I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

I am so impressed by your handling of this horrible situation. You are so lucky to have parents and brother and sister in law who are so supportive. You are all so strong and will get through this.
A friend of mine thought her husband was great, and so did family, etc. However it turned out he had been having affairs and they split. Unfortunately he had taken out credit in her name, and left her in debt.
I am sure you're on it with your dad already, but please look at your finances, credit score, etc just in case.

His follow up texts are so cold and selfish. Not even a sorry!

Do you have a relationship with his parents op? Sorry if I've missed that information. Maybe they could help with passing on information to him about the children or even help facilitate him having contact with your toddler, if that would be easier for you.

Glad your baby is healthy and happy in there. You sound so amazing and he sounds utterly devoid of any empathy, you deserve so much better x

@Auberg
I agree, this man isn't willing to admit anything or apologize for anything until he gets more information- also suggest that the ow isn't cooperating with him at all?

He's doing everything he can to manipulate the situation to his advantage and he feels he can get away with it because his wife is in such a vulnerable and compromised situation.

I think you’re right, @Mrsbloggz. That makes sense of the blunt, peremptory texts, like calling a dog to heel. One of the women he owns is refusing to obey him. 🤮🤮🤮

OP, please don’t expect him to be co-operative, let alone generous. I hope you find a good solicitor who won’t let him get away with anything. (Can mumsnetters recommend solicitors, eg in direct messages?)

His first move is to try and minimise and move on. He's likely to start to apologise when he realises his first strategy isn't working. It's all manipulation.

You deserve so much better, OP and I'm so glad you know that.

Can people stop posting about wine? No one's interested.

His first move should have been a full and abject groveling apology.
Imo the fact that it wasn't tells you everything you need to know, he's a cruel selfish predator.

As others have pointed out, this reeks of someone who has forgotten that this woman is his wife and the mother of his children, NOT an employee/serf.

@Waffletots i think you have handled this with the greatest amount of dignity and self respect kudos!

id suggest and it will fuck him right off only reply to the messages pertaining to the children. Anything about your or what was you both, ignore. He will get the message very quickly that the only topic up for discussion is the children

I have had a few more texts from my husband whilst I was asleep, nothing groundbreaking just “Hello?” “Are you ignoring me?” And “Will you speak to me?!"

I haven’t messaged back as I truly have nothing to say 🤷‍♀️ plus he’s said absolutely nothing of substance and his pathetic attempts only make me feel stronger to walk away, I think if he was begging me it would make this harder (not that I would change my mind!)

@Waffletots

Do you think it would be worthwhile having your brother text him "Please stop texting Waffletots. She will contact you if and when she is ready to talk to you"? Give him a chance to stop and then if he won't, block him.

His latest texts are reeking of poor me she's ignoring me ffs! What happened to the I'm sorry? Or what about, are you okay I'm worried I've not heard from you so let me know you're okay! What a waste of air he is.

You've been amazingly strong and your family sound brilliant. Xx

Glad the midwife appointment went well and that she was able to reassure you about keeping him out of the delivery room, speaking of which, all of us on here will be metaphorically holding your hand when your baby is born. You are bloody incredible!

I think you can log who you want to make medical decisions on your behalf with the GP. Not 100% sure but it is worth speaking to the GP and midwife to name parents as the emergency decision-makers.

I'm with @Mrsbloggz Op, your ex is cold because he's angry, he never thought you'd find out and if you did he thought he'd talk you round. The calm and efficent way you threw him out before he even got through the door must really burn him, and now you won't speak to him either. Good, he deserves nothing from you Op. I hope the solicitor visit has gone well and you're managing to eat and sleep for you and the baby

Agree with this. He isn't sure how much you know, and he's messaging accordingly. Plus, he has monumentally underestimated you, OP.

Also agree with AcrossthePond - getting your fab brother to tell him to cease his attempts to contact you.

Glad mw has put your mind at rest that dh can't enter birthing suite

Hope this afternoons appointment goes as well as can under the circumstances

His texts are madness. Did he really expect you to just reply as if everything is ok

Dignified silence @Waffletots and you have a ton of woman supporting you

This is a very good point

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better after sleep and that the midwife was reassuring.

If you want to continue to get online support, or just post and vent, it might be better to do it on the Relationship board once this thread is full. It’s a bit quieter over there but you’re less likely to get drive by posters.

@Boniho you may speak for yourself but don’t put me for one in your box .
OP may not have know that the thread fills up then she wouldn’t have been able to post anymore. .

It was clear OP needed this space . She has her own choices as do you .
You are choosing to turn a supportive thread into something else of your own narrative .

He is digging his own grave with his texting finger, isn't he! Still not one word of an apology or an are you ok? Just entitled me me me prod prod prod.

I think you're right not to engage and to have given a clear message to the midwives re access.

It'd be all stress, distress and emotional blackmail the second you submit and answer his texts.

And definitely speak with your family re clear messaging to the hospital about next of kin, decision making and childcare arrangements - the last thing you want to consider, but it's wise. And will help your family help you.

I would let him know once the baby's born and registered. You won't want him turning up possibly with an entourage.

He should be allowed to see his own child when you feel stronger and on your terms; but he'll use that to turn on the waterworks and turn up the pressure so don't be alone when that meeting happens.

Even his messages are disrespectful.

Stay strong OP. Three cheers for your parents and brother.

Fair point about the baby in a few weeks bit (sounds like she must have realised it was late pregnancy, rather than knowing it's at term)

But what she said was that he led her to believe they were already separated and that leaving was dependent on house sale/admin. And we've all seen the many threads in which MNetters are arranging separation under one roof because of difficulties selling. It remains possible that she is telling the truth, and that she dumped him instantly, and told OP before he could get in with the "crazy 'office flirt' trying to wreck my reputation as she's woman scorned"

There is never a good time to find out your "D"H is a lying, betraying shite.

And this is all his fault.

Conmen are usually charming skilled liars. That's why people fall for them, believe in them, and are ready to accept even only flimsily plausible excuses.

You are doing amazing OP.

I'm a planner so would want to think in advance of conversations with your H about when the new baby arrives.

Will you allow him to visit in the hospital or the house?
Will you prefer your mum or dad to supervise a visit?

I wouldn't want my first conversation with him to be about the arrival of the new baby. I would arrange to chat before then no matter how hard that will be but you need to hear what he says, potentially tell him to fuck off or just that you both need to park things for a month or two and make arrangements for him to see your DC and/new baby. I wouldn't want these to be conversations around a new baby which will soon be your priority.

Have read so far then only your posts OP and the last one says be careful about keeping the birth from him but imo, he hasn't even asked. Or about your 3 year old. You're not there to remind him he's a dad. He can wait to know anything until he's asked!

But reading your replies, as much as my heart is breaking for you (my ex got someone else pregnant when I was, a woman who lives four doors away! So I can relate somewhat) and so impressed by your strength. Even if you don't feel strong sometimes, your attitude is admirable ❤️

I'd like to add aswell, when I felt most vulnerable and hurt, I found the light thing worked. Imagine yourself surrounded by a bright, white light. Extend it to your child and baby. I'm not sure how it worked but I found it healing. I imagined it as the strength and love of my deceased grandparents and any other entity I could take it from. There will be emotional ups and downs but, the children have who they need. Let him wallow in his choices, you're doing incredible.

Remaining as dignified as you are is the way to go OP. I went stone cold and total grey rock when my ex buggered off with Ms. Fanny Pelmet 2001.

My approach shocked him. I think he thought I would go mad and try and get him to stay.

I schemed on how to shaft him out of getting the house and succeeded in that and bought him out. I was as cold as ice throughout the whole process. He simply didn't deserve any more of my mental energy.

Op your bravery and strength is amazing well done.

im in my 50s now and over the years this has happened to many friends. And you know what, they are all absolutely fine now with kids off at university or in jobs. The dads have various roles in their lives or not. Not one of them wish they were with their ex. Stay strong xx