No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

Has the relationship with OW ended? I followed the previous threads and could really empathise as I went through a similar experience, but please don’t be too invested in the tarot card reels those always say what the majority of people who ask for tarot readings want to hear.

look at synchronicity instead of fortune telling if you really want to know what the universe is telling you ⭐️

The relationship is said to be over and now more land lady / lodger

But frankly if he told me today was Sunday I would still check the calendar. It was clear early in they didn’t know one another ( except horizontally) nothing in common and actually look an odd couple.
However, she is not indifferent to me shall we say - and clearly not sorry enough to send him home.
Si she gets rent and a man about the house - she’s not daft. She will screw him over I. The end!

Well, he's made his bed and boo hoo if he now gets turfed out of it. Meanwhile you keep on keeping on, and soon you'll be living your best life and he really, really won't. Karma is doing her work well here, and so are you.

Do you want him back?

Not sure why you ask if I want him back - he is making absolutely no effort to undo the mess he has made. Despite family and friends all being appalled.
The analogy of a train journey has been used- I am almost at my destination and H has yet to buy a ticket or find the right platform!

I don’t hate him - all I can do is look after me. False hope is a killer and would keep me stuck in limbo.

only in relation to the tarot card reels you mentioned, I read cards frequently and people often want to know if their ex is secretly pining for them. I use the cards for divination which means I can’t predict futures, only help people to realise what they subconsciously know to be true.

its so refreshing to hear someone acknowledge how false hope only keeps the person in pain.

@Gingerloaf I, personally would never have agreed to any contact. I would not even have kept his details and I would have only had contact through the solicitor. he deserves absolutely no more time in your mind or your life. you go forward and enjoy your life. let him languish with the older woman. x

Oh Ginger, you've been on my mind and I've wondered how you are.

So, the merry widow is now the merry landlady? That didn't take long. And him with his 'oh I need to look after my mental health'. Prick didn't think much about your mental health when he skipped into the sunset with the widow did he?

He's definitely making plans to return though. Perhaps not straight away as I think it takes men longer to realise what they've lost, maybe 8-12 months. And usually by that point the strong, gorgeous, amazing woman has moved on and is not interested in a reconciliation.

Good on our tribe questioning the OW. They have been much more polite than I would have been. All that for an ego boost and a month or two of sex with someone else. So sad.

How are you feeling about it all now? You are still bloody amazing. Wonder Woman. But you have definitely been through the wringer in the past few months ❤️💪

@Gingerloaf

Glad to 'see' you and it sounds as if you're doing very well when it comes to your mindset.

"I don’t hate him - all I can do is look after me. False hope is a killer and would keep me stuck in limbo."

Not hating him is excellent because what you are striving for is indifference and it sounds as if you've reached that, or at least are well on your way.

"Not sure why you ask if I want him back - he is making absolutely no effort to undo the mess he has made."

I think perhaps it's because it's highly likely that at some point he will. He'll make an effort to show how he's 'changed' in order to be taken back. But we all know that it won't be a sincere effort nor a permanent change, it'll last just until he feels he has you back where he wants you. He thinks he knows how you 'tick' and he thinks he has plenty of time for his manoevering to get his feet back in the door. As PP says, it may take months before he 'makes his move' but make it he will. I think posters asking if you'll take him back are just looking to reassure themselves that you truly have your eyes wide open and your heart firmly closed. I feel sure you have because in the end it will be your decision, not his.

But onwards and upwards, yes? And remember that there's nothing really wrong with 'toying' with him if the time comes he starts angling to move back home because he deserves it and you deserve to get some of your own back. As long as you are doing it from a place of indifference.

I'm so glad to see you back, I think of you often.
Really thought your update would of been a reconciliation, can't believe how he's acting.
You've acted with so much dignity, I don't think you should take him back if he ever does repent and beg. You're worth so much more than the way he's been treating you.

You've been through the mill, keep going, I can't tell you how much you've inspired me.

Sorry pointythings didn't mean to include your post

@ohyesido - I quite like tarot, went to a brilliant one years ago in Brighton. I have also had very uncanny / specific predictions that came true.
It just amazes me that FB is ‘listening’ and the algorithms are limited
Anyhow I have learnt a lot about karmic relationships shall we say. This one is defo defunct karmic - they are probably irritating each other now. But they still hope to save face!

@Fannyfiggs - hello again. Curious you think he will return. He did make an unannounced visit which OW did not now about. He seemed to have an idea that saying he felt guilty would do the trick. When my response was get some counselling he popped back into victim mode. This incident happened before I did my rocking up at their house just as they exited the house - if you remember I had to style it out and wave. H got in the car and we went for a chat. OW was not pleased. So now it seems he is not allowed out by himself - again can’t say too much but he is curtailed now. A friend did think he had stopped visiting because it might trigger him. I entertained that thought for a short time - he is so far in denial it’s unreal.

This week coming, my tribe are going to ask some awkward questions of OW at an inconvenient moment - again I wish I could say more. This process is teaching me patience and that all will unfold given time. If I can find a way to explain it without outing myself I will!

90% of the time I feel ok - every now and again a thought pops up. Mainly WTAF went on there after so many years together.

@AcrossthePond55 - hello again. He made some slight ‘right noises’ but to paraphrase Eric Morecombe - it was all the right noises but not in the right order.

Actually I am not sure he does know how I tick - he massively this Ginger loaf and has been dealt with at every turn with firm boundaries. Perhaps one day he will buy ticket for the ‘train journey’ but I am not holding my breath.

Both DS and DD have nothing to do with him - that’s the killer. Family events and Xmas are looming and H is not in the picture.

Lovely to have you back on board - I hope you are all well and thriving. X

Hello @Diarygirlqueen - I did think he was seeing the light about 3 weeks ago. Especially after he jumped in The car and we chatted but he’s still steaming about something - and brings it up each time. I had to involve the police and he can’t seem to acknowledge he messed up he is actually now suggesting he would not be safe with me - when I say victim mode it’s a magnificent piece of gaslighting - it’s actually quite something to behold. He should at this point just STFU on the subject and maybe apologise at a later date.

Again I hope you are well - lovely to see you back here.

Actually I haven’t got time for reconciliation yet - have spa day courtesy of my good friends who think I deserve a treat ( they are just fabulous friends),I have the obligatory pedi and mani booked so I do t look rough at the spa, I have a comedy show to see in a city far away, I have a tattoo to get, I have taken up a sport and just generally day to day life is busy.
When the advice is put yourself first I really am trying - most of the weight has stayed off and stabilised ( got Marco to think about haven’t I) and I realise that for years I just rolled up my sleeves and got on with whatever needed doing - pampering me was a pre children habit that has been resurrected

So my advice to anyone in a long term relationship- do t believe the grumpy old man stereotype, expect respect. Look after yourself - for yourself.

I’m so glad to read such a positive update. The way you have handled yourself over this has been inspiring!

I have no evidence other than a strong gut feeling, but wonder if I will soon be in a similar position. I’m taking courage from your posts and starting to look after myself and get my ducks in a row.

@YorkshireTeaDance - sorry to hear that.

Check his phone, check the banking app if you have one ( there were time I thought H was at home renovating but he went to the local town for a small shop and a shag - as you do) it helps pinpoint their movements.
my H took ‘find my phone’ off his phone!! But it was on mine so he knew where I was.
listen carefully to what they say - is he talking about someone more - even random rubbish from the workplace. My H had to say her name - but I didn’t see the significance. Has he changed his behaviour towards you? Is he suddenly too tired and not even wanting to watch a film with you??
If your guy is saying something - do not ignore it.
Sort house keys, bank, codes and passwords to stuff. Think what you will need to know if he does walk - car log book - whatever your circumstances are there will be things he ‘controls’ make sure you have as much as you can.

Watch and listen - the ironing / gardening/ dusting / whatever it is can wait, you may need the time to just BE to see the signs clearly
Personally I think a traveler in the car would have helped but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Sending you best wishes that you are not joining this tribe of shat upon women. ( apologies to shat upon men!! We know it happens)

Your fabulous friends have your back you amazing human- now let the universe deal with the pair of them , and mark me lady she will all in good time. Meanwhile you have wonderful adventures ahead with people who love and value you, larks, frolics and perhaps the odd bit of naughtiness too. Something that appears lost might just be ‘found’ in the weirdest of places don’t ya know🤣🤣🤣.
Revenge is best wrought from the top of your castle zero fucks given. Actually you living your best life, smile on face, nails and hair gleaming, arse pointed in his general direction might just be all that is required to send him over the edge.? He might learn to really see you - oops too late sucker!!
Now, head up, best knickers on and get planning your next jaunt.

Hindsight. It is something all those of us who have endured the unthinkable wish we’d benefited from. I think deep down we know when an OH has checked out it’s just too awful to face in realtime.
I am living proof that life gets better in the other side.
if you have any doubts then self protection is essential. Best wishes from a stranger

Wishing you well hoping you find peace

Thank you so much! I am certainly more aware and awake to the possibility, and will do as you’ve suggested. There certainly would be opportunity as I am often caring for my elderly father.

Reading your experiences has shown me that even if the ‘worst’ happens, I will be fine. I’m taking comfort in that thought. If I do find evidence, no doubt I’ll start
my own thread…

Glad to read your update, OP! I've followed your previous thread. What a spineless piece of work he is. Delighted that you're still doing so brilliantly and, frankly, that he is not. Particularly his kids not speaking to him. Entirely deserved.

it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs

I'm afraid it's standard 'DARVO ' which is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims,”

It's really something, isn't it.

Wonderful to read your updates @Gingerloaf - I am glad you are doing (mostly) OK. I too have been thinking of you and hoping you are alright.

You're amazing.

@YorkshireTeaDance I'm sorry that you may be heading this way too. Sending love and strength your way also.

Why are there so many utterly mediocre men who think they can get away with this sort of thing? Hopefully Ginger's ExH will have many happy years ahead of him helping the OW on and off her commode and sponging down the kylie sheet of a morning.

Hello @Gingerloaf , it's so good to see you and thank you so much for tagging me, I'm honoured 😍

Utterly mediocre men indeed @REP22 . They think they're so special and unique but all of our stories are basically the same.

@Gingerloaf so much of what you have written today is so familiar but it took me a lot longer to get to the stage you sound like you're at already, bloody well done. I didn't have MN behind me because I was too scared to post because he 'knew everything I did on the computer'. I always knew I was the stronger of the two of us but I didn't realise how diminished my strength had become while I was with him. Being without him and being able to read, and post on, MN have made such a difference to my recovery and confidence.

Anyway, it's good to read your updates and so good to hear how well you're doing - keep up the good work 💪

Look after yourself - for yourself <- this x a million, for all of us 😍🌷

@Legendarygincupboard - you outed me ….nice bra and knickers bought ( in the sale of course) special occasion lined up!!
and even if there is no Marco - I am actually going to look at myself fine up and think …. Who dat old lady? ( that’s a Fascinating Aida reference for the uninitiated)

Thank You - zero fucks is about right