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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

263 replies

BlownItJellyHead · 01/07/2024 15:14

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 03/07/2024 08:23

dudsville · 01/07/2024 17:30

I've certainly learned that it's important to some people for me to ask about holidays, pets, family, but really I do it because it's expected. I also find it extremely biting to be asked these things. This isn't the only way to show an interest in others, and it isn't how I take an interest in others.

But how do you show an interest in others by never asking them a question and only talking about your life?
Surely ‘how are you’ is a question?

TheaBrandt · 03/07/2024 08:41

“How did xs exams go?” They answer / you answer then general chat about exams which could then go anywhere. That’s how normal friend interactions seem to go.

The non questioners would presumably give a monologue about their own child’s exams and leave it there. Isn’t that terribly rude?!

dudsville · 03/07/2024 09:10

Fairyliz · 03/07/2024 08:23

But how do you show an interest in others by never asking them a question and only talking about your life?
Surely ‘how are you’ is a question?

Show quote history

I also don't start conversations about me. It honestly bores me to have these kinds of conversations. I get that it'snecessary as a sort of social glue. I start conversations by asking others what they think about a topic.

Northernladdette · 04/07/2024 11:52

Agree, we recently, along with another couple, met up with some mutual friends. We heard all about their children’s news, including the couple we were with . No one asked about ours 🙄

Chipsahoy · 04/07/2024 11:55

My family are that way and I was raised that way. They don’t believe in prying. We are estranged for other reasons but i had to learn to have conversation as well as many other things they didn’t teach me.
I probably go the other way now and ask plenty to deflect attention from me.

Chipsahoy · 04/07/2024 12:02

BlownItJellyHead · 01/07/2024 17:00

Exactly. I feel terrible that people don't find conversation easy because of dysfunctional childhoods and being told not to be nosy but surely asking "How are you?" or "How was your holiday?" doesn't fall under this umbrella.

Show quote history

My parents never ask how are you even to me?! Well at least when we were still in touch.
It was seen as prying. “What if they are struggling and you upset them” my family are totally incapable of dealing with emotion or feeling.
I always ask people how they are now and I genuinely want to know.

DottyLottieLou · 04/07/2024 12:23

There's plenty of these people around. They are best avoided. They talk at you and don't listen.

Sjh15 · 04/07/2024 12:36

ThoseDarnCrows · 01/07/2024 15:41

Well it seems I am one of 'these people' as you so charmingly put it. As a child , and throughout my life until my fifties I was browbeaten and berated regularly by my parent to 'not be nosy', mind your own business', 'what's it got to do with you' , why do you think they want you to know'....... and on and on and on, until I had no self esteem and was scared stiff of asking anybody anything in case I was judged as that awful nosy person I was constantly told I was.

So no, it is not necessarily the me, me, me scenario, and not because we don't want to know. It's taken me another decade since they have no longer been in my life to believe in myself and actually push myself to ask people those - what are to you - simple questions.

So OP, get off your high horse and actually think about what that non-reciprocal person may actual have gone, or still be going through.

I agree with this. I don’t ask too much about people becuase I was brought up that things just ‘aren’t your business’, so now when I’m asked too much I hate it and give a simple answer and no more!

Itwillbeallwhiteintheend · 04/07/2024 12:47

I'm one of these people! It's not necessarily rude. I just find that often the people who I'd don't ask these questions of, are the people that bombard me with questions, and don't give me time to think...they're also the ones that don't tend to listen to your answers anyway and prefer to add a question to fill a silence!

It can often be rude to ask so many questions!!!

Noseybookworm · 04/07/2024 12:50

You sound quite exhausting actually! 😂 some people are maybe a bit anxious and over think so that they worry about what to ask and how it comes across. Some people are just quieter than others and don't really learn the art of moving the conversation along? If she is your friend, just accept her for who she is. And allow a few silences - it might give her time to process and she might venture a question!

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 12:52

Itwillbeallwhiteintheend · 04/07/2024 12:47

I'm one of these people! It's not necessarily rude. I just find that often the people who I'd don't ask these questions of, are the people that bombard me with questions, and don't give me time to think...they're also the ones that don't tend to listen to your answers anyway and prefer to add a question to fill a silence!

It can often be rude to ask so many questions!!!

If they gave you time to think, do you think you'd ask them questions though?

I think there is definitely a different between not asking reciprocal questions and not being able to get a word in edgeways, OP seems to be talking about someone who is just happy to talk about herself and doesn't ask anything back, ever.

IAmTheQuarry · 04/07/2024 13:30

For those who think it's nosey to ask questions, I think you're getting muddled. It's never ok to ask overly intrusive questions - finances, status, political stance etc ( unless, you know the person really well and have that type of relationship). Asking general questions - is how you get to know someone and actually show you're interested and care. I can't understand why that is difficult to grasp!

ByCupidStunt · 04/07/2024 13:55

IAmTheQuarry · 04/07/2024 13:30

For those who think it's nosey to ask questions, I think you're getting muddled. It's never ok to ask overly intrusive questions - finances, status, political stance etc ( unless, you know the person really well and have that type of relationship). Asking general questions - is how you get to know someone and actually show you're interested and care. I can't understand why that is difficult to grasp!

It's not difficult to grasp . They understand it perfectly well. Fact is, they just wanna talk about themselves CONSTANTLY and use this as an excuse. You can tell who they are just from this thread!

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