to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

Absolutely this, along with “nobody’s looking at you”, “don’t show off”. Talking in the car or at the dinner table was forbidden.

Some people, maybe you are one of them OP 😁🫣, think it is the height of good manners to treat a conversation as an interview, firing question after question

I find these kind of conversations exhausting

I like random conversations about random topics, or for conversation to flow naturally, not a line of questions

I also would not want to be asked about my new rota shift 😁

I find that when they're people I know really well, there's no need to ask about their kids or DHs. It might come up in conversation, and then we move on. We talk about other stuff. So don't be sad on my account.

I get where you are coming from op, because I find a lot of people to be like this. I could ask “how was your holiday” for example and I will get a 40 monologue. That’s fine, I’m genuinely interested. But, they know I’ve just come back from holiday and they won’t ask how mine was? I know people that I could genuinely describe in intimate detail their entire lives, but they don’t know a thing about me! And if I do try and say anything about me, they turn it back to them. It is NOT uncommon! I don’t spend much time with these people now, for obvious reasons.

@RamonaRamirez As I clarified, I don't fire question after question, just make polite conversation. I asked about the rota because she was very specifically sounding off about it a couple of days earlier. I don't just randomly start asking people about their work rotas. Obviously.

I fall under your umbrella of “people who don’t ask questions”. I too had it drummed in to me as a child that asking questions was intrusive and impolite (and being impolite was absolutely the worst thing I could do). I now have to really push and remind myself to ask questions, and often walk away from a conversation and think “oh crap, I totally forgot to reciprocate and ask how her husband is, I hope she doesn’t think I’m totally rude.” I also try to think back and remember something they’ve said before to show active interest - how’s the new job, how’s x getting on with his new piano class, etc. But sometimes I forget. Judging by your posts, maybe people do think I’m totally rude.

Id also counsel against a sweeping statement of “I’m not talking about people who are ND”. I’m pretty sure I’m ND, I’ve never mentioned it to anyone. Would you know if you were my friend? Possibly, possibly not.

Im much more comfortable in a conversation which flows without loads of questions - someone brings up their view on a topic, you give your view, maybe an example from your life, that prompts someone else, and on and on. Whatever we’re talking about, I’m interested in your views and experiences, I just might forget to ask you outright.

I agree OP and over time I filter them out, however justifiable the reason may be doesn’t alter the fact that it’s one sided and can become dull same as people who talk about themselves and won’t spend more than a few word’s talking about your stuff

My boss is like this. Drones on constantly about herself. Can talk for hours. So boring.

Occasionally she'll remember social norms and will reciprocate.

I get you OP.

Have SIL just like that, it's exhausting. I stopped making any effort to see her now as it was always just about her. I would listen to her for hours but she never asked me anything and if I spoke about me she wouldn't even last a few minutes before changing the subject/leaving to do something etc.

But then you should be able to understand that others find it equally awkward to ask questions about your private life? It's the same opposite of the spectrum really.

There isn't ONE way to lead a conversation.
I manage conversations by volunteering information based on what the other person is telling me, if on top of this they are probing me on details I haven't volunteered then indeed we can easily spend 3h talking about me.
That's not what I want at all! I do get that it comes across as rude, so I try to adapt but it is difficult and I have to make an effort to remind myself to reciprocate the question (but that's usually followed by another series of questions about me!).

I think it cuts both ways though, they may feel you are very inquisitive but tell them nothing about yourself. I am sometimes surprised at the questions people will ask, because my background would be more to share information about yourself and listen if they reciprocate, but not put them on the spot.

Obviously if they don't let you get a word in or yawn when you are talking, you should drop them. But have you tried just telling them what is going on in your life and volunteering information that hasn't been directly asked for?

I have to consciously think to ask questions. It doesn't come naturally, but I do do it.
There was a character in "Here we go" called Uncle Boyd who they called Void as talking to him was like talking into a void as he'd never ask question back.
Eg. Ella went to Sweden this Summer
Void : I went to Norway etc

I've had this. One of the mums from primary, who was always at all the mum's do's, never ever asked me how ds2 was. In the end I just avoided her.

I had a very emotionally abusive childhood and I'm kind of weird as a result. I'm really guarded and don't like people asking me questions so I don't tend to ask others too many questions either. I get that it might make me 'hard work' as mumsnet like to say but childhood abuse can rewire your brain and I'm trying not to be hard on the adult that is formed me into. I'm nearly 40 and am who I am at this stage.

Don't you tell people things about yourself op? Or do you always wait to be asked?

You can fill a lull in conversation with a comment or opinion or annecdote or really anything. It doesn't always have to be back and forth question and answer.

@TheYearOfSmallThings But have you tried just telling them what is going on in your life and volunteering information that hasn't been directly asked for?

Like PP said, its quite hard to do that in the flow of a normal conversation and actually quite passive aggressive. Like [abridged version]:
Me: How's Alan?
Jane: He's alright. He's training for a marathon at the minute so I'm not seeing much of him.
Me: How's the training going?
Jane: It's okay. He's building up the distance every day. The marathon's in November so he's got plenty of time.
[Silence]
Me: My Dave's doing okay. He's away with work next week.

I have found this too, OP. I'm thinking in particular of people who love to answer the questions and will talk for ages with enjoyment, but won't say, "How about you?"

I can understand people who grew up being told asking questions is rude, but surely nobody thinks "Did you have a good holiday last week?" is a rude question.

Only on MN could 'organic conversations' be a thing.

Those people are self-centred fuckers. My brother is like it. He isn't interested in me, my life or family. He only ever wants to talk about how lonely he feels (is it any wonder) and how anything affects him - his wife is currently in hospital (been there almost a week) but he hasn't yet been to visit because it will make him sad...........

Exactly. I feel terrible that people don't find conversation easy because of dysfunctional childhoods and being told not to be nosy but surely asking "How are you?" or "How was your holiday?" doesn't fall under this umbrella.

I am the same I find it exhausting and boring and feels like I’m being interviewed when bombarded with questions mainly because my life is quite vanilla and so the responses are usually ‘grand’ ‘alls good’, ‘alls fine’ blah blah.
With close friends we usually dive into gossip or plans for a night out, weekend away etc.

If I’m aware they or a loved one has recently been unwell or sat an important exams or they’ve been on a holiday for example, I will enquire after them / that but tend to avoid back and forth how’s such and such conversations.
Thankfully my friends are mostly the same so after the cursory ‘ how’s the gang’ opening question we move swiftly on to more important things to chat about.

Of course but only where its natural off the back of what they've said. This kind of conversation structure doesn't really give space for equitably sharing information or chatting though.

Me: How's Alan?
Jane: He's alright. He's training for a marathon at the minute so I'm not seeing much of him.
Me: How's the training going?
Jane: It's okay. He's building up the distance every day. The marathon's in November so he's got plenty of time.
[Silence]
Me: My Dave's doing okay. He's away with work next week. That's great for him but must be difficult for you. I am not seeing much of Dave either, he's working a lot and going away for work next week.

[Edit: not saying this is what you should respond, but that's how I would]

I would have interpreted that as them not wanting to exchange personal information and id have switched to more general shit about TV or the weather or something instead of carrying on asking them personal questions