I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Well I’m proud of the way you’re handling it.

I have also seen times where this was faked though. When I was a kid someone called our house, told our mom she was with our dad right then and they were having an affair. My dad was in the kitchen making meatballs.

So I’m glad you got screenshots from the other woman and while the silence is weird, him not offering any kind of explanation, it’s also showing he’s not going to be honest with you and come clean at all.

Sorry you’re going through this OP!

It would be good if OP could avoid letting him now about legal counsel so that he doesn't have a chance to make a move before getting the first letter from the solicitor.

Men don’t have any legal rights over women’s bodies, whether they are married or not. At least in the UK.

The hospitals only concern is the welfare of their patients - thats the mum and then her baby.

None whatsoever!

His most disreputable-looking underpants, a rusty can of Lynx, and a tour t-shirt circa 1990s. The OW might as well know what sort of bargain she's bagged herself.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

It sounds like you have a wonderful family to lean on I'm pleased for you about that.

And that wine you'd have loved will do the baby absolutely no harm whatsoever. Zero! Please treat yourself to it if you still want.
(Hopefully your midwife will tell you the same thing if you decide to check with them.)
Good luck for the birth and beyond. It won't be easy but sounds like you've got some great support though .

Nice to know op will be safe and listened to in hospital during labour

Just read through both threads and you are absolutely amazing. You're handling this so well and I can only imagine the million thoughts and emotions whizzing through you right now especially being heavily pregnant. Reading your replies to everyone and you are dealing with this amazingly and definitely thinking the right way I would say, especially with your plans going forward and putting your babies first! All the best to you lovely lady, it'll be an emotional rollercoaster but you will get through it xx

Errrr it's zero alcohol in pregnancy

I apologise in advance for writing this, and want to start off with saying that I have nothing but utmost respect for the OP and what she is going through.
I will go back to what she said in the first thread - that she had a perfect life till the day before the messages.
That I read as she was happy in her relationship.
And that combined with this short message he sent now:
I am not reading his message as - he doesn't care to apologise or ask about how she is and the kids.
To me it sends a different message - of a guy who really know he f..ed up big time. He already mulled everything in his head, all the questions and answers and already knows there is no way back and that he shattered their world to pieces. So he is literally asking this as : I know you can not forgive me, I know you wouldn't believe me if I said I was sorry - but could you maybe for the kids.
I am also writing this as someone who witnessed a similar affair at work which I described how it finished some pages ago - and pls don't crucify me - but the guy was actually a really decent guy, loving and proud of his family, but incredibly, and I mean incredibly stupid and easy to manipulate. And no I am not blaming just the OW, he was absolutely to blame too, but it was almost as he was high or drunk when in the company of this colleague (OW). I am not making excuses fir him, just trying to paint a picture than men can be that stupid. And also be very sorry and regretful after the fact.
And for everyone here so convinced they are in this great relationship and reading this thread to their DP pointing out what a jerk this husband is - you don't know what your husband is doing at work either. This is unfortunately so so common :((
I am not saying OP should forgive him, it is absolutely everyone's choice to decide if someone is worth another chance. She said she could never - and that is 100% OK.
I am writing this just to say that there is also no shame in forgiving if one decides they are able to. And people here are so quick at shouting - don't you dare.

I applaud OP for her composure, despite the pregnancy hormones. I'd be going full Vesuvius on him.

Oooh! Use of the “Royal We” under these particular circumstances would have me utterly livid! Where was this “We” when he was telling her than the relationship was sexless and over? Where was this putting the kids first when he was “Working Late/Away from Home”? There is no validity to this question at all from this broken garden gnome.

You are very wise, even in this time of crisis.

I stayed “ for the sake of the children” and it was a huge mistake. My husband never even said he was sorry, he had a year long affair with someone we both worked with and then he stole nearly £100,000 from our joint business and gave it to them.

I forgave him for the children and he was horrible to me because he was “grieving” for his AP and apparently I wasn’t sympathetic enough. He told me I had blown things out of proportion.

So in stayed and he had more affairs and stole more money before I eventually left him. He fought the divorce through the courts for two horrendous years. He ended up with 70% of everything.

I cant tell you how much I regret not having left the first time. It would have been much easier for my children when they were small. And I lost two decades of my life married to a nasty many who treated me like dirt.

I am so pleased to see that you are so much smarter than me@Waffletots

I wouldn’t engage with him at all for now. Do not let him know when you go in to labour or when the baby arrives. The not knowing will be killing him.

I’m so sorry that it happened to you OP, especially at 38 weeks of pregnancy. I just don’t understand what type of person you shall be to ruin someone’s life when they about to give birth. I understand that OW is resentful but what did she try to achieve, exactly? He will never be happy with her and OP has to go through this terrible emotional rollercoaster at the time when she needs to be calm and relaxed and ready to give birth. OW could have waited to reveal the bombshell if she was a decent person.

Not her issue. She doesn't know how far along wife is and not her concern.

Maybe you're the one who is incredibly stupid and easy to manipulate if you believed his sob story and that he was some kind of incredibly loving family man who just got manipulated and didn't make a conscious choice to carry on the affair.

She did it to cause maximum damage. She’s clearly just found out that he has a pregnant wife and so he is clearly full of shit (“we’re basically separated, we never have sex, I hate her… blah blah blah 🤮) and so she wanted to blow up his life to get revenge.

Unfortunately the innocent OP, her unborn child and the three year old are collateral damage.

@ThatEdgyBlueScroller Actually she said she had found out the baby was due "in a few weeks" so she's a fucking callous bitch who knew exactly what she was doing disguised as "feeling bad". He's not left OP for her so that is why she's done this. She's a cunt.

You’re very lucky to have so much family support, an unusual and blessed amount of support. I don’t know how I would cope in this situation as I’ve no parents

@Hocuspoc You sound like an affair apologist. Staying with men who cheat is a massive mistake as you see widely across these boards and in life. OP has already said there is no going back. How you can describe your colleague like that is beyond me. Good grief. Lovely he is not.

Goodness me op I have just caught up.

You are an amazingly strong person.

I'm a single parent. I ended my marriage. Like you, staying together for the children was never an option. Whilst it is not the life I would have chosen it is the one I have made for myself and it is great. It is hard work but i am not reliant on any man and i am self sufficient.

You will get there x

This.

She most likely gave him a deadline and when he didn’t tell his wife, she decided she would blow their lives up. Pure evil. The ultimate pick me type.

I’ve never had an affair probably because it would mean being actively involved with someone who doesn’t put me first. To be only good enough for a few stolen hours here and there whilst they put (rightly) their wives and children first would never work for me. You know, like self-worth and morals would get in the way.

Wish you the best OP. Karma serves you what you deserve. They’ll have a miserable Christmas (he’ll never forgive her for missing his child’s birth amongst other things and she’ll not get her happily ever after despite telling the wife). You on the other hand will have your children and family and love.

@Waffletots providing a slightly alternative view. Not in order to try to change your mind in anyway about him. I think how you reacted and acted is amazing.

You mentioned his parents are not really present and his upbringing might’ve not been the best. Perhaps he does have some unresolved issues.

I think his silence and just that one message he sent might mean, though, he knows he fucked up but he respects you and has no idea how to approach it. He didn’t (yet?) throw at you any accusations etc, not begging for forgiveness as he might know it’s unforgivable. He might not be asking about the kids as he might feel he doesn’t deserve to know and simply doesn’t know how to approach it all.

Just providing alternative view based on how you’ve described him so far. He is still a shit bag and doesn’t deserve you.

"And for everyone here so convinced they are in this great relationship and reading this thread to their DP pointing out what a jerk this husband is - you don't know what your husband is doing at work either."

I'd say exactly the same.

And I wholeheartedly disagree with your reading of the one word text the bastard sent to his wife!!!

If he truly wanted the family to stay together, he would be on his knees begging, explaining, apologising, taking care of his child and his heavily pregnant wife!! He would not have fucked off at the first telling, and not bothered to contact her properly!! This is what 5 years of marriage and 2 children is worth?

And what's with the "don't dare"??? Who do you think you are? That post is the biggest pile of horseshit, and you come across as ridiculous.