to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

To be honest i do think the problem is you here. If you felt during the course of the conversation that it was one sided, then you could have stopped asking her questions. You could have waited for her to finish speaking and then just speak about yourself or change the subject. It’s weird that you felt the other person was being rude but you continued to do what was causing you upset…which was to keep asking her questions?

I have been in those situations where people keep asking me questions, how would I know that they secretly want me to ask them questions?

plus any relationship there’s going to be give and take, sometimes you’ll be there for some people and other times they’ll be there for you. Eg just say I went though a huge breakup, perhaps conversations with friends might be mainly about me and my personal issues, but on other occasions it is all about them, and on other occasions it’s just balanced.

Ahh! The art of conversation and the art of being comfortable with those small pockets of silence.

The secret is not in the questions you ask but how well you show the person you are listening.

I find it easy being with people and conversation naturally flows but when I’m with those people where it doesn’t I tend to take that as an indication of us not being compatible. When I’m not at work (in a job where conversation is the focus) then I prefer to be with people who don’t ask lots of questions of me but, like a previous poster mentioned, conversation is more organic (natural).

It’s funny how different we all are isn’t it? I prefer people who message to tell me they just trusted a fart and followed through to the ones who text “Hey! How’s life?”

This is an interesting question. I had it drummed into me not to ask questions and therefore I find it hard to make small talk and ask questions naturally... My eldest child is in reception class and is (thankfully) wonderfully confident. I think most children are naturally inquisitive and ask their friends questions, so I don't need to encourage, as such, because he does it anyway... although I will sometimes prompt him to ask further/reciprocal questions. For some reason it seems easier to aid my child rather than to do it myself... (easier subject matters and less potential to offend, perhaps)?!

The only times I suggest it's not OK to ask questions is if they might be rude/inappropriate, but that's currently a rare occurrence.

I do worry that modelling conversational skills with strangers/acquaintances is going to get harder as he gets older, but I'm hoping that it'll be counterbalanced by the fact he won't have had his natural instincts beaten out of him... and I'm trying to work on my own skills and get out of my comfort zone (parenting seems to be throwing me into the deep end with that!), so hopefully it'll all come together...

I'm ND and I ask more reciprocal questions than my NT acquaintances. I think most people only want to talk about themselves these days.

Yes I have family like this.They are very narcissistic though, they think the world revolves around them.

I get that it's frustrating to feel the other person is less interested in you than you are in them, but you are being quite judgemental, OP. Not everyone is wired the same. Not everyone has learned to socialise to the same expert level that you have. Be a bit more forgiving and if someone doesn't interest you/ isn't fulfilling your high standards of social etiquette, you can just move on.

I have a friend like this, an ex work colleague who calls me weekly and off loads all her problems onto me. Never asks how I am, what’s going on in my life. It’s just selfish rather than not having good conversation skills imo

I think I’m a bit like this. I like talking about “things” but never instinctively get into conversations about people’s lives, what they did at the weekend etc.

I prefer a conversation to flow along the lines of sharing thoughts, ideas and discussing things you have seen or heard about, rather than direct questions. That feels more natural to me.
Asking questions would be something people who don't really know me would do, and I would feel awkward doing it back.
You don't have to be talking all the time, enjoying a walk or coffee together and people watching can bring about natural conversation and observations.

Ridiculous

I met people like this - I even have relatives who are like this - and, ultimately, they are just not interested. And, on top of this, they are not bothered that they are showing that they are not interested. Its either natural lack of politeness or, more worryingly, deliberate behaviour where your opponent thinks you are not worth being polite with, not worth the effort.

Whatever people say on here, its always polite to ask people questions about themselves, not interrogate, but show interest and engagement. Its such a basic thing, I'm surprised many posters come up with all sorts of justifications for not asking their friends about their lives etc in conversation. So weird.

Hopefully you can teach your own children better social skills? My mother taught us was excruciating at the time but actually very grateful. She’s a master at it - the most popular woman I’ve ever met.

Dd2 is very like my mum and I see now dd2 is a teen how life enhancing it is. She is extremely popular and her friends parents love her - she is the one invited by them for weekends away / fancy trips even long haul holidays. All because she is lovely to have around. Such a valuable skill.

@sandyhappypeople I enjoyed your post. It was very well described. I suffer the same with SIL. When I see her, we've driven hundreds of miles to be there and won't have seen each other for several months. She doesn't even say hello, generally!

What do you think would happen if you said to your sister, "You asked to come round but you don't seem to have anything to say. What's up with that?"

Asking closed rather than open questions can be a habit I think, and I'm not sure everyone knows the difference. I don't think it's easy to do much about that, but it's lazy to leave all the conversational heavy lifting to the other person every time.

Do you expect them to lurch into disclosing that their parent died/their house burned down/their husband ran off, with no promoting, or do you hope to find out anything significant from third parties? Or don't you care?!

YES! For Christ's sake YES! I expect my friends to tell me if their parent has died, or their house has burnt down, or their husband has run off, without being prompted!

Any normal friend would let you know those things. Anyone who sits stewing and waiting to be asked before disclosing massive life events has a total lack of normal communication skills.

I would suggest though that if they don’t ask questions and just monologue for ages and have that general me me me thing then that’s not someone who has trauma/worried about answering questions. They are just very very self absorbed.

Those were deliberately ridiculous examples.

To make the point that if you don't show any interest, they'll give up telling you important things.

Don’t you find that “I’ve asked about X so now you need to ask about X” very fake? It’s so transactional. Done out of social politeness rather than actual interest and care.

I have no doubt that there are some people who don’t show any interest in your life, who just monologue about themselves. Yes, that’s rude. You don’t need to be friends with them.

But some people on this thread (interestingly, the ones who do not identify themselves as ND), seem pretty set on questions = interest. I would suggest that there are a myriad of ways to show interest and care, and if you cannot pick up on those, then it is your social skills which need to be built. Human interactions are complex things.

I’m reminded of the time I got kicked out of a Facebook gifting group for saying “does anyone have x to share? I would be so grateful to you if you did, you would be an absolute lifesaver”, but because I didn’t write “please” I was apparently rude.

I’m not ND and I have to mentally remind myself to do this. I don’t know why it just doesn’t come naturally to me. I wish it did! I’d love to be good at conversation.

You didn't successfully make that point though - you just described someone with pitifully poor social skills.

I had the same. She would sidle up to me in the playground at home time to vent about her day.

I knew her entire life story. She didn't even know my name.
Never asked and there was never a pause in her ramblings for long enough to volunteer 😐

I think for her cut-off friend's sake, I'd be pointing out to her how she gives that impression and that this might be why the friend of hers doesn't ask!

But you're an adult now and should therefore know that paying an interest in other people and their lives, isn't being nosy it's being a friend

I'm not the poster you were responding to, but it's not always easy to turn around a lifelong habit, especially when you're used to dealing with negative or unpleasant consequences for doing something.

You having to clarify this is just typical Mumsnet! An OP mentions that she's asked a couple of questions and posters twist it to mean you're "bombarding" that person with rapid fire questions.
I mentioned on here once that I only listen to music in my car. That got twisted to mean that I transform my car into a mobile disco! 🪩🤦‍♀️🤣
There are a million other examples of this nonsense. Does nobody have proper reading comprehension skills anymore?

Someone at work is like this, when I try and join in conversation I feel nervous because she will cut you off half way and immediately interject with her own thing.

" I went to a beautiful cafe /
Well, I went to a cafe over the weekend and....

It's a pain because if someones else is talking about somethings interesting it's a matter of time before she cuts in and brings it back to her intensely boring stories.

Maybe she does have anxiety but I can't square her nervousness with 5 years solid of talking about herself and her family?