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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have expected dinner?

221 replies

MagnusCanis · 23/07/2024 21:58

DP and I live together and share cooking. Tonight was one of DP's normal nights to cook dinner.

I found out this morning, literally just as I was about to leave the house, that the three-day 100-mile-each-way work trip I was departing for was now just the one day so I would unexpectedly be back home this evening. I told DP this immediately.

Got home (three hours later than a normal office day) to find that DP had made and eaten her own dinner, but had left me to fend for myself and could not even offer a reason why. I have made my displeasure at this situation clear and DP has gone to bed in a huff.

OP posts:
Maria1979 · 24/07/2024 21:14

What if she didn't eat? Would you be happy then? I don't get it, what's the big deal. Make an omelette, a sandwich or whatever, it's quick and what if she had an omelette ? She could not prepare it in advance now could she. Is there a back story here? Like does she show no interest in your wellbeing in general ? If no, then YABU.

OCDmama · 24/07/2024 21:40

You sound a bit of a dick tbh. What's your relationship usually like?

Why do you think you can treat her like a child or employee with "I made my displeasure known'?

Pipinatent · 24/07/2024 21:46

MagnusCanis · 23/07/2024 21:58

DP and I live together and share cooking. Tonight was one of DP's normal nights to cook dinner.

I found out this morning, literally just as I was about to leave the house, that the three-day 100-mile-each-way work trip I was departing for was now just the one day so I would unexpectedly be back home this evening. I told DP this immediately.

Got home (three hours later than a normal office day) to find that DP had made and eaten her own dinner, but had left me to fend for myself and could not even offer a reason why. I have made my displeasure at this situation clear and DP has gone to bed in a huff.

Perhaps a lack of communication. Maybe you assumed there would be dinner for you because your trip was changed but because it wasn’t explicitly communicated, your partner carried on with their original meal plan. Relationships are different but I think if it was me and my husband, the follow up to discussing a change of plan would have been ‘is there enough for me to have dinner tonight?’ or ‘could you cook me a dinner please for when I get back later?’ or from your partner ‘would you like me to cook you a dinner too?’

A case of six of one, and half a dozen of the other perhaps?

DelilahBucket · 24/07/2024 21:56

Change of schedules like this happen often in my household. If I had originally meal planned for DH not to be hone for tea and it was changed at such short notice I couldn't do anything about it, he would have to sort his own tea out, but we'd have that conversation with each other. Sounds like a miscommunication between the pair of you, nothing anyone should be sulking over.

CautiousLurker · 24/07/2024 22:14

If my partner ‘made their displeasure known’ that I’d not prepared them a meal when they were 3hrs late home, they’d never have a meal cooked by me again.

StormingNorman · 24/07/2024 23:50

BooBooDoodle · 24/07/2024 19:28

I would presume you’d sort yourself out being that late? Think you’re being a huge tit about this to be honest.

Do we know what time OP got in compared to the time they normally have dinner?

StormingNorman · 24/07/2024 23:51

CautiousLurker · 24/07/2024 22:14

If my partner ‘made their displeasure known’ that I’d not prepared them a meal when they were 3hrs late home, they’d never have a meal cooked by me again.

Couldn’t you just leave their portion in the microwave?

CautiousLurker · 25/07/2024 00:11

StormingNorman · 24/07/2024 23:51

Couldn’t you just leave their portion in the microwave?

Show quote history

Why? In my house there is always food in the fridge/freezer that he’s perfectly capable of taking out and zapping if he gets home after standard meal times (including proper cooked meals from that day or earlier in the week) - as I am sure is the case for the OP, as they didn't say they’d come back to a house with no food in it at all? ‘Making his displeasure known’ is as misogynistic and controlling, as is expecting your wifey to rush to the kitchen and prepare a meal when you get home late.

Fortunately my partner would never behave like this, and is often very late home, so my role ends at ensuring there is something in the house that he can make if he needs it.

MsMarple · 25/07/2024 00:48

MagnusCanis · 23/07/2024 22:58

I don't even know.

Show quote history

Maybe she didn't cook a proper meal at all. If my kids aren't home I'll often have low effort stuff like cheese and crackers/tinned soup and bread.

If she'd made a massive delicious lasagne from scratch and not saved you any, then fair enough to be annoyed, but you didn't even bother to find out what she'd had herself.

Frankly your whole tone makes me glad to be single!

DelphiniumBlue · 25/07/2024 00:54

Well if I was your DP, that would be the day I’d have either something I’d planned in advance as meal for one, or it would be something quick and easy like cheese on toast, in which case it’s not the sort of thing that would keep.
But I would probably offer you a sandwich or toast if you arrived home late and tired and hungry.

Doubledenim305 · 25/07/2024 07:54

Petty.
Go into fridge or freezer or cupboard and get yourself something. Hardly a deal.

Alucard55 · 25/07/2024 11:59

What a drama. Make some toast.

Retro12 · 25/07/2024 13:17

Yes, because if I had to cook for myself I would have a sandwich or beans on toast...

KreedKafer · 25/07/2024 13:35

could not even offer a reason why

I have made my displeasure at this situation clear

Why do you communicate in the style of a pompous Victorian schoolma’am? Do you typically talk to your partner in the same smug, supercilious tone that you’ve used to address everyone here? If so, I can certainly see why she wasn’t eager to cook your dinner for you. Nobody wants to whip up a spag bol for someone who acts like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

hot2trotter · 27/07/2024 13:09

Make yourself a sandwich and move on.

ThatsAFineLookingHighHorse · 27/07/2024 13:13

Presumably you're a grown up and could have sorted food for yourself if your plans changed on the day and you were 3 hours home past your normal time. Why should your partner run around on her time off sorting extra food because your plans changed ... and you still weren't even home for meal time.

Bluebellsparklypant · 27/07/2024 13:18

I wouldn’t be happy at being made to justify myself became I made dinner when I was hungry and alone

This … which ever way round (male or female cooking)

Did you just expect the meal or did you communicate that you would be wanting a meal? I know you said you told her your trip was cancelled but unless you actually said you wanted a meal made for you then I’d apologise and move on

Apolloneuro · 27/07/2024 13:32

This is such an insignificant thing to get het up about. Really don’t bring stress in to your relationship over something so small. Life is too short.

5128gap · 27/07/2024 13:37

In my house the news one of us would be back early would be met with 'shall you want dinner?' Or if this wasn't forthcoming 'Are you doing dinner?' Takes all the guesswork out of it. If the person at home wasn't planning on doing dinner they could then say so and a further little chat would happen about whether to eat separately or get a takeaway.

I'm always surprised on these threads about the shocking lack of communication between couples, all silently expecting this or that but never opening their mouth to their own life partner. Then cue hurt feelings and resentment and a rush to MN to be validated. When a situation arises with the potential for a lack of shared understanding, because routine or plans have changed, just speak up. Its ever so easy.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2024 13:43

To those that are saying that the OP was 3 hrs later than a normal office day and would expect the OP to look after themselves for food - if you were cooking and your knew that your other half was going to be home (even if you weren't sure exactly when), wouldn't you include them in the pot? Wouldn't you plate up a dinner for them and put some tinfoil over it so they could reheat it in the microwave when they got home?
If you wouldn't do those things, why wouldn't you?

Epicaricacy · 27/07/2024 13:55

Don't you people just... TALK to each other?

If you manage to be on social media, you must have ways to communicate. It takes 2 quick message to avoid this ridiculous situation. "Ill be home late, keep me some diner/ I am home late, don't bother about me, having something on the way". Done.

Navyontop · 27/07/2024 14:10

It’s one dinner! Is it a bit annoying, yes definitely.
is it Mumsnet post worthy, probably not.

J578 · 27/07/2024 16:13

Personally for me.. whilst I was just about to crack on and make my dinner I would double check. But that’s me!

Turophilic · 27/07/2024 16:57

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2024 13:43

To those that are saying that the OP was 3 hrs later than a normal office day and would expect the OP to look after themselves for food - if you were cooking and your knew that your other half was going to be home (even if you weren't sure exactly when), wouldn't you include them in the pot? Wouldn't you plate up a dinner for them and put some tinfoil over it so they could reheat it in the microwave when they got home?
If you wouldn't do those things, why wouldn't you?

Because I wouldn’t make something that microwaved well.

Easy meal in my own is beans on toast, or a poached egg, or a cheese toastie. Sometimes a prawn stir fry because DH doesn’t like it so I save it for when I am by myself.

Reheated pasta is the very most I could do but personally I think pasta’s pretty crap when heated through and would rather cook some fresh.
But again, most likely self-catering pasta would be with butter, garlic and loads of herbs - not one that warms through well.

Easy dinners for one are by their nature “eat on the hoof” type things.

Vonesk · 27/07/2024 23:07

She probably wanted to FANTASISE for three hours that : She was SINGLE, and the house was all to herself ,had no smelly socks to pick up, smelly toilet to clean, could leave off the make up, false eye lashes, fart unhindered, sing in the bath for hours on end , watch TV to her choice, retire to bed without listening to snoring, And have an aspirin free night without headache.