to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

Oh, the irony. You sound pretty self absorbed and rude yourself.

I definitely know what you mean and I used to be the exact same as you and have a real bea in my bonnet about it with some friends. However I then went through a bit of a difficult and embarrassing time a few years ago with my life and mental health, and I suddenly found people asking questions (even inane ones like what did you do this weekend) really annoying and I’ve since completely changed my perspective on this. Basically, questions force the conversation to a particular topic that the person might not want to answer, but it is difficult to avoid because you have asked, so it is uncomfortable and too directive. If you make comments instead, and then leave pauses, it allows the conversation partner to choose what they are comfortable to bring to the table. I try to show my interest and lack of self obsession by my eye contact and facial expression when they do volunteer any stories, but I don’t ask questions generally in a convo. Could it be the person you are thinking of does care about what you say but just prefers not to direct conversations with questions? (That said- trust your gut- some people just are self obsessed.)

I read the beginning of the thread thinking we have a friend in common!
I get where you're coming from, it's natural to me if someone asks about work/partner/pets whatever, that you ask in return.
I have a friend who honestly doesn't come up for air when you meet, it's just a barrage of what's going on for her.
I'm not joking when I say I could meet for an hour and say a handful of words - my eldest child counted once!
Like others have said, it's just different folks!

Yes, this - my mother started early with the death glares if I spoke up in a conversation - even if I were just answering questions that I'd been asked! - and would pull me aside to hiss 'You're embarrassing me!' I got the message it was the height of rudeness to ask 'nosey' questions.

It took until much later to realise she was a narcissist who wanted to be hogging the conversation herself... and even longer to consciously train myself out of it and allow me to ask the questions I wanted. But now I am often the victim of a one-way conversational blast!

I also think there was a generation who DID think it was nosey to ask questions, or who just weren't confident about it, or thought it was 'rude to interrupt', or that 'little girls should be seen and not heard'.

('But I say "OH BONDAGE, UP YOURS!''') (Spot the quote... 😁)

The back and forth is about showing interest in/care for the person you are talking to. Questions are one way to do it but it doesn’t have to be questions. It can be enthusiasm about something the other person brings up, or sensitivity to the fact that a topic seems to be a tricky one, or telling them something you know will interest them. Conversation is an art. There are people (ND and otherwise) who prefer to talk at/past each other, but imo that is not really a conversation.

The topic, nor my response is about engaging with new people, it’s regarding conversations with friends.

I think follow up questions are great for this. You let your conversation partner bring up a topic but show interest by asking a follow up question (instead of immediately bringing the conversation back to your stuff)

It's like this with my dad, I leave knowing everything about his life, every detail of what's going on, I know the name of his work colleagues, what he had for dinner... He learns nothing about me. He sometimes asks me a question and then interrupts me to redirect it back to himself. Or I finally answer and he says nothing, I call them conversation cul de sacs.... So I then have to ask if he's watching anything good on Netflix or another mundane question. It's really tiring and frustrating. I don't get why he isn't more interested in my life. It always hurts.

You misunderstand me, @Spotsorstripesor. My conversations are not one sided but they are not predominantly question based. It's possible to bounce off each other without asking personal questions that might put someone on the spot.

Just to point out, RTFT is actually read the full thread, not fucking thread! 🙄

People seem to have twisted @BlownItJellyHeads post. It's nothing to do with bombarding someone with questions, like the Spanish Inquisition! I interpreted it to be about general back and forth flow of conversation, about whatever is going on in each others lives. When you're chatting to someone you know, that's what usually happens. But there are a lot of people who don't converse like that, it's all one way and it's plain rude. (Past trauma/ND etc aside).
In normal conversation, you don't cherry pick the subjects to talk about! You find someone talking about their family/holiday/next doors dog boring? So what? The conversation moves on usually. You probably discuss things that are boring to them too! It's how talking works!
I've noticed a lot of people on MN jump onto posts like this, immediately offended and confrontational! Or show up, in their sarky comments, that they are exactly the type of person OP is talking about!

No it means read the fucking thread.

https://www.cyberdefinitions.com/definitions/RTFT.html

What Does RTFT Mean in a Text?
home▸sitemap▸search r▸RTFT
RTFT means "Read the F*king Thread" or "Read the F*king Topic."

I have a "friend" like this - she is so busy telling me how amazing her kids are and how glad she is that her husband left her, she jist diesn't have tine to ask how my sister who is going through breast cancer treatment is or my mum who has been very poorly. Just too self absorbed.

@IPoopRainblows Well I was misinformed by another Mumsnetter a long time ago, when I asked, then!
I think I prefer 'full thread' to be honest! 😁

@TitInATrance oh yes to the no talking in the car as I was 'distracting' him even though he never shut up - being the important man that he was'! As for the dinner table, absolutely no talking - or slouching! If I was caught doing that heinous crime I was made to stand up for the rest of the meal with the threat of the broom handle to be pushed down my back through my clothes to straighten me up - he would even bring the broom in from the shed and put it by the wall just to remind me!

So much this. I tend to monologue when I am nervous, then realise I am doing it, get more anxious, convince myself that the other person must hate me, then clam up completely, or realise that I should ask the other person something, not quite get it right because it is forced, and then the conversation grinds to a halt

@BlownItJellyHead You still don't get it do you . Please re-read my previous answer. Understand that those seemingly trite to you 'don't be nosy' etc, etc comments over years and decades are, to a child, teen, adult, an absolute terrorising bombardment of mind control, that utterly re-shapes your thinking.

So until recently no, I was not able to ask anyone about their holiday, pet dog, new dress. I wanted to, I wanted to so much be a part of normal social etiquette, but it physically, mentally, emotionally was not possible. Stop judging.

God op am totally with you! Rude mannerless self absorbed! Three of us spent the afternoon with a friend of a friend at an event recently. We heard her entire life story in minute detail - no details spared. When we took our leave the other two were saying how nice she was - I said - well what does she know about the 3 of us? Absolutely fuck all!

@OkPedro I just don't like people who make generalised sweeping statements without bothering to understand all the facts.
People who try and score points and make it into a joke with their grinning cartoon faces don't come across as particularly intelligent or empathetic either.

I'm interested in where my friends are going on holiday (and why), how their kids are etc. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know. I mean, that's why they're my friends?

It's fascinating (and a bit sad) to hear of all these people who were discouraged from asking questions and therefore from showing interest in other people.

I suppose if you do have someone in your life (like my SIL) who just has no conversation, or if they do, doesn't waste it on you, and you basically like them, it's better to do an activity with them like cook, or see a film or go to a museum or something. At least then you've got an obvious topic (and you shouldn't be talking in a film anyway). I've noticed DH, who is almost certainly autistic, does this to socially interact. There's always a "thing" involved, whether that be a classic car or a football game or a bit of DIY. It works out well for him. He doesn't talk all that much but has a reputation as a great listener and a helpful bloke!

It really is like being hypnotised, isn't it - a blockage set up deep in your behavioural brain. At a formative age you get punished for asking about others about their holiday or their dog or their dress; so when the time comes in adulthood to ask that, you're flinching inside at the expecting kickback.

And you can make the effort to retrain yourself, but it's an exhausting and often unnerving process.

So do you just talk non stop about yourselves then? I was taught the exact opposite- it’s rude to talk about yourself all the time you need to show an interest in others.

I absolutely agree with this. I would say a conversation between friends should flow naturally and organically without having to “invite” a friend to say something. It would be completely natural for example for my friend to talk about her husband and once she’s finished I would probably jump in with a related story about my own marriage/ husband without passively waiting to be asked.
I think when questions need to be used in order to steer the conversation towards a specific topic eg holidays/ work etc it’s usually a sign of a strained conversation in the first place -I would expect this type of conversation with a random colleague at work not a close friend.

I hate people asking me questions, and would answer politely but I don’t ask questions of others much because I don’t like it. I tend to talk to people about what they think about things not their partners training.

This sounds like a perfectly normal and polite conversation to me.
In fact your waiting to be asked a question is weird to me.

I used to be very socially anxious when I was younger and found conversation very difficult. I had no idea how to keep a conversation going, no idea what to ask people. I was so anxious that if someone asked me something like “did you get the bus from the station today?” I never even thought to say “how about you?” Etc etc. It was absolutely not self obsession, I was just frozen with anxiety and awkwardness. I could see people pulling away from me.
Eventually I read some books about and literally taught myself how to talk to people. It was a revelation!
Please don’t assume that everyone who can’t converse easily back and forth, or doesn’t ask questions, is self absorbed.