To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

Hence the selfish and entitled part of my posts.

Well if we can't be selfish and entitled when we're dead when can we be!

You can request what you want but you won't have an ounce of control what happens when you're dead. You could be thrown naked into the sea for all you're aware.

Well if we can't be selfish and entitled when we're dead when can we be!

Surely that's the one time when there is absolutely no point in being selfish and entitled, since you will benefit from it in no way whatsoever! When you're alive you generally have to balance your needs and desires against those of others, at least to a certain extent. When you're dead you will have no needs or desires, so why base what happens after you're dead on how you will feel? You won't feel anything!

Brutal 🤣🤣

We can flounce in death without the repercussions 😂

You're taking the grieving process away from the living. A funeral helps people to process their thoughts feelings and grief

Not for me it didn't. I found the scattering of mum and dad's ashes (they were mixed together), somewhere that meant a lot to them, much better when it came to processing everything. Being at the crem and both times seeing their coffins just made everything worse for me.

A funeral helps SOME people to process their thoughts feelings and grief. For other people, having to deal with the social aspects of a funeral at a time when one is already grieving and vulnerable is PURE TORTURE. This is especially likely to be the case if there are tensions between the relatives who are attending, but for some people it's in any case important to have privacy in one's grief. I do think that in the past, the person who has died was more at the centre of the funeral than now. Nowadays, perhaps because the religious context has often been lost, the bereaved are often more at the centre; and for some people, having one's grief put on display and being subjected to condolence rituals can make an already unbearable situation even more unbearable. Also, for some people it can interfere with their ability to remember the person as they were in life.

I see in some of the posts here the assumption that the people left behind will always want a funeral, and that the person who doesn't want a funeral after their death is being selfish and unfair toward the living. Well, yes, sometimes that's the case. But surely it's the same the other way round: isn't it also unfair and selfish to demand a big send-off if this will add to one's family's pain? I think people should discuss their wishes with their family, and sometimes there will be no solution that will be acceptable to everyone. I tend to think that if ALL the family members feel one way, this should trump the wishes of the person who won't be there; but if the family members differ, then they should go by the wishes of the person who died.

But it shouldn't be assumed that ALL bereaved people need or are helped by a funeral; for some, it's the opposite.

A relative of ours had a Simply Cremation funeral. He was taken to a crematorium of his choice, his ashes were returned to the family and they held a lovely memorial ceremony and scattered his ashes on the farm where they lived. The step children all said a few words, it was all very personal to him and who he was. Absolutely lovely.
An old friends father wanted his body donated to science, so thats what they did!

It really doesn't for me. I prefer working through my grief with no funeral. I like the process to be more natural and flexible not a fixed event.

A funeral helps SOME people to process their thoughts feelings and grief. For other people, having to deal with the social aspects of a funeral at a time when one is already grieving and vulnerable is PURE TORTURE.

But nobody has to attend a funeral - that's kind of the point. At least if there is a funeral, then people have the option to attend and get their "closure" that way, or not attend and do their own thing. If you choose "no funeral" then you take away that choice and potentially make things much harder for those left behind.

You're right that funerals can be awful for some but they can be cathartic and incredibly meaningful for others.

If funerals don't help you then you don't need to attend, but IMO it's unfair to take that option away from those you leave behind, especially when it makes absolutely no difference to you either way.

Sea burials are a thing in the UK. There are three approved sites including the needles. 🌊🌊🌊

I didnt know that -- how interesting. I just looked up the regulations.

When making arrangements for the deceased’s burial, no embalming is allowed as this preservative could cause water pollution. Instead, a cotton sheet or biodegradable body bag may be used.

When you receive your licence, you will be required to give details of the coffin build and the MMO has the right to inspect the coffin before the ceremony takes place.

The coffin must have holes drilled through it and be evenly weighted with 200kg of iron, steel or concrete clamped to the base. Materials such as plastic, zinc, copper and lead are not permitted.

My dad is donating his body to medical science so there will be nothing to cremate or bury. I said we'd have a few drinks in the pub for him

Certainly here (not UK), the medical schools return the body eventually, so it needs to be buried or cremated later, if not at the time of death. (And the law is a bit unclear here, so your NOK isn't, I believe, legally obliged to go along with your wishes to donate your body...)

@WomenLookingAtMenLookingAtWomen that's interesting, I'll do some proper investigating to see if we do get the body back

But it shouldn't be assumed that ALL bereaved people need or are helped by a funeral; for some, it's the opposite. @ToWhitToWhoo

100% percent, I could not agree with you more, the traditional rituals of bereavement are not for everyone. Neither of my parents want a funeral and I would like to think that the least I could do for them in terms of marking their deaths would be to adhere to whatever they have chosen they want.

Both will be cremated, neither will have a gravesite. My mum doesn’t know where she wants to be scattered but we’ll mix her in with our dearly departed cat’s ashes and find somewhere beautiful, probably with a tree planting. My dad wants me to climb up Pen Y Fan and scatter him at the summit.

We’ve also talked about naming a couple of benches (they don’t want to share a plaque - which sums up their marriage really!) so that we have somewhere physical to sit and reflect in years to come. But that will be that. No religion, no hymns or platitudes. Personally I’d like a water cremation, but it’s not currently legal in my part of the world, but hopefully I’m only halfway through my life.

It might be worth doing. I've certainly attended 'late' burials here (Ireland) where a friend got their parent's body returned from a medical school after a year or so.

Though from what I remember, at least one of them held a funeral at the time of death, after which the body was donated, and the burial/cremation part was just conducted a year or so later on. (But not compulsory, obviously!)

If funerals don't help you then you don't need to attend, but IMO it's unfair to take that option away from those you leave behind, especially when it makes absolutely no difference to you either way

This was the discussion I had with my dad towards the end of his life, him having opted for a direct cremation. But I came to understand. He knew that certain people would attend his funeral who he really didn't care for, and he didn't want that to happen nor put my mum through any awkwardness. We knew from all the cards and messages we received after he passed that he was a very loved and respected man.

Ultimately it was the last big decision he could ever make. 18 months on, the hole he left is as huge as ever and no funeral could ever fill that and I'm glad he got to go his way.

My MIL died recently and FIL didn't attend the funeral - it's not obligatory even if you're married. I know DH and his siblings were very grateful to be able to get the chance to attend, though.

I'm talking about the living. I was bullied into one for my kid. I was in no fit state to resist for long. People who barely or never saw her before her death and who I haven't seen since the funeral really leaned on me to organise one. I didn't have the choice to opt out and not go as some people seem to think you can. I had to do the ridiculous greeting everyone's tilty head I'm sorry for your loss crap. The vast majority of them I haven't heard from since. It's fake

Now I'm a bit of a way down the path I'm utterly furious about it. How dare anyone put their stupid attention seeking rituals before a mothers grief.

Never, ever again will that happen. I'm ready for it next time I'm in the position of dealing with a significant to me death. It didn't benefit me, husband or my remaining kids. My youngest particularly found it a struggle to deal with.

But hey, as long as those far flung people had a catch up, that's the main thing....

I think everyone knows funerals aren't obligatory for anyone @fieldsofbutterflies.

Perhaps you've never known anyone who doesn't want a funeral, but deciding not to have one is a far bigger and more complex decision than deciding to have one.

I lost both my parents in the last 18m, my dad expected, mum sudden. Mum also chose a direct cremation. A funeral a matter of days after the passing of someone who has loved you every second of your life, from the minute they knew you existed is is never going to be cathartic or ameliorate the grief that is to come. But I did get comfort from knowing their wishes were respected.

Perhaps you've never known anyone who doesn't want a funeral, but deciding not to have one is a far bigger and more complex decision than deciding to have one.

Actually, I know several people who don't want a funeral, including my DH and my own parents. I'll respect their wishes but personally it makes me very sad to think that they're not considering those they'll be leaving behind.