to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

They are so ‘Me! Me! Me!’ they feel everything should be about them. it doesn’t occur to them that anybody else does anything interesting enough that they want to hear about.

I know exactly what you mean, it seems really odd to me too!
I have a friend like this, my questions get answered fully, but then nothing follows on from that to ask about me and keep the conversation flowing!
I find it more exhausting than having a natural conversation, as I'm always having to find things to say and also feel nosey for asking questions so much!

Try having more organic conversations where you aren't bombarding her with questions. I take you aren't Magnus Magnusson?

@GalileoHumpkins What do you mean by 'organic conversations'?

I was talking about this with someone the other day.

I have more than one set of friends where there are a couple of people who dominate the conversation and we get every in and out. I ask questions, I engage etc.

And then it dawned on me that I'm rarely asked what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. Made me feel pretty sad.

Well it seems I am one of 'these people' as you so charmingly put it. As a child , and throughout my life until my fifties I was browbeaten and berated regularly by my parent to 'not be nosy', mind your own business', 'what's it got to do with you' , why do you think they want you to know'....... and on and on and on, until I had no self esteem and was scared stiff of asking anybody anything in case I was judged as that awful nosy person I was constantly told I was.

So no, it is not necessarily the me, me, me scenario, and not because we don't want to know. It's taken me another decade since they have no longer been in my life to believe in myself and actually push myself to ask people those - what are to you - simple questions.

So OP, get off your high horse and actually think about what that non-reciprocal person may actual have gone, or still be going through.

You could be describing me. I hate answering questions about myself/my Dch but I do it to be polite. I'm not really interested in your kids/pets/whatever and only ask if I remember, again to be polite. I'm interested in what people think about interesting stuff and things that make me/them laugh. My opening is usually "On Mumsnet the other day,...".😄

I sometimes find I fail in this. If there is a lull in the conversation, then I will certainly ask questions. But sometimes friends are just too quick for me! They will be in with the next question before I get a chance. While I am answering a question, I am giving all my attention to a thoughtful answer, not thinking ahead to my question. I don't think I'm really self-centred or uninterested, just a bit slow in conversation compared to some people!

You may not know the person you are conversing with is ND. Reflexive questions are definitely not instinctual for many of us. We still pass as NT for the most part.

My DP doesn't really ask questions as is someone who is very chatty and volunteers lots of information so assumes that people will just share stuff. Is definitely interested

I thought most people did this as that has been my experience so far. But maybe I was just unlucky to be meeting mainly self-absorbed people. I'm always the one who listens but rarely I meet someone who actually wants to listen too.

I have a friend who asks tonnes of questions and will give a really brief answer if you ask her anything and then immediately deflect with another question. She gives a very strong impression that she doesn’t want to be asked much, I have to really weasel information out of her. She has decided to cut off one of our friends because said friend “never bothers to ask her a question”. In my opinion said friend is just picking up on her vibe and doesn’t have time to formulate a question because she’s always answering them!

Another alternative is sometimes people just expect you to volunteer stories and information rather than sit there politely/passive aggressively waiting to be asked a question like my friend does.

As long as the other person is actively listening to you when you speak and showing an interest, laughing at anecdotes etc then I don’t think “asking questions” is necessary, you should both ideally just organically share what you want to and feel heard and appreciated.

You are not interested in your friends lives? I find that sad.

Some posts here are proving my point though - that even if you're not all that interested or not that quick off the mark, most people will still ask questions just to be polite or to find out what makes people tick.

It's just people who let silences hang when there's a clear opening for a reciprocal question that I just don't get. As I said, in cases where there are no ND issues, no childhood trauma, no acute problems going on.

Like yesterday, I asked my friend about her partner and followed-up with questions about particular things she was talking about. So she talked about him for maybe five or ten minutes. Absolutely fine. Then silence. Nothing. We just walked in silence for a good few minutes.

Surely it's just polite to ask "And how's your other half?" even if you're not all that interested. It'd have been really fucking weird - and probably pretty passive aggressive - for me to just jump in with "My Dave's okay" unprompted.

That's sounds like me, but I'm glad my friends aren't as judgemental as you.

Generally, I find it difficult/uncomfortable to quizz people about their private life, so with colleagues for instance if they don't volunteer the information I would rarely ask. Or I would ask very generic questions which aren't good conversation starters apparently.

With some friends I find that I'm bombarded with questions and by the time I have answered them all, there is no time left. I try to reciprocate but it's sometime difficult to find space to speak.

Honestly I generally don't have that issue with people who don't ask about every single detail of my private life. Surely there is a way you can rebound on what your friend is saying to redirect the conversation to you?

Some people have better social skills than others.

Some are self absorbed.

Some are shy

Some people don't really want to talk to you or aren't interested in you

Then there are those who are ND or hand things on their mind that you've already excuse.

Artists are the worst culprits for this. All my artist friends only talk about themselves and never reciprocate my questions.

I find being asked questions exhausting.

I wouldn’t do that to someone else.

If people want to tell me things then they will. I don’t need to interview them.

Some people like to share, some people are private. It’s not up to me to pride information from them.

I've dumped friends that do this, and then actually have the audacity to interrupt me, when I attempt to speak about myself. I say that, my mil is exactly like this

I was going to say that not everyone is that interested in you (speaking in general) but I guess it is a bit weird if she’s a friend. That said even if she is a friend she’s not necessarily going to ask after your husband if she’s not friends with him too. It depends how often you see her as well.

It's actually really awkward to suddenly shift a conversation to be about yourself. If we've been talking about the other person for hours, I don't know how I can suddenly say "so anyway, about me...". You wait for the other person to turn the topic around to include you.

Just for clarity, I absolutely don't bombard people with questions 😅😅

Yesterday, me and my friend were together for about three hours. Just the two of us. It absolutely wasn't me firing question-after-question at her.

For example, in the OP when I said that I asked about her work I meant that I asked two completely normal, just polite questions: "How's work going?" and then, after she'd talked about work for a while, "How's the rota change panning out?" I wasn't bombarding her with work-related questions. Ditto the other topics we talked about too.

Interrupting is classic ADHD, as is talking about yourself, at speed, to make sure you don't forget the very important thing.

My DH has now done so much training at work on sensitivity, unconscious bias, micro-aggressions, etc, that he's terrified of asking anyone anything ever, at least in the workplace or casual acquaintances. Can't ask people whether they have kids - hurtful to people who might be having fertility problems. Can't ask people about where they went / are going on holiday - might be seen as making remarks about their financial standing or, worse, their ethnic background. Can't ask people if they had a good Christmas or Easter break - what if they follow a different religion? Can't ask people what they did on the weekend - invasion of their privacy. He will happily discuss any of these these things, but only if th le other person volunteers the information first.