Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

[Elderly]

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

This

Can you invent client meetings and go and work from a cafe some days just to escape?

On a practical level, if FiL isn’t so poorly he has to be in a home he almost certainly isn’t so poorly he can’t understand not to disturb you. His life doesn’t have to be perfect before you put some of your needs first. He just needs not to be danger.

So when he tiptoes into the room and says “Sorry, I’m useless…” you need to say something along the lines of “You can’t disturb me in here during work hours, FiL. I am at work. Text DH and he can sort things out at 6 o’clock.” Or similar.

As you say - to some extent you are your own worst enemy here. If you care about FiL’s well being more than DH or SiL do then you are going to be landed with the care more than DH or SiL are. You need to start heading off when DH comes in the door. Either to your room or better yet, get yourself some hobbies/dates with friends/etc. Don’t lose out to your DH’s brinkmanship. FiL is not your responsibility. And you getting your career back on track is important to you and your DCs (which is your responsibility).

You need to have an urgent conversation with your husband in which he assumes full responsibility for his father. I'd consider moving out temporarily if that's what it takes.

I would be tempted to invent a work trip away for a few nights!

Is the home your MIL is in far away? Would it be feasible to take him there every day or most days with his laptop and he can be with her?

Your DH is slacking on this. If you were in hospital, he'd have to do it or accept that it's ok for his dad to be left alone. He must sort that ASAP. What's the longer term plan for FIL?

Also, your SIL is talking as if their money is hers. As a pp said she's not offering her own money! I would be saying that as you're not able to work while caring for FIL, money to compensate will need to come first from the PILS assets. Also who does she think will pay her air fare? 🙄

Me too. Every day you do this is settling your career back while your husbands gets better. Nothing you are doing will stop him deciding to leave in the future when you are so worn down from caring he fancies someone new.

Put a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door to the room you are working in (when you are working). If FIL disturbs you, ask if it’s an emergency. If it clearly isn’t, say “yes I will come and help when I’m free in an hour or so / a couple of hours” Then help when you are stopping anyway for a cup of tea etc if it’s something small. It sounds like this could be your life for the foreseeable future, so you have to get a handle on things quickly, or you will become default dogsbody.

You are married to a selfish prick who thinks it is your job to be skivvy to his father.

Get a job asap out of the house.
I would get the serious ick for my husband if he thought this was acceptable.

I too would be looking at a trip or an extended visit anywhere.
I would not be used like this.

Is there a reason FIL isn't in his own home with carers coming in , as you don't have to sell to pay MIL fees if there still an over 65 at home -

You need to treat your work as important, or no one else will. Get a do not disturb sign, wear headphones or close the door. Remind DH and his dsis that you are not the default carer. Say no to 50% or more of everyone's requests.

oh and by the way she’ll need air fare money to come over

Wow. Is that fairly indicative of her? Or is it somewhat reasonable for some reason that isn’t obvious from what you’ve posted?

If indicative, you should probably heavily suggest to DH that he get a financial power of attorney set up for PiL that cuts her out, now, before FiL’s capacity to consent goes and you have to go through the courts. Her having PoA would really complicate things if she’s abroad anyway, but particularly with that sort of attitude.

@Elderly I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job

Unless his commute involves walking, his commute cannot be tiring. Driving or standing on a train doesn't cause tiredness.

Office jobs do not cause tiredness either because they involve sitting at a desk.

sammyspoon you are funny!
thanks all. FIL was MIL sole carer, and they denied how crap things were getting . FIL suddenly ill so had to come here to recuperate, MIL had to go to nearest home as she couldn’t be moved. We are 6 hours drive.
I think the sign on door etc is a good idea, as is,’DH will sort it later’
thanks for the warning rawbloomers yes, it’s fairly indicative.
DH and I are struggling how to deal with that - obviously she should see FIL. But, her idea of broke is different to ours!
She and DH have POA once both parents are potty.

Sorry…I’m still not following. SIL is expecting YOU to fund her flights home? WTAF?

Get him the help books - Computers for Seniors - Dummies, Internet for Seniors made Easy, Laptop for Seniors - and a few more - Amazon.

I can’t work out if you mean your FIL or DH FIL, i think the title of this thread and your first post mentions both? And I can’t under the dynamic either?

Are you Julia from Motherland? 😂

Could you find a local Computer Club (or Council run computer class), or some other social activity, for him to do? Would give you a break and would give him some company and activity.

Tell husband his dad needs a caregiver and you neither have the time or qualifications for the job.

Why doesn't FIL move into an Assisted Living/Extra Care flat. They are intended for people who are not assessed as requiring a care home but need extra help. My aunt lives in one. It is a lovely flat in a new building with carers on site. She has a care plan- was assessed by a social worker. She has carers 4 times a day who work to this plan- shower, dress, meds, meals. In addition they do her shopping and washing and she has an emergency button if she needs immediate help There is a cafe on site and a lovely social lounge and garden. It is very safe and she has the privacy of her own flat.
Other residents have a wide range of needs- a number are men whose wives have died or are in a care home with dementia. They generally need much less care than my aunt. Residents can come and go as they please and the men often go out for walks, go across to the local swimming pool for swimming sessions, play cards or dominoes. There are film evenings, they sit and chat together in the social area or cafe. Even with all the care my aunt has it is about 30% of the cost of the care home she was in and is 100% nicer and she is much better looked after and encouraged to be as independent as possible.

You have a DH problem, not a FIL/ Sil problem. What were the terms you agree with DH when this crisis occurred?

Dh needs to contact social services for the region FIL lives (as in the home he shared with MIL) to get him assessed at his own home. Your dh will have to take some sort of unpaid leave/ carers leave and go back the 6 hours with him, meet with SS and leave him in their hands, with him then doing monthly visits down to him.

This should not be on you.

Your husband is useless. I feel sorry for you.

Are there any libraries near you? Even the smallest ones have desks you can use to work in all day for free. Do that and leave the house each day to get your work done - tell FIL you need to do some errands