I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Absolutely. He didn’t give a shit about his kids when he was shagging his fancy piece.

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That sense of the world shifting on its access is ghastly.

Secondly. You WERE happy, both of you, but on different terms. He was happy because he was having his cake and eating it, that’s the difference. Don’t at any point blame yourself for not realising etc. There’s no shame in trusting things are as they seem, but there’s huge shame on him for taking advantage of it (and remember he’s done it not just to you but the OW as well, over a long period of time, so it’s not a one-off behaviour).

Thirdly, as someone else has said, at some point he will turn nasty. Sorry. It might be telling you you’re being selfish or cutting your nose off to spite your face; really what he means is that you are now the reason (in his head!) why he is unhappy and having to deal with all sorts of fall out. Don’t fall for this.

Lastly, best of luck - like many others I have been thinking of you and trying to send good wishes your way since I first read this. You’re doing brilliantly. Big hug.

God what a massive knobbing bastard he is. And not even an apology! Not even a single solitary fucking sorry! He's an extra knob for trying to wheedle his way back in by using 'the children'. I'd reply only to tell him not to contact you again, and to tell him to go through your legal channels only. Wanker.

Hi OP, so sorry for what you are going through. I’ve read both threads but I did skim some posts on this one so apologies if it’s already been said but in case it hasn’t: when you see a solicitor (hopefully ASAP), please ensure you have something officially documented stating that you and your husband are separated and you nominate someone else (likely your mum or SIL, as they’ll be with you at the birth) as your NOK/medical decision maker/s if you are in a position where you cannot advocate for yourself or if consent on your behalf is required for any procedure/treatment. It is highly unlikely this will be needed imminently (wishing you an uncomplicated and safe birth!), but I imagine your husband is on your medical record as your next of kin/medical decision maker currently. While you can advocate for yourself and make your own choices known, the hospital/staff will support you but if there is any situation where you cannot, they have to follow whatever protocol that is covered by your laws. I’m not sure how things stand in the UK but I know my husband is automatically my NOK - however, I can nominate someone else and have this documented and I imagine you could do similar given your current circumstances. I know that might seem like a big step to take so early but given your close due date, you need to protect yourself. The last thing you need is your mum/SIL (or whomever you choose) to have their hands tied and be unable to advocate for you and have your (STBX?)husband in charge.

I've been thinking of you op. Like everyone else I cannot believe his text! WTH.

I hope you and baby are ok and you've been having snuggles with your toddler.

Sending you lots of love and strength 💐

OP mentioned that OW just found out from another colleague that baby will arrive in “a few weeks”. OW just has no decency and does not deserve any respect. Taking revenge on OP during her last week of pregnancy is cruel. OP is managing it well and has family support in place. But it could have not been a case, she could have overreacted and it could have impacted the baby. This type of shock could even lead to premature birth. You need to be cruel and selfish person to do what OW did. And anyway I strongly believe that anyone who falls into a trap of relationship with married man has no values or inner strength. You fall in love so demand he is out of his family before you even start dating.

On another note, I suspect this won't have the desired effect that bitch of an OW is hoping for. He might well keep shagging her for now, but he will be raging that she did this. It'll all end horribly and he'll be on his arse begging before you know it. Twats like him hate having the control forcibly removed from them.

I'm not a mum so perhaps I don't understand. But if it were me, I would prefer that the OW told me before the child arrived, even if it was at the end of my pregnancy. I would hate to find out after the child had arrived and the precious memories of my child being born being destroyed by knowing that my birthing partner and husband had been deceiving me all along. I would prefer to give birth with my loving supportive Mum and SIL present and have the agency to decide this.

Op you sound like such a great mum. I've also been single since 38 weeks pregnant.
Your husband sounds extremely weak and cowardly.
You have got a great support system. Lean into them and enjoy your baby when they arrive. Don't let him ruin this precious time. All baby needs is you x

And he can say he tried but op is the bad guy for not agreeing, does OW not realise he has been cheating on her too. They deserve each other and when the divorce and court proceedings start the novelty will soon wear off. Their colleagues must despise them both.

The OW may not have known and sounds blindsided by this information.

The OW had four options:

1. Not tell her at all (wrong: she has a right to know)
2. Delay for a long while until the baby is older (wrong for the same reason, also she’ll be more trapped with a baby and toddler to juggle).
3. Delay until after the birth (wrong: she’ll be physically more vulnerable and extra trapped with the baby to take care of. Plus she has the right to know)
4. Tell OP immediately, as OP has the right to know and the information is hers to use as she sees fit. The downside is emotional stress in late pregnancy. But she has the maximum amount of time to get her ducks in a row, including before she has to juggle care of a newborn.

There is no good option for OW if she was well-intentioned. Telling her now is the least worst choice.

It sounds like he’s offering very little with that reply. Expecting you to bow down. Possibly testing the water. I would expect at the very least any reply to start with an apology and explanation and what that person is willing to do to provide a way forward that would accommodate and acknowledge you and all you’ve been through. And in this situation some practicals about how you both hold your children while you do the crucial task of birthing! That can be the only decent starting point imv. Anything else isn’t a partnership. So keep that silence girl, it will give him a chance to go and reflect, and reflect, and reflect again each time you don’t respond. Poor show on his part so far.

You have been amazing. I’m going to emulate your strength whenever I’m in a situation where I need to take action and do what needs to be done!

…feeling pain and suffering…
Wtf said anything about that!?
He ‘s yet another pathetic male specimen for whom sex with any available female other than his pregnant wife so far preferable to being an honest, caring monogamous husband.
I am sick, sorry and tired of women defending these sad, pitiful men creatures.

I agree, telling her now gives the OP the most agency which has already been taken away from her. I feel the vitriol is best directed at OP's husband and not the OW. I feel that she's tried to do the best thing in the circumstances as she clearly feels guilty and was blindsided by OP's husband.

If I could respectfully remind people this is someone's private life falling apart. Whoever told OP to create a second thread so they could gleefully lap up all the drama wasn't doing so for her benefit. You all know as well as I do that encouraging an OP in a situation like this to keep posting new threads gets the topic trending and it is then picked up by journalists for the national red tops and plastered all over the press.

I expect to be attacked by those salivating over what he said next for attempting to encourage OP not to bear her soul so publicly for other people's entertainment because how dare I tell people what to post etc, but frankly some of the shameless revelling in her misfortune here is disgraceful.

Some people need to go and watch some daytime TV and stop encouraging a vulnerable pregnant women to bare all so they can get their daily entertainment fix under the pretence of trying to be helpful. None of you are going to be there for OP when she is even more distraught because her private life has been splashed all over the tabloids.

"his mistress is callous and her timing is cruel."
Or, as much as she participated knowingly with a married man, she was lied to also & decided OP should have the knowledge & power to kick this POS to the gutter

Yet here you are catching up on the thread

You cannot seriously believe that people purposefully encourage an OP to keep posting so that it gets picked up by journalists?

Besides, this is a tale as old as time. Even the pregnancy part, infuriatingly. It isn't even journo fodder.

OP has said herself that the thread has helped her, and the majority of posters have been nothing but supportive.

There has been page after page of support. Something many people would actually find comfort in.
There isn't any salivating just genuine concern, from many people sharing their upsetting stories too. Please don't tarnish that with unpleasantness.

She was fine when she knew this turd of a man was lying to his wife, but she doesn't like it now she has found out he has also lied to her, so she suddenly feels the need to be honest? Where was that "honesty" before and what did she expect from a proven liar? How anyone believes the "my wife doesn't understand me / we sleep in separate bedrooms" shite is literally beyond me.
The pair of them deserve each other. Op and her children deserve far better.

I have only read pages and pages of support from a worldwide network making it go into high numbers of posts.

The point being made was that the prurient nature of this discussion is prime fodder for the red top sites whose stock-in-trade is peddling sexual scandal. I think it a fair observation.

It's true to say some of the posts have been revelling in these threads as a form of entertainment; in the first thread in particular. Happily these are in the minority by this stage, albeit the speculation about H and OW is far from helpful and likely not what the OP needs. There has also been some valuable, practical advice offered about financial protection and putting in some mental health support to mitigate the possible future impact of PND.

It was OP's choice to post a second thread and she's said herself that she's found the groundswell of support from other women a comfort. The positive effects of stranger-goodwill in such times can't be overestimated, and whilst OP is in a vulnerable situation she seems intelligent, grounded and more than capable of making that benefit vs. risk judgement call for herself.

I see the negative side the above PP points out, but there's also a great deal of good here that counterbalances it. Unfortunately there will always be a minority of people who spoil things with their derails, personal spats and provocative behaviour. That's the www for you.

Absolute rubbish. And I'm sorry, the timing of the original text (11.30pm on a Saturday night) suggests to me that she was probably intoxicated, upset and angry, and wasn't thinking about "doing the right thing" by OP, but very selfishly messaging as an impulse decision with dutch courage.

She may have known about the baby for awhile.

She certainly knew he was married (she thought he was leaving? Don't get involved before you know 100% he's left!) and also had a toddler. No sympathy or grace from me.

I think OP is worth 1000 of both of them.

@Waffletots I hope you managed to get some sleep. Wishing you strength and determination in dealing with this. So glad you have a good support network around you. Make use of them, and lean on them when you need to.

Why pp feel the need to engage in little off topic spats and derail the thread, I've no idea, but please stop! Op has enough going on without reading petty squabbles.

Absolutely. OW has behaved appallingly from start to finish. it’s truly heinous.

And weirdly it didn’t occur to OW that if a man lies and deceives while cheating with her that equally he could lie to and deceive her?