the money!! If I was in that position that would suit me

OP, what did you decide?
Working outside the home, noise cancelling headphones, or telling your DH that you quit from the role you never agreed to?

FIL no doubt is used to being waited on

Why "no doubt" ?

My Dad would have been well into his 90s now if he were still alive, and was never "waited upon".
I went to a funeral last week of a friend who was weeks short of his 100th birthday. He wasn't "used to being waited upon" either. I have several friends in their 80s who have never had servants.

Tell your husband you are not available for day care as you have a job!!

Well your dh sounds like an absolute tosser.

your poor fil probably already feels like a burden.

Well in the more traditional set up, women kept house, the man worked. It wasn’t uncommon, so hardly surprising. The woman did the house based chores. With an 80 year old father and FIL, perhaps it’s just my experience. I’m not saying my FIL did nothing, but he certainly sees more ‘wife work’ as the natural order of things… as does the OP’s DH, so I made the connection as to that also being his lived experience.

@Yikesthathurt my FIL too at 85 - still perfectly independent but plinks himself in mine like it's a hotel with measures/ housekeeper - I do like him but he clearly sees this as the natural order- I'm 63

I don’t know any men with servants, officially, but I know quite a few who expect to be waited on by their wives. And their wives, despite working themselves, also seem to feel that’s their role.

I know plenty of men in their 70s and 80s who expect to be waited on by their wives or daughters. Come to think of it, I know some younger men with that mentality too. They aren't bad men, they're just used to that difference in gender roles, which is of course perpetuated by the women who wait on them!

Apologies if already suggested. Not read whole thread and I'm also unsure if the house is sold yet or it's in the process of selling.
I just thought that if the money is going to be spent entirely or virtually entirely on care fees have you thought about equity release? He could stay in the house but get a lump sum to pay the fees.
Don't normally think ER is a good idea but if it is a situation where there won't be any money to pass on anyway it may be a good solution or at least worth looking at.

Thank you everyone!
FIL actually very nice tho very stressed,and trying hard to adjust to a complete change of life. He doesn’t expect to be waited on, he wants stuff to do so he doesn’t feel like a spare part. - he’s just done all the ironing, yay!
He spent the last 4 or more years running up stairs to look after a very disabled and bed bound, wife. She doesn’t want to move near us. He does.
nightmare!
I just want to take FIL to clubs etc so he can rebuild a life. Hes unsteady on his pins so needs help. I’d like to take him but am busy, or in an office 3 days.
He drives me potty - but that’s because we are both/all adjusting. I don’t like to leave him on his own all day, bored, that’s not good for anyone. But I find it hard to get on as he is ALWAYS there and always trying to be nice.
just thought I owe it to you guys who are being so helpful to clear things up a bit! Thank you. I think boundaries of time, meet for lunch etc may be the way. As suggested by pps.

Are there any day care centres nearby. I live in southern Ireland and some of the centres have minibuses to collect their clients and drop them home. Normally pickup at 9.00 and home around 4.30. There are different activities arranged each day. Is this something that would suit your FIL

You sound a lovely person OP, so does he.

nutsabout Day care centers! That’s a good idea, I’ll check it out.
maybe I’ll post on the village Facebook, maybe there are other people and we can share lifts. Hmmm.
greyareas thank you! I’m not sure I am as I’m getting really fed up with everyone.DH decided he had a cold and went to bed at 6, then asked for juice etc.do I look like I want to wait on him and spend all evening with his dad?! To his credit he came down again. I rarely get cross but I was seething! And no, I’m not going to let him react to me getting cross by getting cross with me. Humpf.
!

These post are so frustrating. Plenty of advice given but no take up - carrying on being a martyr.

Another vote for day centre or oldies activities, near us we have a community hub with a cafe, a lot of elderly people go there and do things like seated exercise classes then go for lunch in the cafe, if you dropped him off you could arrange a taxi to pick him up.
It sounds from your posts that he’s probably lost his purpose, if he was the main carer for his wife who has since gone into a home?
Your DH should be stepping up more, I’m sure once settled in properly the situation will improve. Your FIL must feel like a burden, missing his wife and trying to get grips with things, I really feel for him, and you because it’s not fair that you’ve taken on most of the responsibility.