I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

That’s awful he hasn’t contacted you. Speaks volumes. You sound incredible and I hope you are ok x

Morning my love, so glad you started a new thread. When this happened to me, my MN threads were a lifesaver. You will be overwhelmed with advice/things to do but I'm going to say a few things that I'd wished I'd done at the time and practical tips. Like you, I had a toddler and was completely blindsided.

Firstly, keep communication with him to a minimum. Look at the Grey Rock method. At the same time, block OW everywhere. She's got to go to work this morning knowing that she's thrown a bomb into your life. Don't give her any oxygen.

Read "The Script" that can be found on here. This will prepare you for his excuses, gaslighting and ultimately blaming you for his actions.

Find a solicitor for an initial consultation. On the back of that, make sure you know exactly where all important financial documents are and keep them to one side. Withdraw cash from the bank before he does. I'd be striking while the iron is hot because he is more likely to agree to things while feeling guilty and that WILL change. When he realises the impact of his behaviour he will be nasty. Do it while you can.

Don't change the locks. He's entitled to access to his home and you can't stop that at this stage. Doesn't mean you have to be there.

Speak to midwife/GP.

Don't play the "pick me" dance like I did. He's betrayed you for a whole year and during your pregnancy. He won't change and accepting he's a cheating arse is better than thinking you can somehow salvage this.

Lean on friends and family (and us here). There will be many women who have been through this exact scenario and who can tell you that you will be OK, however distressing things are now.

Apply for UC if you're entitled (easy to do online and extra cash hopefully). Get the council tax reduction as a single person. Make sure child benefit is in your name.

I'm sure there will be other things to mention but for now, it's practicalities and getting your ducks in a row as it were.

It sounds as if you have an amazing family and will have a lot of support to see you through. You WILL get through this and life will be happy again. One foot in front of the other

Agree with all the other posters that the silence is deafening.

You’ve been incredibly brave and strong - this sort of betrayal must feel like you’ve just had the ground ripped out from beneath you. I’m glad you’ve got your family around to support you and sending you all the best luck in the world.

@Waffletots, I am in awe of your strength. You are a fantastic role model for your children - you will get through this and re-build an even better life, knowing that you haven’t wasted another minute of your life with that utter bastard. Glad you’ve got real life support - maybe they can help you get your admin together whilst you concentrate on preparing to welcome your beautiful baby 💐

Please start get as much money as you can into your name and gather as much financial detail as you can just in case he cuts off all contact and financial contributions to you and your children / home . He’s proven himself to be an utter lowlife so would not put this past him . Hugs OP you are being amazing

Well there’s no point in him denying it, given the evidence OW provided you with.

I hope your parents are supportive.

Did you think about moving money out of shared accounts?

Yes this is what I’m having to think about right now, I’m trying to go back in my mind to spot signs and apart from never leaving his phone around and working a lot I can’t see any. Intimacy didn’t stop, I don’t feel like he pulled away emotionally. Seems like he was a very good actor and I was far too trusting and content so made it easy for him I guess.
It’s painful to know he willingly brought this baby into the world whilst sleeping with someone else. And our poor 3 year old too, I’m just glad they’re too young to pick up on what’s happened, just happy to be at their grandparents getting spoilt!

There’s really no point of him messaging when you’ve been sent clear proof. He must at least have the sense to know that the OW will send evidence. He’s a loser. Wishing you all the best OP

@Waffletots it is good to see that you have good support at this troublesome time. your children will thank you when they are older and it is a great lesson to other women and girls how not to put up with horrible, selfish cheating bastards! you will get through this, though it will be hard, especially with a new baby and a toddler, but you will get there. it is his loss. now start getting financial things sorted for yourself today/ take half the cash out the joint account if you have one, keep it in cash. get all bank details sorted out and start changing direct debits now, because i cannot see you ever forgiving him for this and allowing him back. get it touch with cms right away! plan for christmas at your parents if possible.

Op you are amazing. I'm so glad you've got such a wonderful supportive family around you.

I have no words that haven't already been said but you will have a tremendous support on here.

He's silent as he can't deny, he knows you know, he's figuring out his next move.

I agree with the @TheFormidableMrsC and make your plans now. We're not talking divorce but get financial agreements legally (not his promises) in place for the next few months until you're strong again after the birth to make long term decisions. Wishing you all the best. You DO NOT deserve this and none of this is your fault. 💐 (((hugs)))

I hope it goes OK, did you get any sleep 😴 I've been thinking of you this morning. It's actually quite triggering reading your original post OP - that numb feeling of being in a dark tunnel and the noise around you sort of muffled I'll never forget, please take it easy on yourself. Hugs from me xx

@Waffletots he may well have been genuinely happy but was able to compartmentalise his life with you and the DC as being entirely separate from his fantasy life with OW. It’s not something a lot of people could do but clearly was in his case.

Please try not to torment yourself by analysing every conversation, action or look from the last year - ultimately you’ll just hurt yourself more and it won’t change the reality of what he’s done. Seek and accept support in whatever form that comes from those around you, allow others to hold you up while you’re dealing with the shock and pain.

Betrayal is so complicated, it’s the grief of losing someone and the life you thought you had but intensified by the pain being intentionally inflicted by the person who was meant to love you the most. Feel all the feelings at whatever intensity they arrive but remember you will get through this in time. You will fall out of love with him, you will be happy again.

Sadly it does look like he feels there's no point messaging because you've got the proof and he can't deny it. You would have thought maybe there would still be a point (e.g. at least bothering to say sorry) but perhaps not. That said, I'm sure that will come eventually so hope you can stay strong. In your situation I don't think many could forgive and forget - it will be hard for you in the next few weeks but it sounds like you have supportive family around you which is a real blessing. You have done brilliantly so far.

Yes that's one thing I forgot to mention. Get onto CMS today and start a maintenance claim immediately. As he's employed it will be a simple enough process and then you can update it when the new baby is here. This can all be done online too. You need to open an "account" with them and go from there.

Thank you for this, it’s hard to think practically right now. My Dad is very good financially and I know he will be straight into helping with this when I go round later this morning, my mum will just want to be there emotionally which will be the perfect mix, I’m very lucky.
I have read the script and assumed I would be reading it again from him last night but nope, nothing!

So sorry OP. What a custard. Please do get your financials in order and contact a solicitor before baby comes along and throws everything up in the air. Get evidence/screenshots of all savings etc. From various threads I have read, these types of people can get nasty about money. And if he can be that callous when you are pregnant with his children I dread to think his true colours.

Well done lovely. Your parents will be shocked, angry but will put you, your dc and soon to be born baby first.
I’m not surprised he hasn’t been in touch, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He’s as a pp said made the biggest mistake of his life. What a twant. It appears that the OW didn’t forewarn him of her bombshell, so it shocked him to the core. He knows the family support you have so had no option but to slope off.

He will be in touch, but leave him to wallow in his own misery whilst you focus on one baby step at a time. You will need to get practical stuff done and those of us who have been through similar can help you.

You’re in the eye of a storm right now, but with your family and us to support you every step of the way, you will, I promise get through this.
Take care brave lady.

Hopefully people don’t flood this thread wanting all the juicy details like they did the last one.

OP you don’t have to ‘update’ anything. This is your private life, you are not other people’s Monday morning entertainment. Please don’t feel
obligated to post further details for people on here to salivate over under the guise of solidarity.

Your family clearly have your back and will get you through this x

Think every woman in England hates this guy right now. Lucky for him he’s anonymous.

I was in the hairdressers and an elderly lady was saying how her grandson had done what ops Dh has. Every woman in there of every age and class including his own grandmother were hating on him.

Thank you, we have our own accounts but a shared one for the bills, mortgage etc. I’m not sure whether I should take any money out of this one? What if he does the same and the bills for the house aren’t paid?

Hello op. I am glad to hear from you, myself and partner read your op and the development where she sent the screenshots and were horrified.

The only positive I can come up with is that his character is not good enough for you. He has the capacity to lie and cheat. Once the shock abates, you'll be better off without him. He has shown himself to be massively unsuitable for you. X

Hugs xxxx

Hope you got some sleep. X

I can't believe he hasn't been in touch! At the very least to apologise for everything he has put you through when you are so close to giving birth.

He's probably sitting trying to cook up a story on how it definitely wasn't his fault and he tripped and fell on top of the other woman.

I would donate any Christmas presents you have got him to a foodbank/charity shop as he obviously won't be welcome in your home to celebrate with you.

Scotland too!