Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

[Elderly]

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

Age Uk runs computer classes for OAPs and they are very good.

I really think you need to manage expectations. It may be different if you work very limited hours and your DH was rushing home from work to spend time with his dad, but the fact he is disappearing soon after getting home and leaving what is primarily his responsibility as a son to you is shameful.

It is hard, and some elderly people seem to get fixated with things we take in our stride. When I was with MIL (mid 90s ) recently, she was having issues with an online supermarket order. She would have worked it out in the end but I could see she was getting exhausted, so I helped her. However, that was in the Christmas holidays and she normally lives independently with three carer visits a day and we live 90 minutes away and commute even further to work full time ( consequences of the raise in pension age to age 67).

Be very careful you don’t get pulled in to being a carer by default, it should be a conscious commitment and shared responsibility where possible.Elderly care is expensive and some will try to inherit more by not procuring appropriate care while not being willing to share the practical caring themselves. Remember, put your own oxygen mask on first.

Yes. We did this for MIL and it was excellent.

This was my reaction. I can't stop thinking about the 1/4 onion in the fridge!

OP, if you haven't watched motherland, that will take your mind off things. Sorry I've got no more helpful advice than that.

Tell your DH he doesn't get to sabotage your job and expect there to be no consequences.

You certainly haven’t increased the amount of humanity with your input, Yikes.

@Gremlins101 @decorativecushions Just as long as her DH is not channeling his inner Paul, I will always be there to pick up the balls and pass them back to you so you can keep juggling,and other memorable phrases.

Do speak to social services about daycare and Age Concern for advice and facilities in your area. Local churches often run coffee mornings

Where's her husband's humanity then?

How much discussion was there between you and your dh, about boundaries and about workload, before your FiL moved in ?

Why does your FiL need to live with you permanently? Can he not now go back to his house?
if he is a permanent addition to the household, how was this agreed and set up? I’m sure it’s a lot of change for your FiL to absorb and must be tricky for him, but it will be better all round if some proper boundaries are put in place. And your DH should be taking on the lion’s share!

The trouble is, you are choosing to do this OP.

You are the only person who can solve the problem by, well, choosing not to do it.

Ask your husband a very genuine question and insist on getting an answer

"How would you solve this if I didn't exist?"

Press him for an answer.

Then tell him to do that, because you quit.

I'm serious. This situation could drag on for years and you are sacrificing your new career because nobody in this situation values you enough.

You get one life, only one.

They see you and your work as less important. You are connected to an entire family of CFs.

Have a word with you husband.

Tell him to have a word with his family.

If that doesn't work ...

Announce you have to return to working in the office.
Even if you don't go in -
Book space in a co working place.
Go to a cafe / library to work.
Anything but be IN.

If that's not possible, get a lock put on the door.

If that's not possible, work in massive headphones. Whenever he wanders in, suddenly be on a very important call.

Leave the house to work. No-one will respect a sign on the door and you’ll just get fed up. Come back at lunch if you feel really bad. But I promise no one will respect a sign and may even just make fun of it.

Are you the poster whose DH was looking to buy a house nearer to you as a renovation project to keep FIL occupied?
And FIL is in his 80s and recovering from heart surgery, if I remember rightly?
Everyone told you not to let him move in!

I'd invest in large noise-cancelling headphones and a door lock so you can work. You could make lunch for FIL midday, but the rest is on your H (I won't say DH as he's not being a dear to you!).

What's the agreement with FIL? Will he move into your house, or temporary whilst he recovers from illness?

Either way, make plans, state boundaries and look into coworking spaces if you need to!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5222392-teen-son-and-fil?postsby=Whatthewhatnowreally

My FIL is dead, DH sister also lives overseas, DH Mother is saying she wants to live in an annexe next to us. I have said I will divorce DH if he expects me to live with her.

@Elderly If I remember correctly you had no say in FIL moving in.

Your DH is not being fair with his big important career. It is his Dad and he needs to step up.

I agree with pp try to find day care/mens shed that will take FIL for one or two days a week.

Look at Home Instead https://www.homeinstead.co.uk they don’t just provide personal care. They can provide companionship, take FIL out for a couple of hours, help with email.

Bigger Churches and your Council may have activities, coffee & chat sessions etc. The more you can get him out and about the better. Taxis to get him there and back.

I agree get FIL to write a task list for DH, be clear he needs to spend time at the weekend caring for FIL. I would also get DH to research if you are eligible for Carer’s allowance, it would help fund carers, Taxis etc.

Your DH could contact Age UK, adult SS for advice/ local knowledge , any local “ help the aged” type organisations, local church maybe. Often have lunch clubs, pub lunch trips, quiz afternoons, gardening groups often with transport included. Might help get your FIL out of the house for a bit and give him some interests.

Why are you selling the house, if FIL is well enough to return home then the house won’t be counted as an asset. If they sell it now it will just be used to fund MILs care costs

MIL doesn't agree to the sale anyway, and half the cash is in accounts in her name so they want to get her diagnosed as having dementia.