To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

Weird one, but you might want to check this. My great aunt donated her body to science. We still had to choose a buriel/ cremation and so we ended up having 2 funerals really (thanksgiving for life and funeral 2 years later). Both were joyful/ lovely days though.

It's not for you though, it's for the friends and relatives you've left behind to remember you and pay their respects. So while I personally wouldn't care about being shoved the furnace and no funeral, I can't imagine being happy to do this for any of my nearest and dearest.

For some reason this has been on my mind recently, I'm an Atheist so the whole church thing would be ridiculous so I'd "like" a funeral home but only for my family & friends to say goodbye with a few prayers thrown in for my aunties sake & then a cremation, the idea of a priest who's never met me or doesn't know anything about me is frankly ridiculous, even that will cost a couple of grand which again is ridiculous, I don't want to be interred either just flung somewhere nice, maybe the beach?

My husband doesn't want a funeral and wants his ashes scattered in his favourite racecourse. I do want a funeral and want my ashes to be interred in my family grave with my parents. I think the important thing is to respect the wishes of the person who has died not what the next of kin wants. I don't like the idea of not having a funeral for my husband but I think it would be so wrong to ignore what he wants.

It’s usual paid out of the estate which reduces inheritance.

My parents have left clear instructions for their funerals. They think that will make it easier for us when the time comes, and perhaps it will.

I think I’d like my ashes to be scattered in a lovely public garden (hopefully they’ll help the flowers grow) or on a beach. I like the thought of becoming part of a beautiful place and my family being able to remember me there. Also, there will be no grave plot to renew or memorial to maintain.

My family can decide if they want a service, but I’ll leave suggestions for it if they might find that helpful. I definitely won’t be forbidding them from holding a funeral.

I went to a night out recently and three of the people there had been bereaved and all their loved ones had chosen to have no funeral, just cremation whenever and a party when the families felt up to it.

I think we are so atheist and untraditional now, and the country is basically getting poorer every day, so not a good time to be in the funeral trade I wouldn't think.

I don't want one either. If the family want to get together for a few drinks and a reminisce, great. But watching my coffin being ceremonially being brought in . No thanks.

But some people need to see the coffin, have all the rituals etc. in order to grieve properly.

I actually think it's a sign of a very emotionally unintelligent population that people have become so averse to feeling any negative emotion whatsoever.

It's not bad to feel sad or even highly distressed when someone has died. It's normal, natural, and necessary to help heal.

The funeral isn't for you, it's for your family and helps with grief. You don't need to request something fancy

You could donate your remains to medical research.
Then anyone remembering you can plan a party to remember you if they like. Or is that the bit you find awkward?

This.

I'm not having one.

DS, who will quite feasibly be my only mourner when I die, is autistic and cannot cope with funerals, so there's no point. I will pay for a direct cremation in advance and save him as much distress as I can.

I've told family that I want a direct cremation but I guess if I'm dead it doesn't matter anyway

Exactly this. It’s up to the people that you leave behind how they choose to remember you. I think it’s a bit cruel to try and tell them they can’t hold a funeral for you.

For me it's not about not feeling any negative emotions. Not at all.

I've had a couple of people die recently who opted for direct cremation. Both had their lives celebrated at a different time and it was a good experience.

One was due to geographic logistics and his grieving widow was saved a lot of trouble - she organised a church service and wake and it literally was like any funeral but without a coffin.

The other was partly logistics as it was a widely spread family, and partly honouring the deceased's preference for no funeral. We all got together to scatter the ashes a few months later, words were spoken, memories shared, glasses raised - I don't know if it would have been the widow's choice to have left it so long tbh.

I'd be very happy with direct cremation and for dh/ds to organise whatever they like afterwards, but I've said to dh to do whatever is easiest for him - I won't be there so it's about those left behind really. He shouldn't worry about not respecting my wishes, because I have none.

From most of what I've read here, people aren't saying that they would not have a funeral in order to avoid the sadness of grief.

I can't stress enough how much the funeral is for those left behind. The ceremony is a really crucial part of the grieving process.

My FIL didn't want anything and his wishes were totally respected. But honestly my DH and everyone else really struggled without that focal point.

Your not strange for not wanting one but I would discuss it with your immediate family first. Funerals do offer some sort of closure for those left behind and whilst you may not be bothered they may prefer to have the chance to say goodbye.

Direct cremations are on the up, less faff, cheaper and then family get together to spread the ashes

I was a huge advocate for direct cremation until a close relative opted for one.

It was extremely strange and caused a lot of unintended consequences as a result of people feeling they’d been deprived of their chance to say goodbye.

Whilst we had a meal a while later, it really wasn’t the same and as a result I don’t think I’d opt for one now myself. I’m not religious (nor was the relative) but I’d opt for some kind of humanist ceremony instead, for my relatives more than for me.

How can anyone even begin to say 'paying my respects' by totally disrispecting the wishes of their loved one? What a contradiction :(

Funerals arnt for those that have died though, they are for those that are alive. I think it's selfish to decide to tell your loved ones you don't want a funeral as it's them that won't have the opportunity to say goodbye how they might want to

I disagree. When my kid died I was going for the direct cremation and was utterly bullied from all angles to have a funeral. Even down to offers to help pay for one.

So they, because id just lost a child and head was done in got their way. They all drifted off afterwards and haven't heard from the vast majority since.

It was utterly traumatising for me. I didn't want one and wish I had never had one and I'm utterly furious with those pack of fuckers who felt entitled to say goodbye to my bairn the way they wanted to. How dare they.

So, in with the death envelope me and husband have expressed strong wishes on what we want doing with our remains and there won't be a funeral.

That will not happen again.

A cousin of mine died recently, very shocking and sudden death. I was preparing to drop everything to go to the funeral... and then her next of kin announced they wouldn't be having a funeral at all, just a straight cremation attended by her parents and husband.

I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo grief-wise... I actually don't feel like she has died... even though my brain keeps reminding me she's gone, it's like my heart can't process it. Another thing I feel like I have been deprived of is the comfort of spending a day surrounded by people who are all grieving the same person, to share your feelings of loss, comfort each other, and spend a whole afternoon just focussing on that person, sharing stories, crying and laughing together...

I just urge anyone who's thinking about not having a funeral to think about the impact on their family members, who might need it or find it helpful.

Some people have suggested in this thread that you can still organise your own celebration, but realistically you can't really... I feel like I am too far removed, like I don't have the right or authority to do that when her mum and husband didn't want it, and I don't know any of my cousin's acquaintances apart from our shared side of the family, so that's unrealistic.