to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

I'm guilty of doing this. I think a lot of it stems from social anxiety... not wanting to put my foot in it.

It's easy to talk about my stuff. I know all about my stuff. When we talk about their stuff, I have to react. And I'm scared of getting that wrong.

Friend: "My mum's not been well recently"
My brain: [frantically thinking what to say]

1. "Oh I'm sure she'll be fine. Try not to worry."
2. "How long has that been going on?"
3. "That sounds difficult. Are you ok?"
4. "I know someone whose mum died of that condition"
5. "What investigations have the doctors done. Tell me in great detail."
6. "There was a documentary on TV the other day about that..."

I increasingly think I'm ND because that can't be normal, can it?! 😂

That’s true and probs harmless but for me still I wouldn’t do that, I feel like the follow up question may still be something I didn’t want to share or else maybe I would’ve included it in my prior answer. I don’t tend to make the convo about me but I prefer to just make comments rather than questions eg I might say stuff like ‘that’s so lucky isn’t it because I remember you saying you were hoping that would happen before!’ Or ‘oh that sounds like a really tough time, hopefully they’ll sort themselves out.’

I think quite honestly that the art of conversation has been lost OP. I also think that it's likely to get worse, as so many youngsters only communicate via text. How many people do you see out for a meal, or in the pub, who seem to have absolutely nothing to say to each other? Hence sit there with heads down gazing into their phones.

When my grandkids were in their early teens, we lived a long distance from them for a while, but they knew us really well, and should have been able to have some sort of conversation with us, but literally just came back with one or two word answers. I think they just hadn't realised that older people expect conversation, so in the end I text things like, 'I wrote you all that, and all I get is 'yeh'??? Maybe a little more information wouldn't kill you? lol'. Thankfully, as they've got older, they can now hold really good conversations, but I truly believe it is something which people need to be taught nowadays.

I know exactly what you mean. And on the rare occasion you do talk about yourself they tune the conversation back to about themselves at the earliest opportunity

I don't like being asked lots of questions about myself and I don't do it to other people

In the transcript you provided I honestly feel like it’s the person asking questions who is making the conversation feel disjointed and awkward and interviewing. I would much rather they made a comment after each reply rather than a question. Like ‘Dave’s training for a marathon atm’ could be met with ‘that is some good dedication!! I admire people who can go jogging so much’, rather than ‘how is the training going?’ I just find the questions are like so specific and directing the conversation too much. What if the training is going awfully and Dave’s been having a breakdown about it but I don’t want to tell you that part, asking ‘and how’s the training going’ Therefore is awkward and I’d rather tell you about what I’m comfortable with. Stupid examples but just to illustrate how comments are better than questions for me ! :)

I reckon option 3 is the best reply :)

Or perhaps the art of the conversation is simply shifting and evolving such as most things in life and there isn’t a golden standard anymore ( that happens to be the one you adopted). If you are really that skilled in the “art” then you should have the skills to sustain the conversation regardless of whether it’s following your chosen pattern.

I worry I don't ask enough questions during conversations but it really doesn't come naturally as I was also bought up to assume people will not wish to talk to me or want me to know anything about them, both my patents have appalling social skills. It's difficult for some people.

I have a friend who always asks me about myself and I find it easy to answer her as she's lovely and i suppose I've always felt few people ever want to get to know me since being left out and ignored / bullied at school.

This. It wasnt until I came onto mumset that I'm guilty of this because I don't want to appear rude or intrusive. I didn't twig until I met one friend who did bombard me with 20 questions but then didn't respond with any of ger own information that I then realised she then expected me to ask questions back rather than just the conversation flowing or just telling g me how they felt

Surely if you ask someone about their holiday and they tell you then you tell them about your holiday.

I also didn't realise I was being rude when I related a situation I had been through to something someone was telling me. On mumset its considered very rude but my friend says it my way of empathising and showing I understand (all my kids diagnosed adhd and this can be a trait apparently)

MN is a really strange place sometimes.

@Compash Totally and absolutely this. And if this happened to you too, then I'm so sorry you went through it.

I would blurt all these out probably in a ra dom order 😳

I have a a close family member who does this. I have asked them before and their answer is they feel it’s nosy to ask and if someone wants to share the info they will happily listen and are interested.
My teen is the same, I’m always reminding them if someone asks how you are remember to be polite and ask back not just say I’m good thanks it’s a work in progress 😂

I'm very probably autistic.. but I'd assume some NT people do the same thing as lots of autistic people and just take conversation at face value. Answering questions they are asked and assuming if the other person wants to volunteer information about themselves then they will do so.
I have to remind myself to ask questions.. not because I'm not interested in other people's lives abd opinions but just gecause I don't always remember that people want you to do that in order to say what they want to say.
I would just say what I wanted to say whether I was asked or not. And if I am asked a question I'd just answer it and not view it as some kind of secret code to try abd get me to say something that the other person wanted ne to say in order for them to say something they wanted to say.

I'm totally with you. In a two-way situation, it just seems polite to realise when you've been talking for a long time and 'pass the baton' by asking the other person a question. Similarly, in a group situation, some (shyer/quieter) people find it hard to enter a conversation where other (outgoing) people are happy to take the stage. It just seems polite to notice this and make space for them to speak by directly asking them a question.

I totally understand OP, and am surprised how many people are suggesting that it's OK or that you're the problem. I have a friend who does this to me all the time. We meet up, she monologues in a way that makes it impossible for me to chip in with much more than a few words, and then it's time to go. No questions about me at all. I find it incredibly hurtful as it feels like I'm just a pair of ears and she doesn't care what's going on for me or value me or my opinions in any way. I don't have this same relationship with other friends so I don't think it's my conversational style that's at fault. I think some people are just like this and - judging by the answers on this thread - don't realise how hurtful it can be

I think that's a separate issue when someone talks on and on energetically

Yeah, so that's a naturally flowing conversation. That's a true friend. I can't abide small talk, and I have a family member who doesn't converse like that. You have to ask questions. They answer them with nothing reciprocal. Conversation is like pulling teeth. I don't bother seeing them.

It's not you OP, my person in my life like this is my sister! I know EXACTLY what you mean and it baffles the shit out of me too if I'm being honest, I think some people on here don't really understand because they don't know one personally.

With most people I have this back and forth sparring type conversational style, I find it pretty effortless, I listen more to the talky ones and talk more on the listeny ones, but with her I really struggle at times, I end up having to ask questions because normal conversation style talking doesn't really work, she tends to answer in 'closed off' replies which don't lead to any further topics..

How's so and so (her DH, kids, pets etc)?
"They're fine" ..
big pause...
Did you see that thing on TV last night?
"no didn't see it" ..
Have you got any plans for your birthday (upcoming)?
"not really" ..

There is ample opportunity if she doesn't want to talk about herself to ask me about my life, current events, news, politics, music, films, hobbies, DH, kids, pets, job, holidays, there's nothing I wouldn't have a conversation about.. but she doesn't ask a single thing, it seems to the casual observer that she just isn't interested..

So I'll sometimes say something like 'one of the kids is having a difficult time with something" and she will not engage in it, she'll answer quite dismissively like, "I'm sure they'll grow out of it eventually" etc.

I did an experiment a little while back, she wanted to pop round to see me, so I decided to let her do the talking.. and she just didn't talk, I shit you not we sat in virtual silence for an hour.. not once did she ask me a singles question to get the ball rolling on a conversation.. not once!! I had to give in eventually as the cringe became too great.. I still don't understand it, I just accept it now, but I often feel exhausted after she's gone.

So all those people saying 'you talk to much' 'you bombard with questions' .. it's not necessarily that, it's just hard having one way conversations all the time and having to carry the load.

To those that had it ‘drummed into them’ not to ask questions - are you teaching your own children that? Or do you encourage them to ask about other people?

I don't ask questions because a) I'm really not interested in anyone else and b) if they want me know they'll tell me. People are exhausting 😁

But you're an adult now and should therefore know that paying an interest in other people and their lives, isn't being nosy it's being a friend!

I'm in a similar position. I wasn't told off as such, but had to listen to my mother complaining that people were nosy for indicating interest in her life and asking questions. I therefore learnt, at a very young age, that you shouldn't ask questions if you want people to like you...

As a result, as an adult, I have very poor small talk skills and asking questions doesn't come naturally unless someone is a very close friend (and funnily enough, I have few close friends because getting over the small talk hurdle is hard).

It's frustrating because I frequently meet people through work/school/baby groups who have amazing confidence and conversation skills and I'd love to learn how to do the same, however simply trying to mimic them doesn't work as the instinct to shy away from asking questions is too great. I feel as though I could do with a conversation skills course!

Edit to add... I do force myself to try, however it's very consciously formulaic (repeating the same question asked of me, or asking something incredibly boring) vs. being instinctive... I feel as though others just do it, rather than (over)think about it?