Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

Not what I said. Walking off saying nothing is what I said. Shutting yourself off alone is fine. Saying nothing before doing that isn't. However, as OP has pointed out she didn't say she wants to walk off without saying anything.

Is there room in the office for a comfy chair? Then you could take yourself up there, and have some time alone with a good book or just a chill out. I know you said you hate ladders, but maybe you could put a sturdier one in, and you'd get used to it in no time.

Honestly, if my DH tried to ban me from our shared bedroom or put up DND signs, it would be a real sign to me that there were deep issues in our marriage tbh.

Surely children having a bedroom each and parents sharing a bedroom is the standard set up for families up and down the country? I don't think your DH putting a desk and chair in the loft to work from means that you are entitled to kick him out of you shared bedroom (and presumably you are welcome to use the loft room outside of working hours, it's just that you choose not to).

What's your downstairs layout like? Any way of carving out a bit of space somewhere? I have a small desk and chair in the utility room so I hang out in there if I need to escape. Dog comes with me but dogs are OK 😀. I also go to bed later than everyone else so I can be alone. Luckily DH is a morning person and I'm a night owl. Teenagers sometimes get kicked out of living room when I need space, they've got a room each so not a hardship.

It definitely is if you want to stay married to me 😂

OP, I have a potting shed. I appreciate that wouldn't be everyone's preference and it doesn't solve the getting changed problem, but I can hide myself away in there and no-one bothers me. It has lights and I don't mind being cold. On summer mornings it's utter bliss.

In the short term can you just disappear for a long bath with a book as PPs have said?
A quick comment to your husband about needing some space and peace for a bit shouldn’t be a big deal. You deserve a break!

Honestly OP focus more on what makes you happy and less on what is a ‘healthy marital stance’ your marriage isn’t healthy if you’re not happy, even in you perceive your acting reasonably. FWIW we have a guest room that is really just my room. I sleep in there, shower, keep my stuff and decorated it in my taste. Best thing I ever did. It’s probably not a ‘healthy marital stance’ but it stops me acutely resenting DH so much!

What is stopping you from saying something? I’ll say to my husband “I’m going upstairs for half an hour, need some time in my own …please bring me a brew in 30 if you are having one”

But it's his room too. Why can't OP go in the living room?

You need a she-shed in the garden.

To be honest, this is why I’ve not said anything. I love him to bits and I think it would be taken with good humour but also make him feel like I’m rejecting him a bit and I don’t want that. We’ve lived here for 12 years and it’s me that’s changed - I never minded it enough to bring it until recently and I’m mortified at the flashes of irritation I feel because I just want to be left (reliably) undisturbed these days.

@Starlight1984 why is everyone allowed privacy but the OP?

I couldn't deal with this OP. Could you divide the loft?

The shower isn’t the main problem, but if you get the kids out of your room, it will help with the interruptions and the lack of privacy.

Could your husband add a lounge area to his office nook? That way he would have a space to watch tv and just hang out as well, freeing the bedroom to become more your space.

Nothing, but op wants to be able to not say anything to him and just escape for me time x

Suggestions - Shower over bath, or timed entrance to your shower and enforce it. Better ladder up to loft, so it is accessible to you. Shed in the garden that is your base. No tv in bedroom and it is strictly for sleep, wind down and tv is in the lounge. Lights - install a small two way directional light above your heads, on the wall, so you can read with light but it is directed to the book and not the whole room and it works brilliantly, as you can turn off the light not needed. Explain to the family that you are at that stage where you need a moment or you will end up murdering the lot of them and that all of the above are needed to ensure sanity prevails.

as you think it’s worse due to peri it probably is . I was much more angry and outspoken in peri than I ever was before or since . Please just talk to him about it and together come up with a solution . Be it a sign or a space somewhere that’s yours .

It’s not derailing when you’re talking about the OP.

You said you don’t like ladders! But maybe you could use the loft office, after your husband has finished work! Maybe the more times you use the ladder, you will get use to it. Make it your space, when you go up and tell family not to disturb you.

I would commandeer the sitting room or kitchen or bedroom, and make it plain that when you're in there you are doing your own thing. I'd hope locking doors wouldn't be necessary.
But everyone needs their own space. I know I do. I choose to spend most of my time in a room alone and others are guests rather than fully welcome whenever they feel like it. Sounds weird but the others have the same freedom in their own rooms. I'm lucky it's just three adults, no kids.

Well her DH hasn't got privacy either. Apart from a desk and a chair in the loft where he can't exactly chill out and watch TV can he....?

I don't get why you can't just agree if you need your own space that one of you is in the bedroom and the other downstairs? Yes you may get interrupted from time to time but that's just family life.

It sounds very extreme and unfair to put a lock and DND sign on the door to keep your husband out when it's his bedroom too.

If a man did this and the woman posted on here that her DH had locked her out of the bedroom there would be uproar...

Organise the house better: get rid of the TV in your bedroom and make your lounge comfortable enough that you enjoy watching it there. Then say get a Do Not Disturb sign and tell everyone when it’s on your bedroom door; you are getting changed or are asleep so no baths or showers during that and if it’s your DH coming in, be v v quiet. Get yourself a lovely pillow, a sleep mask, ear plugs if you need, and make your bedroom as lovely as you want it. I don’t know why you mention your husbands work station.. sounds like he has tried to carve out a small space to work in which is no easy feat in a house already very full. Sort out your communal areas so people will use them better and then sort out your own bedroom exactly as you would like it!!

You explain the situation respectfully and openly here . Do the same to DH and ask him to help find a solution. No tv watching in the bedroom? No DC or DH in the bedroom between 8-10pm daily? This is not a rejection of anyone just a new need for space. Or could you create a woman cave in a garden shed?

Just speak to your DH. It doesn't sound like he has a clue that he's upsetting you, nor is he telepathic!
Get another shower fitted for the dc, get a lock on your bedroom door and tell your dh that you need some space now and then.
I regularly tell my dh that I'm having an hour to myself in another room, he doesn't mind at all. It's crucial that I actually tell him though, I wouldn't just flounce off and expect him read my mind.

Not everyone has a need for personal space and aDND notice would be agreed first. Very different than one partner doing it without consulting first.

Get the family bathroom redone with a good shower and ban all others from the en suite.

Yes it's perfectly reasonable to need your own space.

Put a bolt on the marital bedroom door. Agree with DH that you're allowed to withdraw and bolt yourself in there for up to 2 hours if you first check with him that he isn't going to need to use it imminently.