Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

I agree with some of the ideas already on here, depending on budget. It is important to have some space to yourself.

First step, at no cost, would be to get rid of the TV set from the bedroom. And talk to your husband about how you're feeling and the need to find a solution together.

Next, look at what you can afford to do to fix the bathroom situation. Ideally swap the bath for a shower.

Then think about what space you might be able to make for yourself in another part of the house/garden. It may be possible to partition the open plan downstairs and have a small room for yourself. Or if you get rid of the en suite, you could have a small space where that was.

Get a lock on the door and a tv in your room. Carve out tine between x and y for you only. Tell everyone else to stay out. I have a tv in our bedroom and a lock for this every reason!!

They already have a tv in the bedroom; it's part of the problem - the husband is in there watching tv when the OP wants the space to herself. It's in the first post.

It's a drastic solution, but could you afford to move house?! It sounds as if you (as a family) really need more space. Your DH's ladder up into the loft space is fine but not ideal.

On the floor plan you've shared, the main bathroom is on the ground floor, so even if you did have a shower in there, people might still prefer using the en-suite, although you wouldn't have to let them.

I assume you have a TV and comfy sofas downstairs - not sure why you did movie nights in your bedroom? I'd be tempted to get rid of the TV in there tbh. That would solve the problem of DH watching TV in your bedroom when you want to sleep or read a book or whatever.

I think it's totally normal to crave some time and space to yourself. We never used to spend ALL our time together - the lockdowns and shift to WFH has forced a lot of people together 24/7 and I don't think it's always a good thing. In the absence of any other solution I think it would be totally reasonable to explain to your DH that you're craving time and space to yourself and to suggest a "do not disturb" sign for the bedroom door. Obviously he'd still come in if it was urgent but perhaps it would be enough of a prompt to give you the space you need. If he doesn't get it perhaps you'll have to overcome your aversion to ladders and make a habit of popping up to his man cave regularly.

Don't ask him if it can be a shared room. Tell him. Move your stuff back to where you can access it!

I don't understand why you're being so passive about it.

Totally understand, we used to have his n hers sheds. I think the camper is a lovely idea but, in the meantime, maybe just your car? You don't need to tell anyone you're sat in it so you can lock the door and just sit and chill or a read a book.

Wow!! that sounds amazing 👏 😍 your friend is very lucky

totally get you, late 40's peri menopause and desperatly need my alone time and space. get that shower fitted over the bath and you definately need that time alone without people walking in, i get you and feel your pain

A few extreme options but it depends how much you really want a space:

Remove the ensuite and make that your little space. Put a shower in the downstairs bathroom/make the ensuite the main room if everyone is using it for that anyway and have the downstairs bathroom as your room.

Build a separate area downstairs in the open plan area.

It is totally reasonable to want to be alone, I'm the same and honestly it is a weird thing about marriage/relationships that we immediately share all our space!
Does your husband never go out with friends or family or by himself? Can you encourage him into any hobbies. I feel like if you explain to him that you need a couple of evenings or a weekend afternoon alone then he would/should understand. Here are the ways I get space;
Every Thursday he plays football and goes to the pub with his mates so I have the house to myself other than the kids in their rooms
Have a bath (lock the door)
In the summer a wine and a book in the garden
Taking a walk (better with a dog!)
We have a tv in our bedroom and we will often agree to watch separate things alone if he wants to watch a film or sport I don't fancy

I'd suggest thinking specifically about how much time alone. I'd also get a plumber to quickly turn your bath into a bath with a shower over it so when you do shut the door nobody has a legitimate reason to open it.