Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

You just need to talk to DH. Tell.him you're feeling a bit frustrated and can you have an hour every evening where you're in your own or wahtever.
FWIW if your kids are pre teens in a year or two they'll be teens and you'll have the downstairs back to yourself as they'll be in their bedrooms. So an alternative is to create a bit of sanctuary for yourself downstairs? Cosy reading corner?
The final solution is to find a hobby and go out once a week. I have a craft hobby and for a number of years I used to go out once a week to a class. It wasn't a teaching class per se but a sort of "stay and craft" space. So you were in a space with other crafters but no specific interactions unless you wanted to

This was a bugbear of mine for years. Not only was I never alone in MY house, I was the only person living there who didn't have their own space within it, and when I tried to talk to DH about it he said, "But it's the same for all of us." I think he was motivated not to see the problem because he didn't want to share the part of the living room that had been screened off for "his office" (he was a SAHP with a hobby-job at the time) and was full of his stuff, or the locked room inside the garage.

I like the campervan idea. I used to fantasise about buying a tiny flat that would be mine alone, where I could have empty space that wouldn't be filled by other people's stuff and thoughts that wouldn't be interrupted.

A friend of mine was gifted a small two berth caravan by her single godmother who can no longer use it.
She has parked it in her garden.
It is in perfect condition despite being 20 years old. No children ever in it.
It has a full over, heater.
It is fabulous.
She has filled it with her bits, gorgeous cushions and blankets.
She hooked it up to electricity and it is working.
She has created the most wonderful space, has her friends like me over for coffee, wine, supper.
She describes it as the greatest gift she has ever received.
Her family know it is her space and to not go near her when she is there.
With 4 older children, very late teens, early 20's at home, it has been a godsend the last 2 years.
She hasn't moved it anywhere and has no plans to.
Its just a wonderful space for her to have for herself.
Her godmother is so thrilled that it has been such a source of joy for her.

A real Fairy Godmother!

Every one of her friends are green once they have spent any time in there.
It is so small, cute, womb like.
The peace and tranquility in there.
She listens to her radio or music, reads.
The cooker is fantastic so she cooks for friends.
I don't think they are particularly expensive, definitely under 5K, but she has added a fully functional other room to her house.
She never imagined such a gift would transform her life.
Her marriage is completely the better of it.
Her husband took a lot of time fixing it up heating and over wise.
He loves that she is SO much calmer and happier in herself, just because she has some space for herself.
Its called her Happy Hut😁

This. It is what parents up and down the country crave, peace and me time. Buying a camper to park down the road would seem expensive and extreme. Just talk to your family and negotiate quiet time.

When I had 4 DC under 12 and in a similar state of mind, I made a Do Not Disturb sign. It was really just a bit of cardboard and handwritten with a Permanent Marker!
I summoned the DC and DH to a good-humoured conflab and explained I sometimes needed a break, so I would be sticking the sign on the bedroom door on those occasions. DH was supportive and no-one had any objection to that. It did work most of the time.

Yes you are enjoying your own company more. I think this is the main benefit of menopause it’s like you take back that that lovely nine year old that had never suffered hormones. So you’re right it’s not on… however the kids will leave soon and you will enjoys bags of space. The thing about life is you get bits of what you want at different times rarely under your command. So you’ll just have to suck it for a bit and secretly glory in your new emotional independence 👏👏

Also, often mocked on mn but noise cancelling headphones are brilliant. Switch off, zone out.

I felt the same way as you but got an office in the garden (lockdown and won’t ever go back to working from business hq full time again). I love it and can go out there whenever I need time alone - put some music or podcast on and kick back. Not cheap (£12K all in, inc planning permission, electrics, building, decorating) and you need to have the space (we barely do) but I don’t regret it and wouldn’t be without it now. NB It is very small!

It is lovely in the summer and cosy in winter.

My other thought was a caravan/camper van on drive. If you can carve out some space for yourself I thoroughly recommend it. Good luck!

This, and remove the television from the bedroom.

I split up from my husband and moved out of the family home, I have 3 children and could only afford a 3 bedroom house so I don’t have a bedroom, I have a sofa bed in the front room. I have recently bought a summerhouse and had electricity put to it. I’ve decorated it entirely to my taste and i absolutely love it, it’s my own little space. Could you do something like that?

The shower boundaries would be" you can use our shower when I'm not in my bedroom" then put a bolt on the back of the bedroom door. I'm sure the teenagers wouldn't like it if you wandered through their room! As for husband, I'd say that I shouldn't have to sit in the loo or my car to be able to get an hour to myself

I would divide your living room into two rooms, as it would have been originally, and you would be able to have a bit of space for yourself.

I’d go both. start with the shower..I replaced my bath with a roomy shower, so we now have 2 showers. That solves the teens holding you back from changing , though if they took long showers, I’d be telling them to get a shift on. It’s not necessary or even healthy to spend ages under hot running water.

A summer house type woman cave in the garden. My grandad had a garden shed for a man cave. And they had a 3 bedroomed house for 2 of them.

Your teens will be up and away before you know it, then you will have a choice of two bedrooms. Or why isn’t the lounge somewhere to be if they have a room each and hubby has the loft or uses the bedroom to lie and watch tv. You can then lie on the couch in the lounge

Agree, address the shower issue first.

Also I think you are being a bit over-earnest with the "I can't bar DH from his own bedroom, can I" notion.

a) it's his sleeping room at night but he doesn't have to have 24/7 access to it, any more than people who share bathrooms and home office, or cars, or other things, have to make them available to other family members when they are in use. Get a simple hook/eye for the door so you can close yourself in when you want to relax. It won't kill him to have to knock on the door.
b) ask him to remove a lot of his messy stuff from the bedroom up to the loft; if he balks remind him that you don't have a private area like he does

Could the teens share a bedroom so the third could be turned into a reading room/craft room/other purpose room where people could shut themselves away?

What if the OP wants to take herself away to her bedroom and binge-watch something on Netflix or similar??

That’s family life. Mine have left home now and sometimes I wish they were back as little children again. Just try make your own space when u can, even if it means going out for a drive

Sounds a bit odd but could you stretch to a caravan and put it somewhere locally?
I love our caravan, it’s on a local campsite so only 45 minutes away from home but really feels like a little holiday, it’s close enough that it can be visited for one night, or a day.
watching what you want to watch on tv, having your own space where it’s quiet is bliss. Lovely walks off of the campsite to rest and recharge, I get where you’re coming from totally. Before we converted our loft I was losing the plot!

YANBU to want your own space. My kids are 9 and 12 and I like to be somewhere quiet not sat in the same room while they play on the Xbox. If the kids are in their rooms can’t you sit downstairs and stick the tv on, if they complain say I am watching this you’ll have to watch something later. I have 2 living rooms but they often both get monopolised by husband or kids so I sit in my bedroom cross stitching and watching something on the tablet. People do come in and out, I answer their query or whatever then carry on. I don’t find it that disruptive. could you wear headphones so that it’s obvious to people you don’t want to chat right now? Also definitely get a shower over the bath, I know you’re saying it’s not the main problem but it will certainly help with people traipsing through constantly. And if one of my kids was in the en suite and I wanted to get changed I just would. If they don’t like seeing me naked they can use the other bathroom 🤷🏼‍♀️

Regarding the shower issue, I do think we will have a similar issue when our daughter is a teen (she’s 10 now) and having long showers at all hours. Right now it’s a struggle to get her in a shower (we have one in our en-suite)and she prefers the bath but I suspect we may consider installing a shower in the main bathroom in a few years. Can you do that?

I think you need to just tell OH when you need a bit of space to relax by yourself. This means either he should leave you alone in the bedroom or take the bedroom himself and leave you the living room for a bit. Get a do not disturb sign for the bedroom! Really it’s best to just be clear about what you need/want.

Step 1. Get a shower fitted in the bathroom. This reduces the traffic in your bedroom to just you and DH.

Step 2. Have an open conversation with DH about perimenopause and how it’s affecting you. Tell him something that would really help is some quiet time on your own from time to time. Given logistics, having time when you can shut the bedroom door and be undisturbed is the best solution. Does he have any other suggestions?

Step 3. He agrees that your wellbeing is important and says he’s happy to help and giving you sole use of the bedroom occasionally is a perfectly reasonable compromise.

@ThePond I am with you on the door thing. My kids have learned that the sitting room door has to stay shut, or there is a horrendous cold draught - DH waltzes in through the closed door, asks what I'm doing (I hate that question), then waltzes out again leaving it wide open. Absolutely does my head in.

Sorry OP but I do think YABU. Not that you don't deserve your own sanctuary and some time alone. But that I don't think alot of people really get that these days. Homes in the UK dont generally have many extra spaces / rooms for everyone in the family. You chose to live in a 3 bed home and have 2 kids, surely you knew that would mean no spare rooms. Kids generally get their own rooms and parents share, thats just how it works unless you want to make your DCs share so mum gets another space.
Your bedroom should be your sanctuary. Make it that way. Your DH isnt a mind reader you cant expect him to know you need some alone time without telling him. Speak to him about all this, make the bedroom what you want it to be. Get another shower, remove the tv from your bedroom and make it your space.

This, or if you can afford it, maybe look at upgrading to a four bed house.