to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

@EnglishBluebell no. Or they deliberately seize on something small.

BTW I do have a car disco!!

Someone asked me if my ds was doing OK with a levels and I could instantly sense her waiting to jump in I was able to get one sentence out before she jumped in about her family member gcse for ages.. And that was that!

I know people like this. I don’t think they are ND, just very self absorbed. I’ve known a woman for years and years, I know every aspect of her life, she knows virtually nothing about me. DH was very unwell in hospital and she couldn’t bring herself to even ask how he was.
My BIL is the same, known him 30 years but he barely knows what I do for work. Just monologues about his life and his kids etc.

im going for lunch with a friend tomorrow, I’ll ask questions, she’ll ask questions. Well both offer up information the other would be interested in,
or moan about something. Normal.

The older I get the more I realise so many people have SO much to say. I've always been a good listener so have often felt like a sounding board but I have the confidence now to make sure I get as much of my own chat in as possible, or I stop giving them any time at all.
I seem to know a lot of people who don't have many people in their lives too

Heaven preserve me from the sort of people who don’t throw the ball back, so to speak.
There was once a nightmare pre-Christmas party, where I only knew the hosts, so tried to make conversation with their total-stranger neighbours.

Me (brightly) ‘Are you going away for Christmas?’
Them, like a pair of suet puddings - ‘No’.

Me - ‘Have you finished your Christmas shopping?’
Them: ‘Yes.’
Etc. 😩

I went to quite a few weddings like that when I was younger, @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER.

Painful.

I really struggle with people who don’t ask questions, the answers on this thread are illuminating and I will try to keep them in mind but I have always taken someone who doesn’t ask questions to be supremely disinterested.
there are different contexts of course, with a new person I ask questions and would expect questions back because to my mind that’s how you get to know each other. So if they don’t ask questions I assume they don’t want to get to know me.
with good friends/family I ask about their parents/kids/work etc because I care about how they are and am genuinely interested in the answer.

Oh fuck, didn't expect this thread to have so many responses overnight 😐

So the absolute worst is people who live some distance away and pester me for a zoom call, so we set one up, I ask them how are you, what have you been up to etc and they answer and then don’t reciprocate so we’re just sat staring at each other silently on zoom! So the I start to volunteer information about myself and they just don’t really respond. Then I make my excuses and leave and then three weeks later they’re pestering me for another zoom call…..I don’t get it!

My Dsis and I were discussing our niece who is just like this. Having a conversation can be very exhausting with her.

With these sorts of people I like to just stop talking and see how long it takes them to notice the conversation has dried up. Made for a good few awkward (and singular) first dates.

A conversation should be a tennis rally, some people just hold the bloody ball.

Like a pair of suet puddings 😂😂
I'm stealing that analogy. I love it - so true.

I think we have the same SIL.

Exhausting!

There are two separate things being conflated in so many of these posts: people who don't ask others many questions because it's simply not their way (often for reasons of upbringing, as some posts demonstrate), and people who don't ask others many questions because they lack social antennae, are self-absorbed and prefer to talk about themselves. A lot of people seem to be assuming everyone who doesn't ask others many questions falls into the second category. It's quite offensive tbh, all this 'Oh, don't they drive you mad, all they want to do is bang on about themselves.' Just saying.

Urgh, I think a few of us on here know the same people or else there are a lot of them around! One particular friend of a friend is an absolute arse for this - not remotely interested in anything I have to say/ doesn't ask about my life at all; however to add another layer of annoyance to this - loves to ask extremely intrusive questions regarding my finances. So not bothered about finding out my interests/ hobbies/ holidays/who I am as a person/ likes/ dislikes, but is fine asking about how much money I have! She took me off guard the first few times but I'm prepared nowadays and shut it down with a glib response. Who does that? When I'm in her company nowadays I don't bother with her at all - I used to try and engage in her conversation and try to build a relationship with her, but nowadays I'm all about ' matching the energy' so she gets nowt from me. If she prefers to sit in an awkward silence and receive 1 word replies to her nosey money focused questions, so be it.

I have to kick myself to remember to do it sometimes. When the person I'm talking to is more interesting it comes more naturally to ask them questions.

I felt like after the pandemic I had to work quite hard to get social skills back and found other people such hard work at first (probably as their social skills had also dropped off). It's better now.

Also when I was younger I was more shy of asking other people questions as it felt intrusive and I was more worried about embarrassment or asking the wrong thing. I can well remember those feelings. People often used to say I was quiet or aloof. Perhaps others found me self-absorbed or rude.

I find with people who don't ask questions for 90% of them it is shyness or lack of social conversational skills rather than self-absorption and am kind and patient with people and try to assume the best of them.

Yes but irl you can tell if someone is interested in you, regardless of their conversational style. Even if they’re not asking questions, they might look interested or make a relevant comment that builds on what you’ve just said. That’s ok. What the OP is talking about is people who plainly aren’t interested in others and if the conversation isn’t directly about them they have nothing to say.

I disagree. To me OP's posts aren't displaying much understanding of why some people don't ask questions, even with some possible reasons having been supplied. And I don't agree that you can always tell whether someone is interested in what you are saying. Different people have different communication styles.

I would say most people can tell if their friends are interested in what they’re saying, regardless of conversational style. What are the ways a person might show interest that another person might miss?

Although i agree with you that facial expressions often demonstrate it, some people have relatively expressionless faces but may be listening closely. And although they may not ask questions, they may then respond in a way that does continue the conversation - by suggesting how a problem could be resolved, for example, or with comments such as 'That sounds hard', 'Sounds like a great birthday,' 'Oh, it's beautiful there, isn't it,' (when a place is mentioned) etc etc.

If no reply whatsoever is made, I agree, it can then feel like hard work. But there's a lot of value being placed specifically on questions as a way of showing interest, on this thread, when there are all sorts of other ways, both verbal and non-verbal, to show interest.

It's very simple. You say "So what's going on with you at the moment? /How have you been? / What are you up to?"

I have a friend who never asks me questions, and they only just found out that my mum died when I was a child. Why? Because it's not the kind of thing I'm going to suddenly announce. But if they had noticed that I never mention my mother, and that I have a stepmother, they could have asked me why. Other more considerate friends have done just that. They've asked very tactfully "And is your mum still around?" and then I've been able to open up.

@Marmiteontoastgirlie I wonder if I’m your friend who has been cut out! I had a friend who fired questions at me as though I was at a job interview but she avoided answering anything, it felt to awkward to keep asking. She cut me out and I never found out why. I think the questioning was a power and trust issue.

The trouble with the questions you're asking is that they're fucking boring and, no, I wouldn't be interested in knowing about the reciprocal answers. I really couldn't care less about your work rotas. Or how your Dave is doing.

But...

I'm much more interested in your views on conversation and turn-taking which you are sharing in this thread. Genuinely. The things you are saying here - your opinions and assumptions on a social situation - are much more what I would want to talk to you about than your "reporting" on some boring shit that's happened at your work.

So unless you've got some scandalous or hilarious story to tell me, I'd rather hear what you think than what you'd done.

I have asked her before when it has got too excruciating, and said something like, "you're a bit quiet, is everything okay?" .. "Yes, fine"..

I feel a bit awkward saying anything more, as it is just her way I suppose, and I feel if I question it I'm questioning her personality if you see what I mean? But I do get tired of the one way conversations that we have, especially when it such hard work to even get that out of her, but she seems to get something out of it and I love her so it continues, she will tell me everything she's been doing and problems at work and home etc but she continues to never asks a single thing or reciprocate the conversation in any way.

The funny thing is, if I'm ever down or unhappy or somethings happened, she would be there with flowers or something thoughtful to cheer me up, she's always done that since we were kids, and I do the same for her, but when things are going good or just a level playing field, it's like she just loses all interest.

I wouldn't be interested in knowing about the reciprocal answers.

I'm not sure that's what OP means, (she asks about work, so friend should ask about work etc). It's more that her friend doesn't ask anything, so it doesn't matter what OP thinks about things, she is never getting the opportunity to open up about anything unless she starts randomly babbling broken biscuits about her thoughts and feelings on things without ever being prompted.

I would say most conversations start with a basic question, if you don't ask anything at all you aren't ever prompting a conversation, you are literally just answering questions that someone asks you and then waiting for them to ask you another one when the conversation naturally lulls.. in a reciprocal conversation you would normally take it in turns to prompt each other, with a question, a thought, an observation etc.. some people just don't do that.

So when OP asks about something (work in this instance), and when that conversation naturally reaches it's end, the friend could then lead the conversation to a more interesting topic of her choice, "have you seen that new show on netflix" "have you seen about this current event", or god forbid, ask the OP if her and her family are okay and at least pretend to care about the answer like a good friend should.

Well if you don’t ask them questions and you don’t like them asking you questions do you just walk along in complete silence?