Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

That's why I get out to the local Pure Gym instead of exercising at home. And have a dog.

It's not weird. Are you supposed to be joined at the hip.
Nothing wrong with some time to yourself.

Can you just ask your husband to watch tv in the living room on an evening and say you’re going to read in the bedroom or watch something else up there? Definitely get a shower in the main bathroom too then you can ban the kids from your en suite and tell them to stay out of your room if the door is shut!

If there were space for a shed I wouldn’t mind icicles hanging off my nose, I’d have built one in a heartbeat. Handkerchief gardens front and back unfortunately.

You've missed my point. It's the wanting to walk away without saying anything. OP wants to walk off and shut herself away without saying "I am just going for an hour alone" etc etc. Of course marriage isn't about being together 24/7, that's not what I said.

Is there space for a summer house in the garden?

Is he in the attic Monday to Friday 9-5? Or even Mon-Thurs?

If yes, you could ask to have sole access to the bedroom at those times?

How would he feel about that? My DH WFH 3 x pw. He mainly works in the dining room but he does like to lie down.

I’m the same when I WFH, I work out of the box room but like to have a lie down as I get tired of sitting.

Is there space to put a little futon in the attic for DH to lie on?

A shower over the bath gets everyone else out of the room, and is inexpensive (just change your taps to one with a shower head coming out).

After that, you see how you get on for a bit with only you and dh using the room.

Then after that, have a chat with him and the kids about carving out some alone time for you

Alternatively, any space in the garden for a She Shed?

Shower in the bathroom is step one.

I don’t really think it is reasonable to just say DH can’t come into his own bedroom, it is a shared space and there are many reasons why he might want to access it.

If DH is watching TV upstairs, can’t you use the lounge? Sounds like the kids are pretty much in their own rooms anyway.

If you want to go to bed, DH can sit downstairs until he is ready to sleep.

Not what I said. I said walking off without saying anything. The walking off and having alone time isn't the issue. It's wanting to just walk off, say nothing and expect no interruptions that's the issue.

Have a conversation with him. Explain that sometimes you just need some time to yourself. And in the absence of having a specific space allocated to you, you are using the bedroom. Get a do not disturb sign for the door. Put it out when you don't want him or anyone else wandering through. They can watch TV in the sitting room, or wait for the shower.

I often say to my dh I need a bit of time by myself and take myself upstairs and he'll leave me be. No harm in asking, why is he in and out anyway like that ?

I agree with others. Plus telling teens that if they want the shower they can use it, say, Mon-Thurs - bath the rest of the time. It’s not disproportionate to want your own space.

It sounds like you have an empty sitting room?

Not quite - I said without fanfare. I don’t want to make a song and dance of taking myself off for a bit. I’m not Irish goodbyeing anyone 🙂

Do you like baths? My go to for uninterruptible alone time is a long bath. With the en-suite available as well no body can complain they need a shower or to use the loo while you’re in there.

I think this would be fine. A physical sign would be fine, maybe combined with a schedule eg shower issue out of bounds to teens after 9pm. If you can't divide space physically, "timeshare" it to carve off some privacy.

It's completely reasonable to ask this of your husband, it's just mutual respect.

We have a similar set up and I don't feel any lack of privacy at all, but I think we treat the space very differently.

But leaving the door open when you leave even though your wife wants it closed is fine?

Using your phone in bed when your wife wants to sleep is fine?

I feel this in my bones. There is no place that is mine, when everyone else has a private space. It makes me increasingly desperate.

I love the posters who have suggested her sleeping on the landing or going out in the garden (when it's in the minus temperatures across most of the country) 😂

As others have said, shower above bath in the main bathroom. But tbh it sounds more like it's your husband you are frustrated with.

I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open.

No you're right, you can't. If you genuinely can't handle your husband coming into his own bedroom when you're in there then you need to take yourself out. Gym, coffee shop, walk, kids bedroom (if they're out), kitchen... You can't dominate a (shared) room and be angry that he dares to walk in to it.

He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed

And......? How else is he meant to watch TV? Curled up in a ball in the corner of the room?

Just saw no space outside.

So, shower over bath is easy. Curtain rail, shower head holder. Just a few screws. New tap with a mixer and a shower hose. Easy to fit.

Then see if thar helps DH feel less annoying. If not, lock on the bedroom door or door sign. Explain to DH you need some space sometimes and go elsewhere when you're chilling. He can go in the living room or his office.

Why don't you swap rooms with one of the kids? That way you will at least avoid the traffic for the shower. It won't cost you as much as installing a new shower over the bath.

Everyone has the right to their own space and time.

you need to speak up and be vocal.

”mums going to put on a face mask and read a book in her room for an hour, if you need anything shout for your dad.”

”DH I’m feeling a little overwhelmed today, I’m just going to take some space in our room for an hour if that’s ok.”

get installing a shower in the main bathroom your number one priority, let the children know to respect your bedroom and knock, take the time to make your bedroom a relaxing place for you free of clutter and with candles and nice lighting etc and most importantly speak up for yourself and your needs.

Gently, I think you are being a bit dramatic. All of this is easily fixed. Put a shower in the main bathroom, tell the kids to stay out of your room and explain to you husband that sometimes you need down time on your own so if you are not downstairs and the bedroom door is shut, please dont bother you unless it is absolutely necessary.

That’s a shame, because a tiny garden cabin sounds ideal .