To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

The funeral isn’t really for the dead person, is it? It’s for the the people missing the person who died.

If you subscribe to that point of view, maybe it’s worth leaving it up to your family whether there’s a service/wake or anything.

My mother didn't want a funeral.

When she died we, her children and widower, did. So we had one.

I think funerals are for the living and I've found them really useful as a fixed point for the grief after a whole series of big bereavements. Most have involved a low key ceremony at the crem and then a big tea party somewhere nice. But even no frills is expensive these days - you know you are an adult when you have been coffin shopping.

An old school friend of mine passed away a few years ago from breast cancer. She had no funeral service and arranged for her ashes to be scattered in a farm field that she arranged privately with a local farmer.

If it's your wish then it's up to you I think.

I have no idea who would be mourn for me so the chances are I won't have a funeral unless it's one of those council ones. Although most likely the budget won't stretch to those anymore so my body will likelt be cremated and my ashes sent to the local tip.

I know someone whose grandmother recently died and said very clearly that she didn't want any kind of funeral, so they haven't had one for her. My friend wishes they could have one as she's finding grieving really tough. I don't see what difference it makes to the grandmother now that she's not here anymore.

We have planned this too. And frankly, if one of us dies whilst we still have dependent children our family is going to need as many savings as possible with only one wage coming in, instead of wasting it on a (imo) pointless service.

I don't attend funerals anyway. I certainly don't want my own. Direct cremation for me!

Direct cremations are pretty common nowadays, I'm surprised neither you or your friend have heard of them. I have a family member who choose to have one and talking about the subject at work a while back quite a few people said they were planning on doing it too

I don't think it's weird. My mum died recently. We didn't have a funeral as such but as she was religious she did end up asking for a little something. She chose to have a direct cremation and then a month or so later we had a small gathering of her friends/family, read some poems and celebrated her. It was lovely. Also several grand cheaper than the bells and whistles funeral and she didn't want us to waste what little money had to gift us. The funeral director said it's really not that unusual to not have a traditional funeral now and many people are opting for this.

I want one like the one I did for my DF, it was called a simple service. A cremation with a short 20 minute service before, I booked an officiant and chose three pieces of music and a poem. I’m sure he would have loved the music choices, and it wouldn’t have wanted a big fuss. It was just after 2nd lockdown so I couldn’t arrange a wake, even a cup of tea afterwards would have been nice . So I’d like a little do after mine, not a big boozy affair, tea and cake would be good.

How much does a funeral cost roughly? And a cremation. Does anyone know?

But you'll be dead, what does it matter to you what happens, you won't know?

Recent funeral cost us 6 grand and that keeping costs massively down

Thanks for all the replies. It's reassuring to hear that many people have the same thoughts as I do about it. And just to be clear, I absolutely do not object to anyone celebrating my life or seeking closure in some way, what I object to is the concept of an actual funeral...loads of people gathering around to look at a dead person in a coffin, singing songs, the slow drive down the road etc. it all just feels weird and wrong to me. Not to mention the financial burden a funeral can put on the deceased person's family as well. But in the same breath, I respect anyone who does it for their loved ones. It's just my personal feelings about it.

My preference is a direct cremation, no service.

I can afford the full works but it’s a colossal waste of money. Much more useful ways for it to be spent.

I don’t think it’s weird and don’t be having one. I hate the idea of a load of distant family that I’m not close and aren’t actually upset, turning up to talk bullshit, when my close family and friends would be genuinely struggling and upset. I know those that matter will support each other and a funeral isn’t needed for that.

Agreed. I'd rather my son have that money

I don't want one either. I think they're awful and the thought of one for me makes me cringe. I've told the kids (only half in jest) to refuse to collect me from the morgue and make the council pay for a paupers funeral. I plan to set up a direct cremation plan when funds allow. Ultimately I'll be dead and they can do what they want, I'll be none the wiser.

This reminds me of an old but good joke

An elderly couple are sat on a bench in the park and the wife asks her husband
Do you want to be buried or cremated?
He replies
I don't know love, surprise me

I don't plan a funeral either. What is the point in making my friends sit through that and wasting money? I have it in my will and agreed with my executor to just cremate me as cheaply as possible and scatter me together with all my old cats, dogs and horses ashes (currently in my wardrobe in caskets so they are still safe with me) up on the hill overlooking my horses favourite fields in the forest where we had so many happy rides together.

I agree, I hate attending funerals, been to so many over the years. I find it traumatic and would not want to put my closest family and friends through that. I know I am loved, I don’t need an elaborate funeral to prove it.

I'm not having one. Direct cremation sorted and family know about it. Hopefully won't die for at least 15 years but everything in place.
I loathe traditional funerals.

I don't think it's that unusual both my dh, step dad and dad has a direct cremation
I think that's what I would want simple and no fuss.

We walked by a removal the other day but everyone at it was chatting, hugging and laughing. When my dad died I hated seeing that sort of thing because I felt it was so alien to the hell I was in but then seeing that as an older person I appreciated the bringing of people together. I don’t know, it’s hard to know

Yanbu. I don't want one either. Dh and 4 of the dc are autistic so they would much rather no funeral. If my in-laws outlive me they will make it all about them and my choices of music etc will be ignored. I'd much rather not bother.

After my father in law's death last year and a run of elderly relatives passing away in recent times, I've decided not to have a funeral. They are flipping horrible. Impersonal too. I'd much rather leave a bunch of cash at my local pub and let people have a party with it.

I wouldn't even say funerals are for the living. Both my parents are alive, and I'm dreading their funerals. Awful, awful things.