Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

Do you have another tv in the living room? If so, in addition to installing a shower over the bath, why not get rid of the bedroom tv?

I agree it's not totally fair to tell him he can't come into his own bedroom, with the exception of you being able to say you need an hour or so of solitude, but I do think it's reasonable to make your bedroom a no tv zone - presumably he can get comfortable in the living room if he wants to watch while you want to sleep?

I also think it's unreasonable of him to be inconsiderate in terms of leaving your door open. And if he wants to be on his phone, can he turn the sound and screen brightness down and/or use headphones?

I think you both need to compromise.

I'd put a shower over the back, and I'd remove the TV from the bedroom so that he has to use the one in the living room.

Not the point but why can't you use your bedroom to get changed in, you don't need to be in the en suite to put on clothes.

on a sofa in the living room

Where did I say that?

However, or course using your phone in bed is fine. And of course walking in your own bedroom is fine. But leaving the door open on purpose is a dick move.

Well if there is no room for a shed, you’ll have to set to work digging a cellar!

In all seriousness though - get a shower put in over/replacing the bath and ban teens from your en-suite.
Start some sort of solitary outdoor hobby away from the house.

At no point has the OP said her husband walks out of their bedroom leaving the door open.

It seemed a bit weird to focus on OP walking somewhere without speaking.

Agreed that the door thing is a dick move by him.

And phone use with loud noise or bright glare is not fine. If he is doing this.

I 100% get this!
I've often had this exact thought in the last 6 months - everyone in this house has their own space except me :( I think it comes from having put myself last for so long (through my own choice) and now I realise nothing in this house is just for me. I'd love to have a space that I can make mine.

I don't have any easy solutions but I wanted you to know you're not alone!

My husband has suggested a garden room which feels quite drastic to me - but again that's my own issue with not wanting to 'waste' money on something that feels selfish.

and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open.

From the OP....

Firstly, get a shower installed in the main bathroom.
Then, agree on some quiet time for yourself. And yes, that can include a do not disturb sign if you want one. So long as DP gets some quiet time too, I don't see an issue with doing this. I like my alone time, so I send DP to play video games in an evening sometimes. It's no hardship for him lol but it really does strengthen us as a couple!

Quote from OP....

if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open

Put a lock on your bedroom door - encourage the family to knock and ask if it is ok to use the shower and do encourage shorter showers which will save water and energy.
This is probably the only way your family can be educated to respect others peoples privacy and to accept boundaries.
As for your OH - try speaking to him.........your menopausal journey is his journey too.

Most won’t tell you this but after a certain age all of my friends moved into their own bedroom for this very reason. I know it’s not possible for you but the craving for quiet space is natural at this age.

I have taken a day off to have a quiet day today, I am burnt out. Decades of child rearing, working and family demands take a toll.

I would have a place in the garden with blinds and a lock. That is heated and spend my life reading books and painting. You deserve your own down time and peace.

Could you put a comfy chair in the attic and use that when dh finishes work for the day on the understanding you're dnd during this time?

Not really interested in derailing a thread for no good reason. Enjoy your day.

I get it - DH works from home and I don't, and it often felt like he had a space that I didn't. I study and occasionally I'll work from home, and I do dressmaking, and I need space. We have a set up you would love - since I have to get up and leave the house but he doesn't, and I am up at 5am, I use the spare room as my study, sewing room, chill out space etc, and it has an ensuite so I get ready there in the mornings and he can sleep on without me crashing around and turning lights on. I will miss it when it's time to downsize.

I second the lock and a sign on your bedroom door for now, he needs to stop barging in.

I'm in a similar position OP.

I think the problem is exacerbated by the fact that your DH wfh as he will probably be more wanting time with you to make up for lack of socialisation at work. And some of this will coincide with you feeling you want space for yourself.

My life got better once DH's work mandated they had to be in for 50% of the time. I realise that's probably not something you can enforce, but could you encourage DH to work out the house say, once a week, or to meet up with friends after work so you have some space/time then?

I totally understand - I would just love a private bathroom with a cabinet for my stuff and my stuff alone.
So I can have a bath without someone having a poo next to me and I can find my face cream....

Could you agree a code word with your DH so you just have to say that and go? I just point to the ceiling in the direction of the bath and DH nods, and that is our sign that I am off to spend an hour in the bath. It's the same thing as you are looking for.

So people should never need space or solitude once they get married and have kids??

To be fair on him this is a relatively recent thing and he has no idea because I’ve not broached it yet. But I can feel myself getting irritated with him - last night he came in - I was writing a letter, and left the door open when he left, which isn’t at all unusual. I genuinely don’t think he thinks anything of it - if I’m wearing clothes he will just walk out again. If I’m actually in bed or undressed or something of course he’d shut it. He’s not horrible to me. He’s not clocked yet that I’m not just in the bedroom, it’s that I’m trying to be on my own. And to be fair I’ve not yet told him.

It doesn’t sound like his office is much of a chill out space. Why don’t you just explain how you feel in the same way you have written and implement a “do not disturb” sign for both of you to use the bedroom for me time?

Electric showers don’t cost much, could you add one to the family bathroom?

Is a proper loft conversion out of the question?

YANBU - this is why I knit sitting alone in my car. Sometimes I can get away with hiding in there for 20 minutes! Bliss