I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

The fact he has sent the single line message boe smacks of him going round to said womans house, her saying to him, no thanks you didnt tell me you were expecting another child as you said it was pretty much over with your wife and I was tour everything and now shes kicked you out you turn up here, so get out. Now he has nowhere to go and has fucked everything up. I bet thats what has happened here, OP concentrate on yourself and don't let this absolute cnnnt back in your head. Good luck with the baby and hope you get some rest x

OP, just catching up with your story and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I just want to add how much I admire your approach to this. Your clarity, your sense of self worth, your care for both your children. It doesn't surprise me you have a family who support you to the hilt. You sound brilliant!

I know the times ahead will be very hard, but I have no doubt you have everything it takes to rebuild your life for you and your children.

You are going to be ok, you sound like an absolute warrior and a very bright intelligent woman. This next few months will be hard as hell but you have so much going for you, your little 3 y.o, your new baby and your family plus your amazing strength. I just want to add my good wishes and support.

You're right, my ex ow was most upset when she found out he was having an affair with someone else behind her back, I warned her he was a lying cheating thieving scumbag but she wouldn't listen, I don't think her fiance had much sympathy either. OP is doing great.,

I read your threads thinking 'what a strong and decisive woman you are', and how great it is to have such excellent family support.

Then I read your husband's text and thought - you must feel especially vindicated on not doing the grovelling etc for 'children's sake'. What a shit he is ☹️. I bet he's also feeling particularly offended that you skipped the big confrontation and fighting for him stage - idiot!

I'm sorry he's has done this to you and especially at such a vulnerable time, but I have nothing but admiration for your resolve. I'm wishing you continued strength in the tough times to come 💪🏾💐.

My MW reckoned labour has a knack of holding off in a crisis, until the mum feels a bit safer. Your body is experiencing all this stress and it gets a vote in when labour starts. Trust it, it might hold onto that baby until you are feeling more ready.

Re the meditation tapes, I hope that worked and you had a decent night's sleep. It's a great idea. "Sleep music" is also a genre you can have in the background if you're struggling to drift off with words. There's loads on Spotify. Pure sleep music, whale song sleep music, rainforest sleep sounds etc.

I have slept and feel so much better for it, I’m off to see a solicitor this afternoon with my Dad. I saw my midwife this morning who was very supportive and understanding even when I was blubbering! Baby’s heartbeat sounds good and they’re moving as usual so fingers crossed they’re happy in there for a few more days whilst I try and get myself a bit more sorted! She’s assured me that they won’t allow my husband in the room when I’m giving birth without my consent (which I assumed anyway but still nice for my frazzled brain to hear)
I have had a few more texts from my husband whilst I was asleep, nothing groundbreaking just “Hello?” “Are you ignoring me?” And “Will you speak to me?!”
I haven’t messaged back as I truly have nothing to say 🤷‍♀️ plus he’s said absolutely nothing of substance and his pathetic attempts only make me feel stronger to walk away, I think if he was begging me it would make this harder (not that I would change my mind!)

This all sounds good. Glad that the midwife appointment has put your mind at rest and that the solicitor appointment is already scheduled.

Well done on ignoring the texts.

I can't believe he even thinks for a second that any of those texts will cut it. The 'Are you ignoring me?' one in particular is laughable. How bloody dare he insinuate that you are doing something wrong by ignoring the prat.
Well done on being so proactive and strong. Go through your solicitor from now on re the formalities with this piece of shite.

You're so strong OP!
I would have replied to the "are you ignoring me?" message with a Yes.
But then I'm not as strong as you.... wish I was!

I can't believe he hasn't apologised, told you he loves you, said he's been a selfish idiot or done anything at all to indicate that he's sorry and understands that he fucked up.

I think your continued silence is the most dignified response, plus also the most frustrating for him, which is an added bonus.

Utterly unbelievable that he still hasn’t uttered the word sorry, nor asked if you and his child are ok. Not even asked to see his child?!

'Are you ignoring me?' Yes, yes she is you absolute fucking moron. I am honestly in disbelief that he hasn't asked for your child or even attempted a sorry

And OP, we all think you are excellent, and both your babies are very lucky to have such a brave mama

Glad you slept and the meeting with mw went well. I cannot believe those follow up texts. What a buffoon. Well done for staying strong. We are all rooting for you.

Give him no oxygen 👍🏾. His behaviour is shockingly cold.
It's as if he's given himself the right to just walk all over you ☹️.

I do appreciate this message and your concern, I can completely see your point of view.
For me, this thread has helped me from a few hours after getting the text when I thought it could be made up right until this very moment. I have a great family but sadly not many friends, certainly none who I would trust with guiding me through this without prejudice.
The fact I can remain anonymous during this whilst still being raw and vulnerable has been a godsend, I don’t know any of the women here but truly I felt held up by all of them and it has genuinely helped guide me through, I haven’t felt like anyone was fishing for gossip etc, I can appreciate people are invested in my story and I don’t take offence to that.
As far as the press / journalists, I’ve been careful to not disclose any information about my name, where I’m from or the gender of my 3 year old or anyone else’s names.
If this does come out somewhere, so be it, I’ve done nothing wrong and I’m proud of how I’ve handled myself so far. However I am aware my story is a tale as old as time and I’m sure they will find someone who’s willing to disclose all! But that’s not going to be me.

It’s obviously winding him up something chronic you’re ignoring him. Please continue to do so. This man has done nothing to apologise for his lying, cheating, the pain he’s caused, he’s not enquired after any of you. He has simply sent you cold messages, and now demanding ones.

ignore him. Crack on with your plans. You’re not some chattel there to do his bidding, and be treated like shit.

you’re doing very well. Especially in the face of what you’re dealing with it. Show him you’re made of stronger stuff.

please do not inform him when you go into hospital! do not inform him when baby has been born. he knows your due date but just ignore any messages from him till you are well back on your feet. good luck with the birth xx

be careful with following this advice. In the event a divorce gets ugly, you don't want any accusation along the lines of you with holding information about or contact with the children. When the baby is born, inform him. If you don't want to do it, get a family member to help. Just date and time of birth, weight and name if you have chosen one at that point. He can whistle for anything else!

Not even a simple "are you ok?" in there - or "How is the toddler?"- what a loser! Well done for staying strong that cannot be easy xx

Been following your thread and had to tell you, Your doing amazing, i'm in awe of you.

You will survive this, i know its not what you imagined your life to be but in years from now when you look back at this, you will be so proud of yourself.

Every storm passes. It will take time but you will be OK x

Thank you, although I don’t want him at the birth of course he deserves to know that he’s a father again and I will make sure he knows as soon as possible. I would never stop him seeing the children, yes he’s proven himself to be the most shit husband but he could be a good Dad and was to our three year old up until a few days ago anyway! I wouldn’t want my children to miss out despite how I feel about him.

Stay strong OP, your actions have been very admirable. Wishing you all the best x

Really glad you managed to sleep OP, your whole family are behind you and it sounds like the midwife team are too - you are handling this like an absolute queen.

Your 'D'H on the other hand is absolutely pathetic. What is he hoping to achieve from these messages? I can't understand it at all. Where is the apology, the concern for his children and pregnant wife?

It would be devastating if he said he was definitely leaving for OW and didn't love OP anymore, but would be at least a recognisable human response.

I think he's devoid of normal feeling.

I have nothing useful advice-wise to add but I am sending love and solidarity and an unmumsnetty hug xx