I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

@Waffletots well done one putting yourself first in this horrendous situation.

Sorry to be super practical here and I hope this doesn’t cause alarm but if I were you I’d also arrange a power of attorney at that solicitors meeting. I’m sure it’ll be unnecessary but a medical emergency may well occur during your impending labour and I’m sure you’ll want those with your best interests on your side should anything happen.

Best of luck with everything, you sound like you’re surrounding with support and love.

How is your 3 y/o coping with suddenly not seeing Dad? How utterly shit of him, on top of everything else, to not once enquire after his child. Don't doubt you for a second but struggling with how he was a good dad before but immediately seems to have forgotten his kid.

Perhaps his true colours showing through.

You are so much more diginified than I could ever hope to be.

I just wanted to add my voice to say how much I admire you @Waffletots you sound amazing, as does your family. I'm so glad they are there for you, keep leaning on them, they will want to do all they can for you.

Just take everything one "baby" step at a time and in your own time too. Don't allow anyone to pressurise you and take all the time you need to make decisions and plan your next steps.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but reading all your responses, I have no doubt that you will be okay - it may not feel like it at the moment - but you are amazing and you and your little ones will be okay.

You have a whole host of strangers from around the world sending you positive vibes and wishing you courgettes, strength and happiness.

Power of attorney takes weeks, maybe a detailed birthing plan, named contact, would help, the staff would act in best interests if they need to and make emergency decisions. It's always good to set up a poa though at any stage in your life.

Hi i think @Hocuspoc is giving wise advice

However now is the time to fucus on yourself and the kids and to block him

I think the OW has behaved as badly as him maybe there is a chance for them both to work through their 'issues'. seek forgiveness 'change' but they will have to put in a great deal of work on them selves. In time they could change, I'm afraid some people never do and remain dysfunctional and flawed human beings.

I don't know this husband of yours the fact he hasn't said much via text could mean he knows he has lost something so dear and precious that he has no words to express.....

Right now DON'T forgive ...

Fucus on the love of your family who will.take care of you .

Your husband has to take responsibility for his stupidity , lust and arrogance.
No one else can.
I pity him

All the advice about NOK , solictors is ace

You probably don't know him like you thought you did so take care

I went through something similar 25 years ago Waffletots, I wasn’t pregnant but my mum had died a couple of weeks before and I felt very vulnerable. Not helped by his girlfriend ringing me to tell me he loved her not me.!!!!
At the time I thought my life was over and I would never be happy again. I had very supportive friends who made a point of making me realise how many of their friends had been through something similar and were now happy.
I remember reading a funny, brilliant Marion Keyes book Watermelon where her husband left her the day she gave birth and I could relate to the emotions of the main character so much.
I am now happily remarried and genuinely wonder what I saw in my ex husband.
It will get easier.

You are a remarkable woman OP!

If you're going through hell, keep going!

It could be his first day back at work. Some of his co-workers might have read this thread Waffletots and put 2 + 2 together, if someone had already told OW.

Take care. xx

Did he remember/ know you had a meeting with the Midwife?
When DH was at the to of his marriage game, he'd always remember at other times, less so.
It's a sizeable club that no one ever imagined joining. I did find the support, anger and logistical tips from women really comforting. It gave me a bigger community, I'd previously not been aware of.

OP - when my first marriage broke down, I relied heavily (and was extremely grateful for) a message board like this, although it wasn't MN. Family and friends were brilliant, but I often wanted to rant on and on, well into the evening, and go through things over and over again. The support I got was amazing, completely overwhelming, and a bunch of ladies who I never met got me through the worst.

What does your gut tell you? Has he had any change of behaviours?
without confronting him and stressing yourself more I would leave my phone unlocked and on the text. Wait for his reaction.

please take care of yourself in all of this xx

Can’t believe he hasn’t managed an apology 🤬

I'm flawed he hasn't asked about your DC yet.
I'm worried for you he's likely to never take an interest in them again.

So pleased your baby is doing great and the midwife put your mind at rest, you have support in real life and here @Waffletots x

What a thoroughly decent woman and mother you are! He absolutely doesn't deserve you. You have risen above so much awfulness from him and still are being fair and dignified. I can't believe he hasn't apologised, said sorry for hurting you and admitted what a heel he is. I echo everyone else in my admiration of you, your strength is amazing. I am only sorry you are having to go through it. Your babies are lucky to have a mama like you.

Exactly! No sign of a grovelling apology or enquiring after his child...just me, me, me. Unsurprising.

It's gone way past this point now. Rtft.

OP, you are amazing and handling this beautifully. We are all behind you. I'd like to say I can't believe his text messages, but sadly I do, he sounds like every other cold-hearted cunt I've come across when they've been found guilty of wrongdoing.

How is your 3 yo?

I'm glad you got some rest and you're midwife reassured you about the birth and well done on getting a solicitors appointment sorted.
They will be very matter of fact including child access your newborn will probably have a different set up until age appropriate.

It might help to make a list of next bits so post baby arrives are you staying with your parents or your mum staying with you a bit etc.
Take it one step at a time hour by hour if you need to.

This. ^

No attempt to check in on his DC or give an apology, even a lame one, is utterly shocking and speaks volumes. It's all about him still.

Agreed. He'll be wondering what action the OP has decided to take.

Yes - of course you are ignoring him. He just destroyed your marriage

If he isnt getting a response from you OP he could at least message anyone else in your family to ask how you and DC are. I expect you are reflecting back on his behaviour over the last few years and if you ever really knew him. Is your SIL speaking to him, giving updates on your health?

I’m staggered at how well you’re holding up OP. When this happened to me, I was a total wreck and in shock for some time, just about managing day to day with my toddler. I could hardly articulate my name, let alone describe my feelings.

Good luck to you, whatever gets you through the day,

Even if he has contacted other family members, I hope that they're not acknowledging him. Until the OP has placed matters in the hands of her solicitor, she's safer ensuring that he has no information at all.

I’m amazed he hasn’t even apologised!

Good luck OP,thank goodness for your lovely family (and Mumsnet 🙂)