Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

[Elderly]

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

that last line would piss me right off and my DH would absolutely know about it.
Even if you didnt work, it is still not your job to look after your FIL, remember that. You DH sounds like a prick to be honest

Op, apart from your husband paying the bills, or most of the bills, what do you get out of your relationship with him? Could now perhaps be when you start thinking of a life on your own? And can I ask if there’s a cultural aspect to these goings on?

@Elderly Firstly I just wanted to say how sorry I was for what your husband said, so uncalled for and truly awful, you are doing so much for him, I am shocked, sorry again. Secondly, I don't know if anyone has suggested it already but there is an organisation called the U3A (University of the 3rd Age) and it's like a club for the retired and they have loads of different classes. My PIL are in it and they play canasta, bridge, curling, go to meditation classes, there's a walking group, an art class, loads of different things. Might help your FIL get out and about and meet some friendly people, just a thought. I hope your husband starts appreciating all that you do and learns to give you the respect you deserve.

Dh will protect his job im sure. You need to book a few days away, tell him the way you’ve been dumped on fills you with murderous rage and you will be back in 4 days, he can use that time to think of solutions that don’t take up 10 hours a day of your time, and that you will be working from a cafe/work centre 2 days a week going forward so he can bear that in mind while making his plans. You don’t have to take leave, you can work remotely, but take a few days for your dh to experience the full impact of the set up he’s decided is the best. The absolute nerve of him going to bed because ‘he’s tired’ instead of spending some time with the dad he’s moved in.

Your H is a fucking sexist dickhead. And no, he doesn’t need cosseting when the stupid twat has got ill.

I don’t know how you stand it, OP.

You deal with that sentence by replying you’re looking after your dad because 1. He’s your dad, 2. You’re a fucktard who thinks you can get away with insulting your wife while treating her like shit. You can look after him and see if that gives you some insights into why I don’t have a successful business. I will give you a clue- a mirror would help.im going away, I’ll be back maybe Wednesday, depending on the kind of messages i get from you.

Op can I please point out a vital spelling error?.
You mentioned your dh has a career.
I think you meant to type carer....
Everyone especially dh is vastly taking the piss with your time....

Your FIL sounds like a lovely man. Are you sure he's your husband's father? Because your husband sounds like a complete prick. He needs 'cosseting'? Ugh. He needs a kick in the fucking balls is what he needs.

That would honestly have me leaving, he either needs to move into sheltered accommodation or back to his main home.

Men are very quick to push all caring responsibilities onto their wife, the main earner thing is a handy excuse.

@Elderly has your FIL got a social worker, that would something to get to start with as they know what is going on and organise. Might be worth looking into.

So as their original house has been sold and FIL's now bought another near to you, why can't he go back there and have carers to visit his in own home @Elderly ?

Tell your 'D' H to fuck off. He's holding it over your head that you earn less? Unless you really have been shit at running your business/not put any time into it, then he's being an arsehole.

Stop 'cossetting' him, stop doing anything for him, laundry, meals, whatever. Tell him to sort his so called stress out from his big swinging dick job and pull his weight.

I bet this disrespect for you hasn't just come out of nowhere - I bet you carried most of the raising children load as well, which probably affected long term earning potential too Frankly I'd be checking out , and looking at what I'd get from the divorce settlement.

Be nice to FiL of course but don't become his default person, that's your husband's job. And as other people have said, start working outside of the house.

Oh my life!!! Get rid of DH and you’ll lose FIL as well. There’s no way on earth I’d be putting up with this. From this second on, refuse to do anything extra. Your DH will have to deal with it. Go out, book day trips, go away tonight for a long weekend. Invent a hospital stay (extreme!). Or a distant relative you need to visit for a few days at the other side of the country…

Ideas ..
Library - Librarians help with computer
Mens Shed - friends, skills shared
Some projects at your place that he can always attend to such as vegetable garden, dusting, ironing.
Elderly citizens club - especially card days and excursions.
Eating lunch out at local pub a couple of times per week.

Why did their house have to be sold if one spouse was living there still? Remind DH that the arrangement is only sustainable for as long as he is grateful and helps out as much as he can, that his life WILL change due to having his Dad there. Once FIL is settled and familiar, your life should not be impacted as much as your DH's.

Find him (or rather DH finds him) clubs to attend-Silver Surfers style where he learns to use the internet. He can't keep interrupting you: every time he apologetically creeps in, tell him to go away, he needs to wait for DH, don't enable him to keep creeping in and disturbing you!

How about DH looks for a joint warden controlled place for them both? Possibly cheaper than a care home x 2?

Not really the point of the thread, and I think OP is being taken advantage of here, but this is a ridiculous comment. Driving requires concentration and can be tiring; standing for a long train journey is a physical demand and can contribute to tiredness.
Office jobs that require concentration, thinking, analysis, and/or interaction with other people can be mentally draining and tiring.

You don't have to be doing manual labour to get tired.

I'd rather leave than sort all this shit. If my SiL happens to move abroad in my in-laws' later years and they want a woman to run round after them she'll have to do it.

Funny how the husbands of daughters never end up as defacto carer. It's always the wives of sons.

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence

WTF!?

I would tell him the only reason he has been able to build up his business is because of what you do!

If you have time @Elderly watch the second of todays Doctors episodes. There is a couple on there who the husband is very similar to yours.

I think you both need to have a chat about the issues and how to solve them. Yes, he may earn more, but that's because you enable him to do that by bringing up the children and all that entails.

My dh is the main earner in our house for the same reason, but he would never say anything like that to me. He is always grateful for everything I do as it gives him the space to concentrate on his work. But if we need to go anywhere, as he is the only driver, he will fit his work around that. We work as a team.

I've only managed to read your own posts, OP, but from what you say, it sounds as though you've been manoeuvred into the role of carer by stealth. Were you ever asked if you minded, or expressly agreed to take on this responsibility? Or does this, as ever, stem from the ingrained social assumption that vagina = carer?

If not, then unfortunately the only way to address this situation is directly and head-on. Everyone else is happy with the way things have worked out, meaning that unfortunately, the only person who can change the status quo is you. It's neither reasonable nor sustainable that you should have to find a library should you want to get any work done for yourself. That's no way to live. Nor is the assumption that you're going to take on the great responsibility of caring for another adult, especially without your express consent.

It seems to me that some men have learned helplessness honed into a finely-tuned art. Don't teach them any more of it. That goes for your DH, too. These are his parents. If he wants intensive help for his father of the variety you are currently providing then he will need to pay for it.

Women are not support humans who are entitled to no life of their own. This attitude makes my blood boil in anger and I hope you will also find yours. Otherwise you'll have one hell of a life.

I was going to say exactly this.
Your DH sounds like one of those men who only see value in quantifiable success. The many years of grunt you've put in caring for the family, and enabling him to concentrate on his career, doesn't register in his mind as work of value because it didn't come with either social status or a fat salary. He acknowledges your career is on the back foot but rather than saying "how can we pull together so you can make a success of this" he's just "tough luck, here's my Dad, crack on."

No concrete advice but i feel for you, and recognise that "i don't want to care for anyone ever again" feeling. My dcs are getting older & i was hoping to get back to more challenging work but ailing mother now demands more attention. Been a single parent for 10 years, no partner, siblings or wider family to help out. V tired of being all things to all people and constantly 'doing'. So sympathies.

Your husband sounds like the kind of man you divorce and then look back at aghast at how on earth you let him think he was worthy of you!

What a horrible, unkind, spiteful man to speak to you the way he does.

His dad sounds lovely, the apple fell far from the tree on this occasion by the sounds of it.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you with disdain and contempt like your husband does? You sound so kind and thoughtful. You deserve much more than he can (or at least wants to) offer you emotionally.

@Elderly Sorry things are getting on top of you OP - it's completely understandable while you and your FIL are getting used to the new situation (I think your DH is being a CF managing to side-step all this though - maybe you could ask him how successful he thinks his career would be if you left and he had to juggle his work with taking care of his own father? 🙄 ).
I see a pp has already suggested a day centre to give you some respite whilst you're trying to work. How about also looking for a "Silver Surfers" club in your area - somewhere for FIL to go where he can learn new IT skills (so will hopefully need less of your time in that regard) and he'll be with other people in his age group.

Honestly, OP, you are being taken advantage of, I don't think anyone is disputing that, but some of this is on you.

Your FIL's feelings are not your problem to solve. Let him be bored. Let him do stuff for himself. Let him not know how to do something. Let him feel like he's in the way, because do you know what? He is in the way. And stop assuming that you know how he feels. You do not have to rush in and fix every single little thing. Deal with the anxiety that not fixing it causes you, and trust that FIL can figure these things out for himself.

If your DH wants to overdo it then develop man flu - let him. You don't have to cosset. He's a grown man, he's not 5. He does not need cosseting. Let him sort himself out and deal with the consequences of his actions. Not your problem to solve. You are not responsible for how he feels. If he says I feel terrible, say 'that's a shame' and carry on with what you are doing. You don't have to fix the fact that he feels crappy, he can do that himself. It's his responsibility. Trust in his ability to take care of himself. Let him fix his own mess.

You've said that you have problems setting boundaries, which is clear from your post and it's a good thing that you've acknowledged that. There's also an element of you wanting to be in control of things that you don't need to be in control of. You don't need to manage FIL. You said 'I don't want him to feel . . .' Let him feel whatever the hell it is. You don't get to control how he feels, so stop trying. Same with your DH.

In the short term I think you maybe need to step back from the pair of them and keep your eyes on your own work. You've got a job to do - stop using these two as an excuse not to do it.

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence

Here's how:

• remind him that he has a successful business because you're enabling it.
• find a library/cafe/shared workspace/spare or quiet room at a sympathetic friend's house and, every day, work from there. Make this clear in advance to your DH, and make sure also that he knows this means you will not be available to do things for FIL.
• if DH continues to fake illness and shout orders or ask for juice (what is he 5?) ignore him. Keep ignoring him.

There is a big difference between a joint decision that you will look after your children to let him concentrate on work and you then being the obvious (not) person to look after his father. The reason you have not yet as successful a career is because he has had many years to build it, you have only just restarted. In many marriages this would be your time to be allowed to flourish.
Get FIL into his new house and have a meeting with husband about how you supply the necessary support between you.Till then can you find some office space to rent to break the dependence on you to be present.?