I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Glad you got some sleep, you’re in a lot of people’s thoughts at the moment ❤️

I just want to add that I think you are an amazxing, strong woman, op, and I admire you while my heart goes out to you.

OP you are doing so well.

Keep going, you have all of our support.

So he hasn't made any attempt to see your older child? That's rubbish.

Yes, don't give him any ammunition, he's the loser here, no one else, just keep it simple and civil, you've got all our support and your wonderful family, you dont need to stoop to his level. i wonder if it might be a good idea to have your family with you and reco4d any face to face you have with him.

I'm another one, who's in awe of your composure.You managed to make lots of really sensible decissions under lots of stress.
So sorry you had to live this, also thinking of you and your lovely family.
My only bit of advise, as have also lived through something similar, go to see a solicitor getting the finaces sorted, is also priority next, sorry I know you are about to give birth, so staying calm and giving birth are actually priority! However get all you can while he feels guilty , or at least while he thinks you might let him back if he behaves well.Who cares if that's sneaky he's been sneaky enough.
Hope your birth goes really well, I will be rooting for you.

I have been following along op and just want to say you sound absolutely amazing and so strong. You may not feel this way personally but I see someone in a very sad and difficult situation who is staying strong, composed and putting their children first. In a few months time when the dust is starting to settle you are going to look back and be so proud of how you handled this.

I’m sure he is good with the children but that does not make him a good dad. A good dad would prioritise a stable and happy family home over their sex drive. A good dad would spend quality time with his children instead of spending it with another woman. A good dad would support and care for the mother of his children so that she can do her best for them too. A good dad would be asking after his 3 year old and the well-being of the woman carrying his baby. A good dad would want to set the moral bar high for his children. A good dad would not have lied over and over again.

A good dad would not have done what this man has done and a good dad would not be acting as he is now.

He is NOT a good dad. He is at best not an awful dad.

He actually sounds psychopathic! So so cold. OP I think one day you will feel glad the OW dropped this grenade and see it as positive that you didn’t remain shackled to this cold, lying, heartless cnnnnt. I am so angry on your behalf and I’m so so in awe of you. You will thrive again.

@Waffletots , I’m so sorry you are going through this. As a former midwife I would like to add a word of caution that childbirth is, of course a time of extreme emotions. It can be easy to be swept along by the tears, love and sweeet words that are said at the time.

I would suggest that you consider your ex meeting the new baby in a separate room from you with another family member there to mediate. And keep to this until you feel strong enough to deal with him. Family can do all the communication whether by phone, messages or whatever.

Please rest as much as you possibly can right now and focus on the upcoming birth and your child as your primary concern- which I know you are. He can have any spare headspace you have later. Maybe in January.

Will you stay with your parents post natally? Your small child is going to pick up on all of this no mater how careful you are and will almost certainly act up when the new baby comes so 24/7 support would be great if it’s available.

I wish you all the strength and fortitude in the world. And an easy labour x

Op's a star, Weary.

@Waffletots Your soon to be ex husband has now lost everything {doubt OW wants him there full time, now he's no longer ''exciting'' and ''forbidden''}

Of course you are ignoring him! What does he expect?

To be welcomed back with kisses and warm regards after he has been sticking his dick in another woman?

Is he nuts?

You made your bed, sonny, now go and lie in it.

Agree with @WhoIsBetty - no good dad treats the mother of his children like this!

I also struggle to see this man as a good dad.
His complete and utter coldness, the lack of any apology or acknowledgement that he's done anything wrong. Why is he like this? I think it's because the op is extremely vulnerable, she is on the verge of giving birth and has another small dependent child. Her extreme vulnerability has triggered him into 'total predator' mode he feels he can get away with anything and manipulate her into doing what he wants her to do.
I hope to god you never take him back OP, and I'm sorry to say this but I wouldn't trust him with my babies. He should be groveling and begging for forgiveness the fact that he isn't makes my blood run cold.
Maybe I'm being melodramatic here? I don't know. I sincerely wish you all the very best@Waffletots

What stuns me most is this fellow’s arrogance. Those texts! Not a word of apology, concern, humility or even good will — towards either OP or their children — let alone any attempts to repair or reduce the harm he’s doing. Just demanding her attention. Thank god for her family.

Do things on your time not his. Right now the priority is the baby and then when you are ready you can started to think about the future.

One glass of wine - as several have pointed out - will do no harm, and would probably help her.

I think this man's behavior and communications are an expression of cold fury. He thought he had everything just as he wanted it, a wife and a mistress both of whom he was able to fool dominate and control. And then suddenly it all fell apart and he was completely humiliated he had his arse handed to him by the op's brother.
He is absolutely furious and that's why he can't bring himself to apologize or admit any fault.

He will want revenge for all of this, for the loss of his Kingdom over which he ruled.

So glad you got some sleep. It makes such a huge difference to your state of mind. I'm horrified that this man hasn't even had the decency to apologise. He really has shown himself hasn't he? I hope solicitor goes well, it's a lot to take in. There are a lot of resources out there too (I was forced to self rep so had to learn the ins and outs of family law very quickly). I would probably have somebody take messages from him so you don't have to. Concentrating on yourself, your toddler and the new baby is what matters now. I hope work is horrific for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good luck with your solicitor's appointment this afternoon x

I whole heartedly agree with this.

OP, you are a magnificent woman and mother. I have to add my voices to the others saying that your H is not a good father, not at all. He has risked their happiness, security and stability (they will continue to have all of these things, but ONLY because of you) for his own agenda. No amount of 'but he's a good dad' will ever cover those tracks.

He has failed at the most basic hurdle of putting his family first, thinking of his kids above all, and has potentially thrown their little world into chaos (again, ONLY because of you will he not achieve this). He is NOT a good dad. He's a bloody awful one.

I think his messages are carefully worded, and he's hedging. He hasn't apologised or begged forgiveness, because - possibly - he doesn't know the detail of how much you know. He's possibly even hoping to get away with 'few drunken shags/fear of impending baby life/similar bs.' Finding out someone you love is this person is catastrophically upsetting, and realising the extent of who they really are will take time.

I'd either continue to ignore, or - my preferred option I think, but others may not agree - just be completely factual and minimal: 'I have instructed a solicitor. They will contact you to deal with matters on my behalf.'

Thinking of you, OP.

I haven’t messaged back as I truly have nothing to say

Fabulous.

You're doing so well @Waffletots

Be prepared for the great dad to turn into a shit one. My ex did after I discovered him cheating. He now only has sporadic contact with his teenage daughter. She opted out of seeing him about 6 months after we split, as he went from perfect dad to a worse than rubbish one.

The discovery of his deceit meant that he fell hard into the rabbit hole and put himself first in everything, including his children's needs. All he could see was what he wanted. It didn't matter about his children's needs.

Imo, prepare for the worst from him. But I hope your children actually get the best.

@WhoIsBetty has said things so much more succinctly than I ever could.

I hope your appointment is useful today @Waffletots, and that you can get as much of the tedious (but sadly necessary) paperwork and bureaucracy out of the way before you get to huddle up with your family. I sincerely hope that you manage to find some love and light over the next few weeks, as you truly deserve it.

The lack of apology seems as though he’s planning to play the victim as much as possible.

1 point for your fault:
*I’ve been feeling neglected
*You don’t give me the attention I need since our child was born
*The financial burden is all on me and I’ve been stressed and I’m not myself
*We don’t have as much sex as I’d like and I’ve tried to explain this to you before

2 points for her fault:
She threatened to tell you if I didn’t carry on seeing her
She made me feel sorry for her because…

I’d have a lot more respect for them if they just owned up to what they done and apologised. I wouldn’t say it made a difference, but at least they’d have acknowledged what a twat they are.

And it’s so cruel. To try to blame the woman you’ve been deceiving for the last year.

But he’s certainly not committing to acknowledging what he’s done is he? Idiot.