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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

285 replies

ThePond · 09/01/2025 13:29

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Hazeby · 09/01/2025 13:31

If he’s a reasonable man, just explain it to him the same way you have here.

Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 13:33

YANBU.

Do you have the budget to have a shower installed in the bathroom with the tub?

Or you could just put in one of those shower extension hoses connected to the tap?

Bedrooms are for sleeping. What does he do on his devices, watch videos with volume? The person who wants to sleep has the right to sleep without noise and overly bright devices glaring light.

AgentJohnson · 09/01/2025 13:34

You need to get out more. Install a shower over the bath, job done.

CornishPorsche · 09/01/2025 13:34

Time to put a shower over the bath.

MatildaTheCat · 09/01/2025 13:35

No it’s not unreasonable so long as you aren’t banning him from sleeping in bed or access to stuff he needs.

Get a Do Not Disturb notice for the door. Put time boundaries on showers ( can you get one put over the bath?). Ask DH to watch TV downstairs when you want to sleep.

Everyone else has privacy in the home so you deserve it too.

QuickCHangeMyName · 09/01/2025 13:35

Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 13:33

YANBU.

Do you have the budget to have a shower installed in the bathroom with the tub?

Or you could just put in one of those shower extension hoses connected to the tap?

Bedrooms are for sleeping. What does he do on his devices, watch videos with volume? The person who wants to sleep has the right to sleep without noise and overly bright devices glaring light.

Edited

Yes I'd do this if you cant get a proper shower. You can get really long ones now, I had one years ago and it did the trick,

MiddleAgedDread · 09/01/2025 13:35

Cheapest solution: install over the bath
Dearer solution: make yourself a "woman cave" in the back garden

GasPanic · 09/01/2025 13:35

I mean you imply your husband has his own space in the loft, but it doesn't exactly sound like a top chill out space to me. Just a desk and a chair.

Maybe the solution is to reconfig the bathroom to get an over the bath shower and ban the kids from the en suite and just explain to your husband you want some me time.

Honeypickle · 09/01/2025 13:35

Not sure if helpful, but could you fix a shower head above the bath, with a glass screen alongside (instead of a shower curtain). My parents have this in the family bathroom and it does work well.
otherwise any garden space available? Could you look for a garden cabin?

Bagpussnotbothered · 09/01/2025 13:37

Another one who votes for replacing the bath with a shower (if you can).

Since you have teenagers, can you get time away with decent headphones and and an audio book whilst walking?

Another option (again depends on space/budget) may be a she-shed in the garden. Not great over winter, but more so in the summer.

Honeypickle · 09/01/2025 13:37

While I was posting, many many other people have said exactly the same thing!!!

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 09/01/2025 13:37

How's your landing op?? My dh made me a bed up there and I had a real space of my own... Sadly, very sadly we have moved and I miss my landing room...

Ginkypig · 09/01/2025 13:37

I don’t think there is anything wrong in having a conversation with him about it.

if as you say he is a good partner then even if he doesn’t really get it he will be happy for you both to come up with a solution that both of you can work with.

Codlingmoths · 09/01/2025 13:38

I’d talk to my dh and get a do not disturb sign too, I’d explain to dh I know sometimes hed have to come in but hopefully mostly he can respect it, and if he thinks it’s on too often to talk to me. And for teen dd explain if she comes in when the sign is on not only does she get no shower but you will barge into her room without knocking multiple times over the next week. (Assuming she’s the kind of teen who might well ignore the sign without further disincentive, most are I think)

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/01/2025 13:39

Everyone else's suggestions of getting a shower in the bathroom are probably better than my one of having long baths or even pretending to have a long bath in order to be able to shut the bathroom door and have some peace. If there are two showers will they monopolise one each?

Hedgesgalore · 09/01/2025 13:39

I disappear into the garden, even this time of year, inspecting it, feeding the birds, little bits of tidying.

Airpods while ironing.

Had the same problem with teens and our en-suite, had a shower fitted over the bath, proper shower screen. Important that their shower is as good as yours, no arguments that way.

LumpyandBumps · 09/01/2025 13:39

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your own space sometimes.

It will cost more than just putting a shower over the bath but have you thought about replacing the bath with a shower?

The suggestions about hoses, etc, would have been fine if your teenagers weren’t used to a fully functioning shower.

Original poster
ThePond · 09/01/2025 13:42

Gosh - that’s a lot of replies fast! The shower is a problem - but it’s not THE problem - bluntly I want to effectively put up a do not disturb notice for my husband on his own bedroom. I don’t feel like that’s a healthy marital stance but I also think I’m getting resentful, which isn’t healthy either.
i just want to be alone a lot more these days.

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 09/01/2025 13:42

Given the whole family have free access through your bedroom to the shower, even if you do ask him to stay out I think it will be quite ineffective as won't be a quite half hour alone but a big performance of MUM NEEDS SPACE, and them constantly checking if you're done yet...
Is there any room in the budget to either install a shower in the main bathroom, or even better, a shed in the garden? Call it a craft room or whatever. Needs to be insulated and have power for lights and a small heater at least.
You aren't unreasonable to want your own space, only unreasonable to feel like it's someone else's fault you haven't got it.

Onlyvisiting · 09/01/2025 13:42

Can't you leave the house more? Go to the library and sit and read? Go for a walk? Go to a coffee shop and relax with a book?

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 13:43

YABU. Married life isn't about shutting yourself off alone without saying anything, that's weird. Shower over the bath, quick fix.

GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 09/01/2025 13:46

If no one uses the bath I would claim that as my sanctuary 😂

We have plenty of room but absolutely respect each others need for space. That might be Dh having a film night in the lounge, Dh having mates over and using the dining area, me having friends over and using the lounge, me spending hours in the bath etc.
I think that’s what you appear to be lacking, their respect for your need to have space.

CornishPorsche · 09/01/2025 13:46

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 13:43

YABU. Married life isn't about shutting yourself off alone without saying anything, that's weird. Shower over the bath, quick fix.

Sometimes it is.... Marriage isn't sitting cuddling on the sofa 24/7, sometimes it's about independence. And peace. And space. Then you can be together again!

I've said for years my regular trips away with work have saved my marriage as we both get a break from one another.

CornishPorsche · 09/01/2025 13:47

ThePond · 09/01/2025 13:42

Gosh - that’s a lot of replies fast! The shower is a problem - but it’s not THE problem - bluntly I want to effectively put up a do not disturb notice for my husband on his own bedroom. I don’t feel like that’s a healthy marital stance but I also think I’m getting resentful, which isn’t healthy either.
i just want to be alone a lot more these days.

But without the family traipsing through, you get more control of the space again. I'd prioritise the shower to take that control back.

Is there an option for you to use his office in the evenings?

stayathomer · 09/01/2025 13:47

MiddleAgedDread

Cheapest solution: install over the bath
Dearer solution: make yourself a "woman cave" in the back garden

Am voting for woman cave!!!!!