to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

Me too and I've noticed that my preference is to talk about one topic for longer. I find that people jump in with another question before I've finished what I was saying. Of course I was going to reciprocate but I sometimes don't get a chance.

Some people might be assuming you don't want to talk about yourself and think that's why you're asking questions about them.

Are you sure she's not ND as this is how we communicate. We hate questions because we find them so intrusive so we are actually being polite by not subjecting you to them.

My ILs are like this, in particular my MIL. They’ll respond to questions are but won’t keep the conversation going.
I found it exhausting so did the same as them, that meant there were many long silences. Now when they visit they just repeat the same stories about their neighbours.

My DM drummed it into me not to be nosy. So I learned it was rude to ask questions.

It was only later in life I realised people thought like you that not asking questions is rude!

You could be describing me.

I'm autistic and really struggle to know whether a question is appropriate or not - I don't want to offend and ask the wrong thing, or be boring, or ask something that's not going to lead on to a conversation, so sometimes I find it easier to just talk about stuff I know, or to not say anything at all.

Nice to know I'm being judged even more than I thought, though, especially as you'd never know I was ND to look at me or to have a casual conversation with me.

This in spades. Also, answering loads of questions can be very overwhelming for the other person, so much so that all they can do to ‘keep afloat’ during communicative exchange is provide responses.

Many individuals have language/communication and cognitive needs that are hidden. Just another perspective consider.

Not RTFT but I am kind of on the fence about this.
I ask questions but not loads and they’re rarely “how is your DH” type questions but more “what is your opinion on x,y,z”
I am not good at and do not enjoy small talk. I find it doesn’t really tell me much about the person I am chatting with… but that’s just me.

On the other hand, I think that overuse of social media has caused a trend of people being generally quite self-centred. I have some friends that will go in to the minute detail about what they’ve done that week, including dates, times, the meals they had etc and are waiting for me to ‘like’ it almost. By the time they have finished, sometimes it’s time to go! I usually deal with that by jumping in and asking they how they felt about it or by mentioning maybe a similar situation that I have been in etc etc

I do find that very few people ask me any inciteful questions though. Yes I will get the “how is Dh” type questions but never the “tell me why you like that book you’re reading” type question.

@IdisagreeMrHochhauser so does that mean the OP's friend thinks she is terribly rude?

Me too! (Suspected autism here)
From my observations over the years, conversations that flow well seem to have a mix of asking questions and offering up info. If there's a lull in conversation, I ask the other person a question. So this thread is so confusing! I'm constantly worried about monologuing or talking too much about myself, I never worried about asking questions, surely that's showing you are interested (because I am!)
I have been so worried about monologuing over the years, I get awkward when someone asks me about myself now - I was bullied at school and didn't get the right level of socialisation.
Weirdly, I find conversations with friends a lot harder work sometimes than with strangers.

Isn't that an important social skill though - to notice how the conversation is going and change course if necessary? E.g.

Oh gosh they're clamming up a bit. Great Aunt Rita's will must be a sensitive subject.

They sound a bit sad about missing out on that promotion. Maybe I'll change the subject to Bridgerton. I know they like that.

Hmm, they're finding that bus timetable information awfully interesting. Perhaps I've been talking about Lego too long.

Etc.

I was going to pop up and say I had to learn to do this because I’m ND and it seemed intrusive. But I see you excluded nd people from your op

Possibly. If it were me in that situation, I would probably find it uncomfortable rather than rude. We are conditioned to believe that neurotypical communication styles are the gold standard so we're probably more likely to blame ourselves for getting it wrong than consider the other person rude but it's a good example of how communication styles clash.

There's an autistic woman I follow on TikTok that explains it in a way that I relate to. She describes NT conversations as one where you repeatedly throw the 'ball' to each other so you throw someone a question and expect them to throw it back. ND people don't do this. We prefer to talk about something that interests us and wait for the other person to be ready to take the ball when they feel comfortable to chip in. That way we aren't putting them under pressure to perform on a subject of our choosing and not theirs. Conversations flow but they're structured differently.

To me this makes perfect sense. To someone who's been socialised to throw the ball back and forth, it seems strange.

I had a friend like this. I knew her life inside out - the year we stopped talking I realised that she probably knew nothing about what was going on in my life.

Some people just want to talk about themselves.

Exactly @fieldsofbutterflies, exactly how I feel - and not every silence has to be filled or the air fed with words, the world is already a very noisy and 'busy' place for me and my preference is to spend quiet time, in quiet places with quiet people. And as a private and reserved personality I am uncomfortable with being asked too many questions, and, by default, don't feel comfortable asking too many questions of other people, but can manage reciprocal "how are you's" etc, but it does feel llike vocal ping pong!

I don’t mind being asked questions and I do it myself but I also think that a lot of those reciprocal polite tennis questions are quite boring and I don’t think the answers shed much light on someone.

How many people give a really deep or honest answer to the question: “How was your weekend?” Or “Did you have a good Christmas?” It’s a perfectly normal way to break the ice with someone but not a very good way to get to the heart of what makes them tick.

I have close girlfriends about whose Christmases and summer holidays I know very little. I am not particularly interested in getting polite, formulaic and not terribly honest answers. I will very happily play the game if I have to but to me it’s superficial and dull so I won’t dwell on it.

The stuff that’s really interesting about people is the stuff you only get to know about them when you get past “how was your weekend?”

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't be friends or in a relationship with someone like that. If it was someone I had to have interaction with- eg co worker, I would get the stage of friendly but limited interaction.

In all honesty I only ask questions if I am interested in the answer. If I hardly know you then I really don't care where you're going on holiday this summer or how your kids are. But I don't understand why people who I hardly know ask me those sort of questions either. I think "you're not actually interested, you're just trying to seem nice". I find it very insincere.

I don't only ever talk about myself and I have no problem with understanding the concept of taking turns in conversations. Most conversations I have with people flow naturally just fine. I just don't ask boring questions to be polite.

@MeadStMary

In all honesty I only ask questions if I am interested in the answer. If I hardly know you then I really don't care where you're going on holiday this summer or how your kids are. But I don't understand why people who I hardly know ask me those sort of questions either. I think "you're not actually interested, you're just trying to seem nice". I find it very insincere.

Exactly! No one, deep down, is interested in someone else’s holiday plans . It’s a perfectly adequate icebreaker but if people never get beyond that it tends to suggest they are dull or a bit stupid.

It's a lack of basic social skills and bad manners. I can't be bothered with people who can't be bothered to learn some manners. They generally don't have many friends, I've noticed.

They are just totally self absorbed and pretend that it's rude to ask someone something. Twats.

Nothing wrong with expecting a friend to reciprocate with some interest in your life, OP. I had a similar friend who I knew for many years but is an ex-friend now as they had the same sort of self-absorbed approach in conversations.

I hate being bombarded with questions. And I hate asking for the sake of it. It can be like an interrogation.

Good friends won't ask too much but will volunteer stuff or make observations - and maybe be sensitive to the other person's communication style.

So OP, in your example - you've asked about her partner, she answers - make an observation - add a story or an amusing anecdote, make her laugh, exchange a snippet, "Dave's having the same trouble/ Dave's said that's why he wants a holiday" or "Good I'm glad to hear all's well. On another subject I was on the bus last week and....." Or "The labour candidate canvassed me outside Tesco yesterday and do you know what he said??" Or "Look at those flowerbeds - I've never been able to grow begonias" It doesn't have to be a job interview or like speed dating!

actually a more natural flow of a conversation is when someone asks some questions AND shares something about themselves / conversation topic.

otherwise it is just a mutual interview or interrogation with a rigid order

There are some people who constantly ASK questions that I find weird immediately asking them a question back. If you find yourself in this situation maybe stop asking questions and lets just conversation to flow more naturally

Ok it depends. If we've just met and you're asking me generic personal questions like it's an interview then I hate it. Just talk more about situational stuff in the future, as in about whatever you're doing.

They're not coming across that way to me.