Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

How about a loft conversion? Then you could make a proper office for dh and a room for you up there.

I think you need to have a word with him about how you're feeling rather than let it build up.

Unless DH uses the loft space out of working hours, in all fairness it's his work space, so I think he can he forgiven for that.

Only time we have doors closed here is if we're ill, wrapping presents or have visitors and getting changed. Having said that, I do like a bit of switch off time with my book before bedtime, so I chose to take myself off to bed before DH. Maybe, sometime like that could work. If you really need some extra space and it's not possible at home, do you have time for a walk or coffee/cake treat out on your own?

Sounds like getting a shower over the Bath is the first step. Then see if that eases how you feel.

Obviously you cannot ban your DH from his own room lol.
Just like he can’t bsb you from it either.

When you have a partner or kids it can be tough to have alone space.

Surely though, if he spends most of the time at work and then in the bedroom, you can just use the front room?

What hours do you work?

I am someone who needs alone time and I find going for a walk by myself after work is such a nice way to have alone time.

I would also tell him that you’re planning to start going to bed early and if he wants to watch TV after X time then he’ll need to do it downstairs.

It looks like it is time to have a chat with him, a good humoured chat that brings him up to speed on how dearly you would love the option to be able to just chill out on your own for a while. It's not actually that radical, is it? Putting a shower in the main bathroom for the kids to use instead of traipsing through the adults' bedroom would make a huge difference, and if OP's DH and she can come to an agreement about solitary use of the bedroom for quiet time, it'll help a lot.

My DH is absolutely lovely but he works from home 100% of the time now, and I still haven't got used to how THERE he is. But I know that if I said I was going to have a quiet lie down in our room (which I do if I have a headache for example) or went in there and closed the door, nobody would disturb me until I reappeared. If DS closes his door nobody barges in, a closed door is a very strong symbol.

I think a "do not disturb" sign is reasonable in the absence of other solutions. It's not "no entry".
Use it as a literal sign that you need some quiet time and and that it's not the time for chatter or additional background noise from things like phones or TV. Blocking him from entering at all would be unfair, but being reminded to use some consideration isn't.

Because it's a bedroom, so while it can be used for other purposes, its primary function is to provide a place to sleep, so the needs of the person who wants to sleep should take precedence. Just like it would be unreasonable of the OP to make the family turn off the tv in the living room so she could sleep there.

That said, I don't think it's fair to stop him being able to use his phone while in bed as long as it's not noisy.

Another vote for a woman cave in the garden. I’d buy a summerhouse and make it really cosy. Alternatively, I remember a poster on here buying a cheap old caravan and turning that into her own little escape room.

I do sympathise OP as I work from home full-time and have a husband and toddler in a 1-bed flat, so on days when DH is wfh too I don't get a minute to myself.

That said though, if your husband works up in the attic and you have teens who I presume are at school/college the majority of the time, surely you do get quite a lot of alone time during the days? Unless you're out at work yourself I guess.

If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can.

Tbh I think it's fundamentally quite different being a teenager living with parents vs a married adult (as sad as it is!). If my husband took himself off for an hour, I'd be thinking where is he?! What's he doing?! Unless he said he wanted space, as you've said.

Personally, I'd swallow the fear of ladders and use the attic for some alone time when you need it. Also definitely install an over-bath shower....not that anyone will use it vs the proper one anyway though 😂

Take the tv out of your room?

I just think it's quite unusual for all adults to have their own dedicated space in a house really, I don't think I know anybody that has that. Because surely if one's in 'their' private space, the other has the bedroom/living room to themselves by default?

I'm afraid I can't suggest any solution but sending you massive sympathy about this. Posters who are focusing on the practical things like showers and where people get dressed are missing the point.

Until about three years ago I was the only person in my household who didn't have their own space. I worked from a corner of our bedroom throughout lockdown. Everyone respected that and it kinda worked. One of our sons then moved out and I converted his bedroom into a study for me and the difference is incredible. We are now a household of three adults (other son will NEVER leave) who ask jog along more than happily but all have their own space to retreat to.

I recognise how fortunate I am and hope you find a way round this OP.

Have you space in the garden for one of those outdoor rooms? Effectively a well insulated Garden shed? Some people put a wood burner or use it as a man cave.

Shower over bath can easily be installed.

Talk to him. Tell him you want to take the TV out of the bedroom even.

Everyone needs alone time. But you need to make your feelings known sometimes if they're accustomed to you sucking it up.

Garden room/office maybe?

Take the tv out of your bedroom

She shed
Shower over the bath
Job done.

That's my go too as well. Music on and chill!

Lockdown coincided with peri with me, luckily we have enough rooms to be able to have our own space, as over the years I need my own space more and more! Luckily we are all quite similar, so no offence is taken if someone disappears off for a bit.

If your DH is understanding person , he will get it and hopefully between you, you can come to some solutions (some of which have been suggested on here)

Is there any way you could afford to move house? This could go on for years.

Even if you had the space though, you shouldn't have to. You have an entire house with lots of rooms, you shouldn't need to have sole rights to a particular room to get a bit of space.

It's not going to kill off your marriage to ask for a bit of solo downtime. Or if it did, that would say more about the marriage than the request.

How does the downstairs space work - is it usually full of DC when your husband wants to watch TV?

It’s the WFH op. Never ever having a minutes peace.

Dh needs to work somewhere else for one day a week at least. Loads of places do shared work spaces.

It is suffocating to be stuck with the same person 247 and everyone needs their space for a healthy marriage/family.

It absolutely is.

I 💯 understand how you feel and crave a space of my own. My husband now has an office fashioned in our bedroom too and children haven't (and doubtful will) transitioned to spending evenings in their bedrooms.

I do, however have a lock on the bedroom door, which I use before having a shower and take my time getting dressed. I also try and do some yoga in there at the weekends, so lock it while I do that. The only time I'm alone in my house is when I'm WFH on the rare occasions DH has gone out during the day.

Are you able to get time alone going to the gym/errands/a walk? Go and sit in the library or a coffee shop occasionally? I know it's not the same as being home, but it can get you a little time alone. Failing that, how big is your kitchen and can you manage a chair in there?