Page 6 | To not want a funeral when I die?

LuluBlakey1 · 02/05/2024 21:20

blackrosemage · 02/05/2024 19:11

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

I am not having one. DH knows this and has said he will honour that if he is still alive.

Borborygmus · 02/05/2024 21:23

I'll have a direct cremation. I think the idea that funerals are for those left behind is simply nonsense.

BIossomtoes · 02/05/2024 21:24

Tengreenbottles2 · 02/05/2024 20:44

I don't want one either. If the family want to get together for a few drinks and a reminisce, great. But watching my coffin being ceremonially being brought in . No thanks.

But some people need to see the coffin, have all the rituals etc. in order to grieve properly.

I actually think it's a sign of a very emotionally unintelligent population that people have become so averse to feeling any negative emotion whatsoever.

It's not bad to feel sad or even highly distressed when someone has died. It's normal, natural, and necessary to help heal.

I agree. There’s no way I’d cause my family additional unnecessary distress by denying them an important rite of passage. I’ve stipulated a willow coffin and all the flowers, none of this family flowers only bollocks for me. A nice Humanist ceremony with some beautiful music and poetry followed by a buffet and a case of champagne.

WheresMyAlex · 02/05/2024 21:26

Honestly, I will try to talk anyone out of this every opportunity I get. My very DM had a direct cremation, we did have a party a few weeks after she passed, but it really stunted the grieving process for our family not having a funeral. It’s hard enough to accept when a loved one dies, but it’s excruciating when you don’t get that closure of coming together and saying goodbye. You almost don’t start your grieving process until after the funeral, and I felt just totally in limbo for a very long time. I was almost convinced that she hadn’t actually passed. Obviously it’s entirely your choice, but as PP said, funerals are for the living, not the dead. Just my two pence.

ArchesOfsunflowers · 02/05/2024 21:27

I’ve told all my family to do whatever helps them. No pressure to have or not have a funeral. I’m not inclined towards, but if it helps them in anyway then go for it.

Original poster

blackrosemage · 02/05/2024 21:28

fungipie · 02/05/2024 21:17

How can anyone even begin to say 'paying my respects' by totally disrispecting the wishes of their loved one? What a contradiction :(

This

OP posts:

ArchesOfsunflowers · 02/05/2024 21:28

WheresMyAlex · 02/05/2024 21:26

Honestly, I will try to talk anyone out of this every opportunity I get. My very DM had a direct cremation, we did have a party a few weeks after she passed, but it really stunted the grieving process for our family not having a funeral. It’s hard enough to accept when a loved one dies, but it’s excruciating when you don’t get that closure of coming together and saying goodbye. You almost don’t start your grieving process until after the funeral, and I felt just totally in limbo for a very long time. I was almost convinced that she hadn’t actually passed. Obviously it’s entirely your choice, but as PP said, funerals are for the living, not the dead. Just my two pence.

I didn’t see this before I replied. That’s what I’m aware of- it’s not me left managing grief, it’s them. So they can do whatever they feel they need or don’t need.
sorry for your loss

Original poster

blackrosemage · 02/05/2024 21:30

@gamerchick I'm so sorry this happened to you

OP posts:

NeverHeardOfSuchTosh · 02/05/2024 21:31

I don't want a funeral, so about 15 years ago, submitted forms to leave my body to medical science when I die. (it's not guaranteed that the hospital would take my corpse). My husband has done the same. We're in our mid-60s

LuckyPeonies · 02/05/2024 21:35

Tengreenbottles2 · 02/05/2024 21:19

A cousin of mine died recently, very shocking and sudden death. I was preparing to drop everything to go to the funeral... and then her next of kin announced they wouldn't be having a funeral at all, just a straight cremation attended by her parents and husband.

I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo grief-wise... I actually don't feel like she has died... even though my brain keeps reminding me she's gone, it's like my heart can't process it. Another thing I feel like I have been deprived of is the comfort of spending a day surrounded by people who are all grieving the same person, to share your feelings of loss, comfort each other, and spend a whole afternoon just focussing on that person, sharing stories, crying and laughing together...

I just urge anyone who's thinking about not having a funeral to think about the impact on their family members, who might need it or find it helpful.

Some people have suggested in this thread that you can still organise your own celebration, but realistically you can't really... I feel like I am too far removed, like I don't have the right or authority to do that when her mum and husband didn't want it, and I don't know any of my cousin's acquaintances apart from our shared side of the family, so that's unrealistic.

Surely, her husband’s and parent’s wishes should trump those of more distant relatives?

WheresMyAlex · 02/05/2024 21:36

@Tengreenbottles2 saw your comment after I posted mine, and I agree with you completely. The limbo, not accepting… it’s just. I don’t think you realise how important the ritual of a funeral is until you’re denied one for your loved one.

keffie12 · 02/05/2024 21:43

I know a lot of people who have direct funeral payment plans. I would prefer it too. I've been on a monthly plan for some years, which is due to finish when I'm 70.

Then it's down to my eldest to decide as he is the one who is still local. If he wanted to do just direct, that's fine by me. Even though it's paid for, he doesn't have to have it. If I was taking it out now, I would just have direct

Heatedblanky · 02/05/2024 21:47

Tengreenbottles2 · 02/05/2024 21:19

A cousin of mine died recently, very shocking and sudden death. I was preparing to drop everything to go to the funeral... and then her next of kin announced they wouldn't be having a funeral at all, just a straight cremation attended by her parents and husband.

I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo grief-wise... I actually don't feel like she has died... even though my brain keeps reminding me she's gone, it's like my heart can't process it. Another thing I feel like I have been deprived of is the comfort of spending a day surrounded by people who are all grieving the same person, to share your feelings of loss, comfort each other, and spend a whole afternoon just focussing on that person, sharing stories, crying and laughing together...

I just urge anyone who's thinking about not having a funeral to think about the impact on their family members, who might need it or find it helpful.

Some people have suggested in this thread that you can still organise your own celebration, but realistically you can't really... I feel like I am too far removed, like I don't have the right or authority to do that when her mum and husband didn't want it, and I don't know any of my cousin's acquaintances apart from our shared side of the family, so that's unrealistic.

I can relate to this. My uncle had a direct cremation which took away my opportunity to spend the day with my siblings and cousins and their families remembering him and reminiscing about our shared history. It is not appropriate for me to instigate us all getting together to do this; it’s not my place. I sometimes remember that my uncle is dead and I feel startled - as if I haven’t properly registered what’s happened - and I can’t help feeling that if there had been a funeral I would have processed and accepted what’s happened on a deeper, more subconscious level.

Newname71 · 02/05/2024 21:51

WheresMyAlex · 02/05/2024 21:26

Honestly, I will try to talk anyone out of this every opportunity I get. My very DM had a direct cremation, we did have a party a few weeks after she passed, but it really stunted the grieving process for our family not having a funeral. It’s hard enough to accept when a loved one dies, but it’s excruciating when you don’t get that closure of coming together and saying goodbye. You almost don’t start your grieving process until after the funeral, and I felt just totally in limbo for a very long time. I was almost convinced that she hadn’t actually passed. Obviously it’s entirely your choice, but as PP said, funerals are for the living, not the dead. Just my two pence.

It’s not the same for everyone though. We had a direct cremation for DF. We moved around a lot due to him being in the RAF, so no real friendships. His DF,DM and DB had all already passed. There would’ve only been DM, me, DSis our partners and our children there (family wise). A lot of our friends would’ve come to support us but he was a very private man and wouldn’t have wanted that. We’d said our goodbyes to him when he was in hospital. We spent the day of the cremation in their home thinking of him. Much better for us than in some impersonal , unfamiliar space.
Each to their own I suppose, everybody needs different things to help them in times of grief.

gamerchick · 02/05/2024 21:53

blackrosemage · 02/05/2024 21:30

@gamerchick I'm so sorry this happened to you

Thank you. I'm alright.

It's reminded me how exceptionally selfish and attention seeking people are when it comes to this stuff. It's a ghoulish tradition that needs to die out IMO.

StMarieforme · 02/05/2024 21:54

Almostwelsh · 02/05/2024 19:15

Funerals aren't for the dead they are for the living. It doesn't matter what you want, you'll be dead. If your friends and family want a funeral, don't make them feel bad about it.

If course it matters what the person who's died wants. We took comfort in giving my MIL exactly what she wanted.
It may not matter to you, but it does to others.

TodaysNameIsBoring · 02/05/2024 21:54

No one I my family is having a funeral or a service of any kind. We also aren't collecting any ashes.
My Dad had a direct crem funeral,with no service. Even though I arranged it I don't know where or when it happened. I think the ashes get sprinkled in the garden of the crematorium.

It was exactly what he wanted. We arranged it online.

We have no regrets at all. We were obviously sad he died but once he was dead his mortal remains didn't represent anything to us. What was important was our memories of when he was alive.
Not having a funeral didn't seem to affect how we mourned for him. We can talk about him and can feel sad about him but it all seems normal and healthy.

My Mum, my siblings, my adult kids and I all have written in our wills a note to say we would like direct to crem funerals with no service . My husband has specified direct to cremation but hasn't specified if he wants a service or not.

I understand why other people may want funerals. I'm not against them but they aren't for me.

I love the fact that direct to crem with no service or ashes is the cheapest option.

BIossomtoes · 02/05/2024 21:55

It's a ghoulish tradition that needs to die out IMO.

It’s as old as time. Every society and culture has had rituals for honouring their dead and I can’t see it ending while humanity exists.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/05/2024 21:56

Almostwelsh · 02/05/2024 19:15

Funerals aren't for the dead they are for the living. It doesn't matter what you want, you'll be dead. If your friends and family want a funeral, don't make them feel bad about it.

This. I couldn't care less if there's a funeral for me, but my (adult) dc have said they'd be upset if there wasn't one. They don't know how much they cost though, so they might change their minds!

OldTinHat · 02/05/2024 21:56

I've written in my will that I don't want a funeral, just a direct cremation, and if people want to get together and party that I've gone, that's up to them!

Hankunamatata · 02/05/2024 21:56

Having been to a few funerals lately. There is great peace from saying goodbye with friends and family. I will leave it to my children what they want to do and make sure the money is there for them to do what they wish to do

EC22 · 02/05/2024 21:57

The funeral isn’t for you.

BobnLen · 02/05/2024 21:58

I didn't watch it but I'm sure there was a programme on TV tonight about funerals and the high cost of them, I will probably look on catch up tomorrow

MyRamone · 02/05/2024 22:00

Funerals are ridiculous nowadays and I can see why a lot of people think meh. We cremated three relatives on the trot in 2019 and after three identical 15 minute services (in- music, reading, music, words from the celebrant, music, get out the door so we can get the next coffin in etc) within 4 months, DH and I swore we wouldn't put each other and the dc through that miserable impersonal cookie cutter experience when we shuffle off our mortal coils.

HauntedBungalow · 02/05/2024 22:03

People don't "do" death very well in England generally and I guess not having a funeral at all is the next logical step but ime it does make things harder for those left behind.