AIBU to have expected dinner?

[MagnusCanis]

DP and I live together and share cooking. Tonight was one of DP's normal nights to cook dinner.

I found out this morning, literally just as I was about to leave the house, that the three-day 100-mile-each-way work trip I was departing for was now just the one day so I would unexpectedly be back home this evening. I told DP this immediately.

Got home (three hours later than a normal office day) to find that DP had made and eaten her own dinner, but had left me to fend for myself and could not even offer a reason why. I have made my displeasure at this situation clear and DP has gone to bed in a huff.

You sound just like the poster who was unhappy with their DP who went to their hobby for a couple of hours which turned out to be 4 hours and couldn't amuse themselves for that time.

This is a non-issue. She expected you to be away so ate what she planned. I'd have got myself a takeaway or made beans on toast. Next time ask what are you cooking?

Would you expect your DP to be home at a normal time.and not 3 hours later than usual though? In such situations I wouldn't be sitting around waiting. I find this whole "tea on the table" when I get home quite old fashioned and has never been something we subscribe to. When our schedules don't match up we fend for ourselves. That may be by one saying I made a lasagne and there's some in the fridge if you want it. Or it may be I had some salmon and there's some for you to cook if you fancy it .

left me to fend for myself and could not even offer a reason why. I have made my displeasure at this situation clear

This is controlling, bullying bollocks. I don’t care if you’re a woman or a man, this is absolutely horrible @MagnusCanis

You’re 3 hours past dinner time and rather than grab something en route or have a sandwich when you got in, you’re demanding justification from your partner for not falling in with your demands.

I appreciate you were hangry. That’s a you problem - grab a meal deal from a service station if you need to eat.

You’d love being in a relationship with me. I feel so strongly because what OP’s partner did is completely alien to my way of thinking.

I always cook in the week because DH gets in so late and we often don’t eat until gone 9 anyway because I wait for him.

But when he’s supposed to be at an event or travelling and he lets me know his plans change, guess what the first question I ask is?

Are you home for dinner? Yes, ok I’ll cook. No, do you want any picky bits?

so I’m actually lovely and considerate and wouldn’t not cook because I’d been planning to have a no effort bowl of cereal by myself.

She was deliberately inconsiderate. There is only one reason for not asking if OP needed dinner - she didn’t want to cook. And whether she wanted to or not is irrelevant. It was her turn.

If OP did beans on toast for one on their night and told her that they couldn’t be bothered to cook and to sort herself out, would that be ok? Because it is exactly the same in my mind. Utterly selfish.

I wonder what the OPs plan was on the nights he was supposed to be away on his turn then?

Presumably he meal prepped a lasagne for the for partner to have the following night, because if he was planning a low effort room service meal for himself it isn’t a reason to not cook for his partner.

I always cook in the week because DH gets in so late and we often don’t eat until gone 9 anyway because I wait for him.

The OP and you would certainly be well matched.

However, not everyone chooses to live like this @StormingNorman. I certainly wouldn't. It sounds like the DP does not aspire to this either and this doesn't make her a bitch.

Isn't 'magnus canis' Latin for 'great big twat'? Just asking. 😀

Most normal people would assume it was more of a "oh. Right. Well thanks I guess I'll sort my own dinner then?" sort of conversation.

@MagnusCanis I would have expected some leftovers as well, although I have three teen boys so often they hoover those up after dinner as well. I would be upset if we'd had a conversation where I specifically said I'd be home this evening and no dinner was there.

The only exception I guess is if you'd not specified you'd be late and would like some dinner left for you, and if it's not normal to do that. Assumptions are made on past behaviour. Maybe she just cba and had a sandwich.

'Most normal people would assume it was more of a "oh. Right. Well thanks I guess I'll sort my own dinner then?" sort of conversation. '

So. Passive aggressive then ?

YANBU. If they knew you would be home that night they should have made enough for two or told you they only had the time or ingredients to make something for themselves and that you would have to get something sorted yourself.

Ok maybe she should have checked if you wanted dinner. But your overall tone and massive grudge bearing about it is a massive red flag.

Both unreasonable. Both of you could have messaged and asked for dinner.

People's communication skills are shocking

I assure you that any man showing displeasure to me would get short shrift.

Why couldn't you do yourself some beans on toast?

If both are home for dinner, cook for both.

If someone is eating out, cook for yourself.

Consideration isn’t rocket science.

Or DP cooks a spag bol or similar, eats hers and leaves leftovers to be heated up when OP gets home.

And how do you know if t was 3 hours past dinner time? You’re assuming they eat the second DP steps foot in the front door.

Sounds like it was a last minute change of plans and OP didn't specify what they expected. Also, they got home late so I think most people would do their own meal in those circumstances.

Bottom line is that if OP wanted feeding they really needed to communicate that.

I can't imagine doing this to DH or him to me at all! Surely the obvious thing to do, knowing you would be so late home, would be for him to cook sufficient for both of you and leave a plate that just needed to be heated up? I would never leave someone, after such a long day, to have to make their own food.

Some of the responses of "you're an adult, make your own food" are just so off to me - you are in a relationship with someone who loves you, part of that is looking out for the other person and taking care of each other.

Op could still be a woman you know?

See this is the problem. All of this could have been avoided by talking to each other.

Both DP and I travel for work and if either of us are going to be late home we will communicate about whether we're going to pick something up while out, would like some of whatever is being cooked at home that evening, or will do something quick like toast or soup when we get in.

Whoever's at home and cooking will often ask 'I'm making X, do you want some saving or are you getting food on the way home'.

YABU - What an odd thing on your behalf. So you told your partner immediately that your travel journey is going to be 3 hours longer than your normal working day. Why didnt you just say - as I'm going to be home at 9pm, obvs i don't expect you to cook and wait for me so can you leave me an extra portion out and i will heat it up whenever i get back?

Is this a newish relationship? Honestly don't get hung up on these things. Life is way too short.

But OP wasn’t home anywhere near dinner time and you think the partner still needed to cook for him whether or not she cooked for herself.

So why not leave something that could be heated up? And, you don’t know what their dinner time is. You only know he was home three hours later than normal.

I would presume you’d sort yourself out being that late? Think you’re being a huge tit about this to be honest.

If I was home alone, I'd probably just have something easy like soup and toast for dinner tbh. No cooking required.

Sounds like a lack of communication on both your parts. Maybe she thought you would get something on the way home. A quick "looking forward to seeing you later, I'll be home at x time, what's for dinner?" text would have saved you all this drama.

Even my ds (17) would have checked if I wanted food if it was his night to cook and I was going to be in late. But as others have said, communication is key, and presumably you didn’t mention dinner plans either?