Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

I can absolutely understand where you are coming from, but I have a few practical questions:

1. why can’t you change clothes in your bedroom if your teen is in the en-suite shower?
2. If your husband is watching TV in bed, is that because the teens are in the living room? If they are not, couldn’t you have the living room to yourself?
3. can you tweak your daily/weekly routines so you are sometimes at home during a time when all the kids are out and DH is either working or also out?

My practical plan would be get rid of the bath in the main bathroom and replace with a fab walk in shower that everyone loves (unless you are particularly addicted to baths; personally I much prefer a good roomy walk in shower)

Tell your husband how you feel and ask him to use the living room instead of the bedroom for watching TV. That seems like a reasonable compromise.

Make sure you plan ahead with specific stuff to do together like watching a particular TV show or eating together just the 2 of you, to mitigate the effect of asking for more space.

I completely understand this feeling. I have no solutions that are that great really. A garden room for the spring / summer could be made to be really lovely, maybe you could put a wood burner in for the winter but would you actually go out there in the cold, put the burner on and use it…?

i am in the same position as you and regularly fantasise about a lovely room all to myself where I can have sewing stuff out all the time, a desk area for when I have to do bits of work and life admin, and a sofa area in a bay window for reading in. I looked around a house once to buy (sadly too expensive) where the mum had a studio like this in a beautiful light filled room of the house with vaulted ceilings and period features all over the place. She worked in textiles so used it for work but I’m so envious of all the downtime that also could be enjoyed in it 😂

Haha OP, let me tell you the solution: I put a small slide-across lock on the bedroom door, I announce to DH and any of the (adult) kids I will be having a long call with a friend/bath/work conference call/any old excuse then I lock the door for 2 hours. They are used to it now 😁

creatd new habits and set new expectations

just do it

buy the little lock at B&Q for £2.99

Get a shower fitted.
Ask for alone time in the bedroom.
Make use of the living room when the kids go to bed.
Move to a bigger house.

Sorry, this sounds tough. I’d suggest talking to your DH and don’t feel like you are doing anything terrible if you need to tell him you need space. I’m also perimenopausal and have spoken to my DH a lot about this and he understands (as much as a man can) that I need time out more than before. So for example, this week after dinner most days I’ve said I’m going upstairs for a bit. No big fanfare but he knows that means I just need to be alone. More practically, could you get a shower adapter thing for the bath? Or agree specific times the en suite can be used? Good luck.

Sorry but this is absolutely bloody awful.

Can you imagine if someone posted on here that their husband had bought a lock for the inside of THEIR bedroom and told their wife she couldn't go in for 2 hours?!?! Oh and then to top it off, lied about why they were doing it?

Point out that you're the only person with no individual space/privacy, and ask him if he's got any ideas about how you as a family can create some for you?

You are not being unreasonable, family life changes as everyone gets older.

You say your husband is a loving and reasonable man, so if I were you I would explain the problem to him, especially that this is a problem that has recently evolved as your children are now teenagers and you are perimenopausal. Don't suggest any solutions, just see how he responds and he might just think of something that you haven't.

I know he "has" the attic, but it's his workspace, so presumably that's not his private space during his downtime?

The only thing that came to mined was how much fun i would have with my husband in the loft😁.

Id pester him just to get attention but im like that so lovey.🙂

@Starlight1984 as long as DH has somewhere else to go and isn't being shut out in the cold, and it has been discussed beforehand, and it isn't happening 24/7, don't see the problem with it.

I am so with you OP on just having an overriding need to just have one small space you can absolutely call your own.
I came to realise over the last few years that everyone in the family had a space that was basically their own except me. (DH & 2 children).
It is affecting me quite badly but will change in the future due to changes in the house.
I'm not sure what to suggest - sensible to get a shower in the bathroom and maybe a do not disturb sign for your bedroom door. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just having some withdraw time that you know won't be disturbed.
I presume there is no way of children sharing a room or dividing a room at all to create a little space just for you?
It is perfectly healthy and natural to need your own space - not a reflection at all on the state of your marriage.

As you say op, it's a you issue. Things have changed! The peri/menopause can be brutal to your mind. You need to have a chat with all your family and explain. Get them clued up on the changes you are going through.
Your dh probably does not have a clue what's happening to you. If he's as lovely as you say he is then he could be great source of support to you, if only he knew how you were feeling.
Communication is key here.
I hope it's just a little solitary time you need and not a want to shut yourself away more often than not.
If it's the latter, please see your GP as you may need some extra help.
🫂 n x 💐

Ps. Get a showered fitted in family bathroom x

I don't think it's unreasonable to sit down with your DH and saying that you are struggling with a lack of privacy and personal space. I doubt it's unusual in any house where kids are now teens and taking up all usable communal space until you go to bed before them. He's sort of part of the problem but he's also trying to find a quiet space too sometimes.

Funds permitting there are options -
If no-one takes baths, rip out the bath and put in a decent size shower cubicle and probably more storage and the usual stuff that helps manage mess and clutter with teens.
Can you afford to redo the loft - is there space to put in a proper stairs. If it was an office come sitting room would that work better?
Could the downstairs layout be changed? Is there a garage mostly full of stuff like kids bikes which are not used any more? Some friends had a huge clear out split their garage and converted half of it to a little office.
When does the first child go to uni? That might help?
Is there an opportunity to relocate and buy a bigger house? No one planned for full time WFH when they purchased a home prior to the pandemic.
Do you work? Is it worth changing jobs/getting one to be out of the house a bit more [mind you other people are still damn irritating]

Last solution - book yourself a night away once a quarter. DH optional.

My actual solution may not be helpful - but just to let you know you are not the only one. I got an allotment. It was great when I needed it - about 10 years. I could just pop up there. Sometimes I just went up and had a tea out of a thermos.

The kids have grown up, we've moved to a house that has room for us to have our own space and a garden now. So we can have a bit of chill alone time as needed.

I'd get rid of the bedroom TV, as long as DH would be able to use the one downstairs (and it's not always commandeered by kids, for example). I refuse to have a bedroom TV, despite DH wanting one, because we have 2 TVs downstairs already and one of them is almost always free.

I think it's a feeling more than anything and its natural, but in reality no one has their privacy. The kids and husband have their rooms, but anyone in the household could knock on or walk in on each other at anytime, the same as they do to OP in her room.
I'd have a shower put in over the bath and a door closing mechanism (like on a fire door) fitted on the bedroom door so it closed after hubby went out of it, but but can't solve the issue of wanting to have space without physically asking for it.

Scratch that, pp have mentioned a do not disturb sign which would work without having to tell them you want to be alone 🙂

Woman cave in back garden can be made from a potting shed which has a nice big widow. Insulate it and then put board over the insulation. Lay down carpet. Get a small heater. They warm up quickly. They get a padlock!

Can you get a good garden room installed??

You need to get out more.

No, she doesn’t need to get out more, she says she feels stressed and needs some space on her own at home at times.

Re the shower you don't have to put up with them spending hours in there. We've always knocked on the door saying enough now. You're the one paying for it.

Im baffled that you can't just say. I'm going upstairs for a lie down, bit of peace. In our family young and parents do this.

Just chiming in to say that I understand the need for some personal space, OP. I sometimes feel the same way in our house, I’d also love to have an office or woman cave to have some alone time in.

I'm in the process of designing a space for myself under the stairs.
Nice wallpaper, rug and coffee table with a comfy chair, cushions and a pretty lamp. I'm going to hang voile across it to give me a visual barrier so that when I want alone time, I can read a book in peace. Would something like that work?