AIBU to have expected dinner?

[MagnusCanis]

DP and I live together and share cooking. Tonight was one of DP's normal nights to cook dinner.

I found out this morning, literally just as I was about to leave the house, that the three-day 100-mile-each-way work trip I was departing for was now just the one day so I would unexpectedly be back home this evening. I told DP this immediately.

Got home (three hours later than a normal office day) to find that DP had made and eaten her own dinner, but had left me to fend for myself and could not even offer a reason why. I have made my displeasure at this situation clear and DP has gone to bed in a huff.

In this situation, I'd assume my husband would sort his own dinner out as he'd changed plans and I already only had enough stuff to feed myself. I'd cook for both of us if he came home at the usual time and brought the extra ingredients with him, but I wouldn't assume he expected me to get the food and wait three extra hours for him. He’s an adult, one night of pasta or toast shouldn’t bother him.

I think it's really rude to come home 3 hours later than usual and expect someone else to have waited to eat with you. Nice if they offer but unkind to get angry if they don't. Assuming you usually work until 5, that's 8-9pm you're getting home which is well past dinner time for me.

This thread is a bit strange. Is everyone assuming OP is a man?

If I lived with someone who I knew would be home late and I was cooking for myself I would definitely plate something up for my partner. If I couldn't be arsed to cook for myself and decided to eat toast then I would take something out of the freezer for them microwave when they got home.

No one would describe me as a 1950's housewife but this is the kind of small thing you do to look after each other. No one wants to cook at 21.30 after a full day at work and a 100 mile drive. I would expect the same in return.

How was the dp supposed to know what time op would be home? Op admitted they were 3 hours later than usual. Would you expect a foil-covered plate of the dinner your dp had eaten left placed on top of a pan of simmering water to keep warm for 3 hours?

@FOJN If I couldn't be arsed to cook for myself and decided to eat toast then I would take something out of the freezer for them microwave when they got home.

Why would you make something for them if you didn’t do it for yourself? Maybe the partner had the kids all night? Maybe she was out with friends? Maybe she worked late? Maybe she has at the gym and just got back too?
We really have no idea what happened, but I’m sure OP is perfectly capable of making himself a sandwich if he’s hungry but his tone and “making his displeasure known” says a lot about how he acts.

I agree about tone but I don't think we need to invent a story to explain why OP's partner didn't make dinner.

Sometimes you don't fancy a full dinner but I wouldn't assume that my other half didn't. If we were home at the same time then I would say I didn't fancy a full dinner and they could sort themself out. I always have homemade frozen meals in the freezer so chucking a container of frozen food onto a plate to defrost wouldn't feel like making something for them.

I rarely cook for just myself - I love porridge and on the infrequent occasions I'm home alone at a meal time I have porridge for dinner! None of my family would want a portion of porridge saving... I get home at 10 pm twice a week and sometimes someone (partner+3 teens) has cooked and left me food and sometimes not.

I'd presume that your partner made herself something you wouldn't want (possibly something you'd "make your displeasure known" about if served) and was probably looking forward to three evenings of suiting herself and not having to cater to someone who sounds quite high maintenance!

Of course you're unreasonable. Why should your partner be expected to justify their reason for making food for themselves 😂

I don't think the issue was his partner had eaten, I think it was more that she didn't save anything from him. She knew he was driving 100 miles in one day and would be home late. It wouldn't have been too much extra effort make a bit extra.
Everyone saying maybe shad toast or cereal, maybe she did, but if that was the case I doubt OP would be pissed off.

Communication is at fault here on both ends. You could have asked for dinner to be left in the microwave and equally once she knew you were going to be back she could have offered you dinner if she would normally cook for you on her night.

I also agree with a previous poster about mentioning your DP is a woman. Are you male or female, everyone is assuming your male by responses (which you may well be) but if a wife wrote this about her husband I can guarantee the responses would be LTB, he’s selfish etc

They could both be women, based on what OP wrote?

OP communicated though. He told her he would be home for dinner. His DP said nothing about not cooking for him that morning and not even when she was cooking or eating knowing that he would have to sort himself out.

She was being a right bitch TBH.

Because they take turns cooking dinner for each other and it was her night to cook?

So you told your DP you would be home.

Did either of you say what you expected to happen?

Your partner had planned her meal and it was her turn to cook with the expectation you would not be there.

You seem to think that she simply needed to make an extra portion, but maybe there wasn't enough of the planned food for two so it is actually going to the shop, buying more food.

YABU to not discuss the meal when your plans changed.

Whether your DP should have made more depends on what it is she cooked.

When my DH gets home late I just expect him to buy something en-route.
You say your partner usually leaves food for you to heat up this must be a one off so I think you're overreacting! I'd be very very happy to do myself cheese on toast or something.

I'm single. If I'm late home, I make myself a sandwich or some toast.

This OP is just a self indulgent 'but someone needs to take care of meeee' moan.

I would be annoyed something had not been left for me.

This is key. If she had a sandwich or a slice of toast or even a pork chop then it's understandable there wasn't any for you. If she made a spag bol or curry then yes she could have bunged extra on and plated some for you.

I would have said "do you mind making me some dinner for later" just so it's clear.

I wouldn’t have kept or made you dinner as such, but would have said ‘do you want some of my lovely, buttery scrambled egg on toast and a cuppa?’.

Maybe she had nothing and did share it between you - did you check the microwave for nothing.

Threads like things are so peculiar where the OP and seemingly the vast majority of posters have such strange relationships and lives.

I mean the OP doesn't seem to communicate with his or her partner. Tells them they will be there that night after all but doesn't mention their expectations or arrangements for eating. Nor, it seems, does the OP's partner and ask that question either or even say I am doing x y or z for dinner so there won't be anything. Nor did she, it seems, say why there wasn't dinner even after the OP "expressed displeasure".

On top of that we've a heap of poster who think it's nigh on impossible to change plans on what is being made that night (how exact is everyone's shopping!! Is it done to the gram!?) Not even possible for them to even consider an alternative that would be available for suggestion when they walked in (don't even have to cook for them).

Actually @MagnusCanis worth checking was there a suggestion made and the issue is you had to make it? Was she even there? I mean it does come across your partner doesn't speak in any shape or form.

but if a wife wrote this about her husband I can guarantee the responses would be LTB, he’s selfish etc

I wish people would stop writing things like this. No the responses wouldn't be LTB, she would be torn apart due to the fact that her husband cooks sometimes. Posters on Mumsnet hate that and the majority believe that men who work are entitled to do NOTHING else. Doesn't matter if the poster works too.
I've written on this board that women on here expect nothing from men more times than I care to remember.

Got home (three hours later than a normal office day) to find that DP had made and eaten her own dinner, but had left me to fend for myself and could not even offer a reason why. I have made my displeasure at this situation clear and DP has gone to bed in a huff.

So, you 'made your displeasure clear'.

Maybe the simple truth is that she had little interest in making your dinner. You do sound like a bit of an arse.

Sorry, but I'd do the same as your DP. And in fact, regularly do. I would however offer to throw some bread in the toaster or something though.

OP didn't communicate that they'd like her to still prepare dinner though. Just that they'd be home.

It's a huge leap to say she's been a bitch, that implies she's done this on purpose to piss OP off. Is it not hugely more likely that she just misunderstood OP? Hence why I said "failure in communication". I generally go with the assumption that two people in a relationship like one another and don't do things on purpose to fuck with one another.

Not realising OP expected dinner doesn't make her a bitch, it's called being human. I'd hate to be in a relationship with you if making one small mistake would result in me being called a bitch I hope you treat any partner you may have with a bit more grace.

This. It's one meal. You need to apologise.

She left me to fend for myself.

Come on! This is pathetic. Boil some pasta and grow up.