Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

[Elderly]

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

Go out of the house to do your work. Work from a cafe or anywhere you can find. DH sounds like a tool.

This. Why on earth are you doing it?

Does fil live with you? Either go out and work in a cafe, or say "great, see you at lunch now fil, I've got to stay in this box room to get my work done".

How long is this arrangement supposed to last because it isn't sustainable is it!

As previous poster said. Off to the library or a cafe and do your work. DH will need to sort FIL out.

My Dad lives with us. It gets worse. Try and work out where this is going and set up boundaries and help options.

"Dh will show you when he gets home. I have to get to work now."

Every. Time.

"Sorry fil I'm busy, it'll have to wait till dh is back"

Or if you don't mind helping after work "Yeah no Ive got a deadline, have to go now, we can look at it this evening "

And as a pp says, it will get worse. Does dh want to give up his job to care for fil? Thought not. Well neither do you. He needs to get that into his thick head.

You need to have a serious talk with your dh. Does fil live with you? is he in good heath?
Tell fil you are working all day and not to interrupt you, and stick to it. You shouldn’t have to leave the house to work.
What does the financial situation look like?
Can dh go part time and fil top him up?

Thanks all. DH is the main earner which is always the problem. I am my own worst enemy, because I don’t want him to sit and be bored/ ignored- he’s had massive upheaval poor chap. I definitely sit in the spare room and say sorry, I have to do this, - but then he tip toes in and says sorry to disturb I am useless, can you just help with etc. if I don’t, I’ll find him looking frustrated at his laptop for hours. He needs to go to clubs excersersise etc,
but realistically I can’t do both.
And THEN MIL calls, SIL calls. I’m getting overtaken like some wierd dr who thing. SIL lives abroad and keeps saying how grateful she is, they’ll get a carer .. we must keep a list of what we are spending.. oh and by the way she’ll need air fare money to come over.
VERY tempted to keep a time sheet and charge them 40 an hour careers fee.

He might earn more than you but that doesn't make his job more 'important' than yours.

Thanks namename no DH has a full time career, not the sort of thing you can go part time. He does wfh when he can. I’m just grumpy. And resentful - my mum was all alone in Covid times.

sammy agreed!until the bills come in. 😳

I'm lucky in that I only work 10 hours a week much of it when my husband is home. However if I do have stuff to do Dad has a set up in his own room with TV, radio, his books and magazines. He has water and his Christmas presents there like biscuits and chocs . I make him tea and ensure his entertainment is on. I ask him to only call if its urgent as have things to do.

I'm looking into the Filo project and other ways to give him days out too but that's been delayed by Christmas.

Why is FIL with you and not with MIL?
If SIL is volunteering to pay for care, then agree to her doing that. Your DH is treating you badly here - fair enough he goes out to work but going to bed to avoid doing anything for his DF is pretty poor.

How have you got into this situation? Why is FiL living with you? Why is it acceptable that you are unable to work as you are caring? Why is DH heading off to bed so early? Why can't he see how unfair this is to you? He's just a bloke with a job - nothing special. As you say - you're default carer. To your children and now FiL. Well done your DH for palming off the care of his father onto the nearest female.

Thanks feelingstrange it’s a good idea except our spare room is just bed sized.which means FIL has his computer on the living room table and is always in there.
SIL is offering to pay for care out of the parents money - when we sell their house.

You are free to choose not to be the man's carer, same as his wife, son and daughter choose.
Don't allow yourself to be made a mug of by these people.

Edited: just saw the MIL is in a care home. Tell your husband to sort care for his father. It's between him and his sister to figure out.

So she's not offering to pay for anything. It's not her money.

Exactly how I feel yellow! MIL in care home, obviously 2 care home bills are a bit eye watering, hence selling their house

Sorry can you explain the dynamic?

MIL in a care home
FIL moved in with you and you care for him

Is that right? Why aren't they both in care homes if they need caring for? The house sale can then go through and settle any fees?

Exactly sammyspoon
thanks Rupertcambell
MIL has to be in home, FIL not , or wasn’t, poorly enough to be in a home.

Are you sure FIL can't go into a home and the money get paid when the house sells?

Can he join MIL - is that what you are waiting for? A space at her care home?

So why didn't he stay in his own home then?

Agree with pp - you need to leave the house and work from a cafe or a co-working space.