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Original poster

I know his secret… thread 2

1000 replies

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 08:43

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

I know his secret but how do I play this? | Mumsnet

I have been married for five years to who I thought was a wonderful man, we have a child and one on the way. Last night I received a text from his fe...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

OP posts:
Severina559 · 09/12/2024 21:55

2025willbemytime · 09/12/2024 21:40

I would hope so. If the mum didn't want him there.

Show quote history

They will if she tells him they are separated and she doesn't want him there.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/12/2024 21:55

AliceMcK · 09/12/2024 21:51

I’ve been following another thread OP. The circumstances are very different as this is a couple that had been together almost 40 years and grown up children. But the content is something I thing will help you, especially in understanding how fast things change, the emotions involved, the game playing. The OP on this thread has kept her resolve and I think has been inspiring. I hope it helps when you’re in a frame of mind to follow it. I’ve only copied the second thread, but it’s easy to find the first one.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5186498-no-longer-blindsided-by-h?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I was going to link this. Good shout. Inspiring thread and a lot of us on here are over there too.

Thesheerrelief · 09/12/2024 21:58

Can't imagine he'll come into the birthing suite wielding a marriage cert, a ring, plus his passport as proof of identity 🙄 I don't think being married gives you the legal right to be in a medical setting against your spouse's wishes.

Anyway, OP needs to do what feels right to her. And only that. Wishing you the very best @Waffletots

CeeCee2022 · 09/12/2024 21:59

I just wanted to come on and say that I am so sorry your going through this 💔

I seen your post about sleep meditation. Me and my son listen to a guy called Stephen Dalton on YouTube, he has a load of different sleep stories which work wonders for me when I am too Anxious to sleep. Maybe check him out if looking for some ideas.

Keep strong and look after your self and your babies ❤️

AngeloMysterioso · 09/12/2024 21:59

NarcoosseeLover · 09/12/2024 19:38

His message suggests avoidance.
He’s trying to avoid conflict and return to normal asap, focusing attention on the children rather than taking responsibility for his actions.
It’s minimising what he has done to ‘this’.
It’s a lack of acknowledgement of any pain caused.
It’s redirection of attention.

It’s quite clever actually. If you think about it. To a weak person, it may scream that the affair lacked importance and let’s prioritise the children and go right back to normal. Let’s forget this little inconvenience.

To a strong woman though, it demonstrates a weak, scared man, who is trying to avoid accountability and hoping prolonged silence will eventually force her to make the first move, the first contact, giving him the upper hand.

He’s weak.

And his mistress is callous and her timing is cruel. She knew what this would do and she knew how vulnerable the op would be. She through a grenade into the op’s life and walked off. I’m not surprised the husband never really wanted her beyond a shag and would like the stability of his family back.

Indeed.

“Can we move past this”

This.

Such a short word for such a huge, enormous betrayal.

Bitdemented · 09/12/2024 22:01

Good luck. You are brilliant and doing so well. A strong woman and a fantastic role model for your wonderful child ( and baby to be). Mind yourself & Stay strong. xxx

NellyCortado · 09/12/2024 22:02

In awe. You are incredible. Sending best wishes and strength Flowers

murasaki · 09/12/2024 22:03

Thesheerrelief · 09/12/2024 21:58

Can't imagine he'll come into the birthing suite wielding a marriage cert, a ring, plus his passport as proof of identity 🙄 I don't think being married gives you the legal right to be in a medical setting against your spouse's wishes.

Anyway, OP needs to do what feels right to her. And only that. Wishing you the very best @Waffletots

Well quite. My parents have been married for 50 years, mum has a raft of medical appointments for her kidneys, dad wants to be there and she won't let him. So he sits in a car park until she's done. As is her (unhelpful as I see it, but valid) right.

Tiredofallthis101 · 09/12/2024 22:06

Wow he is so cold. Agree with PPs, block him and have your brother be the intermediary until you feel strong enough to engage with him again. It's so horrible this has happened to you but now you know what a monster he is you know you are better off without him.

murasaki · 09/12/2024 22:07

AngeloMysterioso · 09/12/2024 21:59

Indeed.

“Can we move past this”

This.

Such a short word for such a huge, enormous betrayal.

Show quote history

This. You are so right. How trivialising.

I don't normally blame the OW quite as much as the cheating partner (still blame, obviously, if she knew, but we know she did here)but she will have known the shock of this could have sent the OP into labour. And that is unforgivable. Slightly less than his behaviour, but not by much.

Until he leapt ahead again with his text.

Mamana127 · 09/12/2024 22:08

What is wrong with some men surely. Like Wtf 😳 must they always cheat? before cheating don’t they weigh options like loosing their family, kids missing out on their dad, he must have thought about what would happen if he is found out. There is just no justification or any woman worth chucking your kids over. Poor this poor lady is now faced with the burden or raising two kids alone something she didn’t sign up for in the first place, while he gets off to have fun with another woman 😢 it’s heartbreaking. Chin up babes you have you have got this 💪🏽 strength of a woman. Your eggs need you strong. Cry it out and rise like an eagle 🦅 and win 💪🏽.

Onceachunkymonkey · 09/12/2024 22:09

I’m not sure, it reads to me like minimal effort. Like he’s playing at wanting to stay in the marriage to say he tried, but he’s no intention of it . He knows the op is not going to say sure, cmon home.

im sorry op, but I don’t think this is a man who wants to stay in this marriage, which makes me wonder if he got the woman to text you. He’s being so , so cold.

Slooodie359 · 09/12/2024 22:10

“Can we get past this, for the children?”

I do wonder if the master manipulator OW approved that message before he sent it? Because it literally means nothing.

I’m kind of wondering how this looks for them both at work … if it’s public knowledge. Most companies frown on relationships and one of them may need to change dept .. if possible. It’s not a good look - esp considering circumstances

crockofshite · 09/12/2024 22:14

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 18:15

I’m back from my parent’s house, that was a very difficult conversation but they were 100% behind me and very supportive. My Dad is as I expected helping me with the financial side and mum is being very supportive emotionally and they’re both amazing with my little one, as always! Between them and my brother, they’re letting all our family know the situation. My three year old is staying with my parents again tonight as I haven’t slept and don’t want them to pick up on my mood at all.
In other news my husband has sent me a single message which reads
“Can we get past this, for the children?”

This is the first step of his campaign to put the whole silly misunderstanding behind you both. He'll start to get increasingly nasty and aggressive once he realises you're not falling for it.

BTW, slightly off topic, but when you packed his bag, what did you put in it? Pants? Socks? Phone charger? I just can't imagine thinking through what to include.

Thesheerrelief · 09/12/2024 22:16

I'm hoping she packed odd socks, a charger that doesn't work on his phone, the dingy dressing gown of doom that you read about on here, and trousers that are terribly out of style

FreeRider · 09/12/2024 22:17

“Can we get past this, for the children?”

My father had his first affair when I was 5, my older brother 6 and my younger brother was 2 and a half.

My Catholic mother felt she had to stay married to him, even though she had a very wealthy family who disliked my father and would have been overjoyed to support/help if she'd left him.

All her agreeing to this did was to give my father carte blanche to do it again. I was 21 when he finally left her for another woman, so that was 23 years of him being unfaithful. I'd worked out he was a cheat before I was 10. It's a very long story, but basically my childhood was shit. My mother is now a very bitter and angry woman, who used her adult children as weapons during the divorce...she never put us first.

He will do it again.

TrainedByKittens · 09/12/2024 22:17

OP I’m another woman here in awe of you, you’re amazing your love and concern for your children shine through your posts. He was cruel and as so many others have said his message lacks accountability. He is hoping you feel sufficiently vulnerable you’ll take him back. I’m so glad you have your parents, brother and SIL close to provide practical and emotional support.

I’m shocked at how callous the OW was telling you at this stage in your pregnancy but she has done you a favour long term.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/12/2024 22:17

Thesheerrelief · 09/12/2024 22:16

I'm hoping she packed odd socks, a charger that doesn't work on his phone, the dingy dressing gown of doom that you read about on here, and trousers that are terribly out of style

i was hoping for his dirty washing.

Mumof3confused · 09/12/2024 22:18

That message…is that the best he could come up with? It reads like he wants you to sort this out. Well done for telling everyone and getting your ducks in a row.

OneNiftyPoet · 09/12/2024 22:22

GladAllOver · 09/12/2024 21:18

I'll bet a pound to a penny that the OW made contact because after being screwed around for a year she's finally realised that his promises of leaving his wife for her were false.

The OW has dumped him, and out of guilt or revenge she's letting the cheated-on wife know the truth. Which in the circumstances is the least she could do.

Letting a heavily pregnant loving and trusting wife know the truth? The least she could do? NO NO NO. She is a vile bitch to have dropped this bombshell on lovely OP at this point. It would be very hard to find a good time to do it but this could not be worse timing really.
OP I admire and respect you hugely for how you are handling this. He is not worthy of you. He should be grovelling apologies. You will go onto better things. He is toast. And the OW - karma is a bigger bitch than her...

B0RING · 09/12/2024 22:23

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 09/12/2024 21:35

Someone above mentioned not putting him on the birth certificate - in E&W there is a presumption that if you are married then the husband is the father so not as simple as not putting him on (unfortunately).
Also, remember that because you are married, he could register the child without you being there.
Don't want to add to anxieties but bear it in mind...

He would need the paperwork from hospital that the mother is given when she is discharged. As well as his marriage certificate . So in practice it’s very unlikely that he could do this.

The OP can register the birth herself and her husband will be put down as the father ( if she takes the marriage certificate ). She of course can chose the babies first, middle and surname.

NiftyKoala · 09/12/2024 22:23

Most of these threads are so sad. But you OP wasted no time getting your ducks in a row and setting up your support system. It's inspiring. Best wishes ❤️

MrsPerfect12 · 09/12/2024 22:25

Wishing you a peaceful night @Waffletots
you might want to keep you husband dangling whilst you get your ducks in a row and recover from birth. He'll keep sweet if he think there is a chase or reconciliation. It will buy you time.

Loloj · 09/12/2024 22:25

Absolutely unbelievable that all he can send you is “Can we get past this, for the children?”.

The man is abhorrent - how dare he?!! How dare he send you ONE SENTENCE!! I’m furious for you OP.

He should be begging forgiveness, grovelling, trying to understand how much hurt he has caused, accepting full responsibility for his actions! Instead he is acting like it is some kind of equal “falling out” between you both. He could not even bring himself to say sorry. Absolutely unbelievable and that message deserves absolutely zero response.

I’m so sorry OP - you are handling this incredibly well 💪 xx

murasaki · 09/12/2024 22:26

I have to say, while I'm very fond of my family, if I had to pick another one, the OP's sound top class. And having no brothers, I was impressed by yours.

Op, you have these lovely people in your corner. You are luckier than he is.

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