To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

In my dad's case he did consider those he left behind. We debated it together. But ultimately he knew that those couple of hours were going to be so insignificant in the scheme of things.

I've been to a child's funeral following their death in a traumatic accident. That was very necessary in order for the family to begin to process what had happened.

But ultimately he knew that those couple of hours were going to be so insignificant in the scheme of things.

For some people, sure, for others funerals are hugely significant and play a massive part in the "healing" process.

I guess at the end of the day everyone is different, I just think it's a shame that people "refuse to have a funeral" when it makes absolutely zero difference to them whatsoever.

My reasons for not wanting a funeral ( which DD is perfectly happy to go along with btw), are these.

People can remember me in a much better setting than a crem
What's the point of anyone saying a few words over my coffin...I won't be able to hear it so telling me how great (or not), I was is meaningless IMO.
It removes all the angst of ensuring I get a "proper" send off. What's the point of worrying about flowers I'm not going to see, music I'm not going to hear or wasting time trying to think of which coffin to choose when it makes fuck all difference to me.
Unless the ashes are buried or scattered the same day, then the actual service is just another thing that gets in the way of saying the "last goodbye" and just prolongs the agony of grief.

If folks want to be together to share memories and remember me then they can do that at any time, anywhere when they are not so overwhelmed.

But it does make a difference to them @fieldsofbutterflies. Not on the day of course but in coming to terms with knowing their life is coming to an end. Whatever their reasons, they must have agency.

Part of my dad's motivation was wanting us to "have one less thing to worry about". It doesn't matter a jot that it wouldn't have been a worry to me, what matters is that's how he felt, and his feelings and wants as a dying man were valid and paramount.

We had a wonderful memorial dinner for my parents with family and friends and have interred their ashes together and planted 2 rose bushes that bear their names. There can still be ritual.

I will bear my grief for a long time. A funeral could never shortcut that.

@Bwarly personally that's not a thought process I understand. I'll be dead. What happens to me after that makes not one blind bit of difference.

My grandmother didn’t have one and went straight to cremation as she wanted. Her husband died a few months before and had a military funeral.

My grandmother was a no-nonsense woman and her last years of life were in pain. She had very few visitors when she lived with my parents from what I saw when I moved in to help with her care.

She was of the mind that if you couldn’t make time to visit her when she’s alive, she wasn’t going to allow you to do so when she was dead and I respect it.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting a funeral.

Nobody has to attend a funeral?

I desperately didn't want to go and watch my lovely mum put in the ground and my beloved dad disappear behind the curtains at the crem. Both events vastly increased my distress. But, there were funerals and I was put under immense pressure to attend by the rest of the family. There was no option but to go. It is the reason for deciding I didn't want a funeral.

You don't literally have to, in the sense that you'll be sentenced to prison if you don't. But if you're a close relative, and you don't hold/ attend a funeral, then you are likely to come under enormous pressure and be accused of being uncaring, etc. if you don't. It can end friendships and family relationships.

If it's on record that your relative did not want a funeral, then you are likely to come under much less pressure about it.

@Bwarly
Perhaps you've never known anyone who doesn't want a funeral, but deciding not to have one is a far bigger and more complex decision than deciding to have one.

Says who? 🤷🏻‍♀️. We found it really easy.

The whole process was very easy to. It wasn't completely seamless as the CoOp had an issue with accepting the online payment and it took them a little while to realize it was on their end but apart from that it was straightforward. You can do it over the phone and online.

I'm sorry you experienced that.

My MIL died recently and FIL chose not to attend the funeral - nobody judged him for it at all.

I had actually forgotten this, but when I was young my great-aunt died. I went to her funeral, but my Nana, her sister, stayed back at the house as she said she didn't want to see her in a coffin.

When my Nana died I was 14, and I didn't attend her funeral for the same reason - and I knew she would understand.

For SOME people, yes. Others are quite able to process their thoughts, feelings, and grief without a funeral. This idea that you can't grieve if you don't attend a funeral is ridiculous.

I don’t think anyone has said that - but the point is that if you decide not to have a funeral, you’re not giving anyone any choice.

My DF decided he wanted a direct cremation. He was a well known man and there would have been a number of attendees if he had a traditional funeral - but he was thinking about me, his daughter, when he made his decision. I rather think he was putting me ahead of others, and I'm glad he did.

If someone has a traditional funeral there are often loved ones who would rather not attend, but feel forced to do so because it is "the done thing" and don't want to face the gossip around them not going. They really don't have any choice either.

I have no partner, no children, no siblings, no parents - I really don't care about anyone else (other than my exDH, but I'm sure he will cope). Surely if someone wants no funeral they can discuss it rationally with their family, who will then be prepared. Incidentally, I have known several people who were overseas when a family member died who decided not to come home for the funeral.

And if you decide to have a funeral, then in most cases you're not giving anyone any choice either.

I'm not saying that everyone has got to either have or avoid having a funeral; but whichever decision is made, it leads to pressures and expectations on the people left behind.

@ToWhitToWhoo I don't agree with you but I guess I can see where you're coming from.

You've misunderstood my comment @WhatDaPoint. I wasn't talking about the practicalities of arranging a direct crem, but the emotions behind the decision to have one. As you can see from @fieldsofbutterflies viewpoint, it can be controversial