To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

😂😂 brilliant

I didn't used to want one at all either, I hate them and find them so upsetting and just horrible and weird.

However, a family member died at the beginning of the first Covid wave when funerals were very limited, and we couldn't attend. I now think they're helpful for those left behind - the ceremony helps process it. I've really struggled with his death (it was from Covid and not expected) and I think a funeral would have helped.

So now I think just the basics, no visible coffin because that's the worst bit, just some speaking if people want or just a wake is fine.

No, YANBU. My MIL died during lockdown (not Covid related) and we could not attend the cremation, we could only scatter her ashes.

The whole thing was so easy and dignified, that DW and I have both decided to have the same thing when our time comes.

This is lovely

My dad didn’t want one either. We had a wake and then a private cremation with my mum and siblings for the committal. Quite a few of the wider family and friends were very unhappy with us – which was quite an eye opener into people who make a funeral about them rather than the deceased, their widow and their children, but there you go. No regrets.

It's selfish to go against someone's wishes. Apparently there a few on here who would do that. You don't need a funeral today goodbye, have a memorial.

Fwiw pure cremation I think it's called are a bit of a rip off. Your local funeral places do them a lot cheaper.

And I would have to disagree with those who say that funerals aren't for the deceased. That's my body in there, dead or not, and I would expect my loved ones to respect what I wanted to happen with it.

DH & I discussed direct cremations a few years ago, & thought it was probably what we'd opt for. But, on discussion with my adult children, they said they'd want a funeral to say goodbye.

I do think funerals are really for the living, so I took out a funeral plan.

A year later I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. I've now planned my funeral, although I've yet to speak to the Celebrant I want to use. I've put some money aside for a wake too. And even sorted some photos for the kids to put up.

I know one of the things that will be said about me is how organised I always was - so I'm not gona let them down. 😁

I don't want one either. If the family want to get together for a few drinks and a reminisce, great. But watching my coffin being ceremonially being brought in . No thanks.

I have dreaded every funeral I have ever had to attend. Never felt any peace from them. Only extra distress.

Would prefer not to do that to my family/friends.

Can you make an inheritance conditional on following your wishes in respect of a funeral (or lack of one)?

I want a direct cremation and my family and friends to have a small memorial. I do not want a church service.
So I get you!

The Co-Op have been advertising their pre-paid direct cremations and there are lots of similar options. I am absolutely certain I don’t want a funeral service, much less a wake, entertaining people I didn’t see when alive while they act as though my death is somehow sad.

My AC and GC can put the ashes wherever they like, left at the crematorium, scattered or interred as they prefer.

I believe funerals are for the living not the dead. For me it’s for those who are grieving to make that decision.

Funerals help provide closure. I'll have a funeral, and make my wishes known because I wasn't give guidance as to how that closure can be found. I think the structure of a formal service will be helpful to two of my DC. I'd like the funeral to be held in the church they grew up in went to weekly with school, because it will be very familiar for them.

A relative recently died and asked for no funeral. People have found it very difficult. Some have been left feeling hurt and angry.

Thing is even with a traditional cremation you don’t go though the curtain straight into the fire it still might not even be that day.

So no different to a direct cremation and having a knees up or some other type of memorial. Not having a funeral itself doesn’t mean you can’t do a get together. It just means your not wasting money on pomp.

Some funeral procedures and traditions seem like an added ordeal for those closest to the deceased. Particularly: following the coffin by car; coffin being in the room then going through a curtain to be burned, or put into the ground; providing hospitality for and interact with guests who have travelled to be there.

haven’t attended one that has felt like a ‘celebration of life’.

Absolutely. That's why I've discussed it with my children/ dh. If they went against my wishes I'd be livid.
Luckily they are on the same wavelength. All this " paying respects" bollocks....often from those who gave no fucks about you when alive. The RIP brigade on FB.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.
Humans have had burial rituals for thousands of years for a reason.
They are an important part of grieving.
If a loved one of mine left plans in place for a direct cremation I would pretend I knew nothing about it and pay for a proper funeral myself.
It doesn't matter to you what happens to your body - saying goodbye in a traditional way might be very important to your relatives.
It strikes me as very selfish

One of my friends (who’s quite a lot older than me) has paid in advance for a direct cremation and has put my name down as the point of contact. I agreed, but two things annoy me:

I’ll be charged an admin fee of about £100 when he dies.

He hasn’t told his family (siblings and their children) that he’s changed his earlier plans and now wants a direct cremation. So they might think it’s all my doing.

There was another funeral thread I read today and it gave me a think about mine.

I concluded it’s not really got anything to do with me. I’m dead so what do I care. It’s for other people. So I don’t think it’s your decision to make. Or that’s the stance I’m taking anyway.

We've actually checked it out and funeral plans are not legally binding nor ae funeral wishes in wills..
Funeral arrangements are legally the responsibility of the executor of your will, so that's the person who needs to know and agree with what you want.
At the end of the day you'll never know if your wishes were carried out.

When my dad died and we all went to the funeral director's to arrange all thise things like coffin etc, we just kept saying "but it's just going to get BURNT" when he tried to persuade us to have superlative wood, silk and handles or whatever. When we came out we looked at each other and burst out laughing at the relief of getting out of that place full of insincere sincerity.

At home we talked of do it yourself funerals with cardboard coffins transported on wheelbarrows and all sorts of silly alternatives which we found terribly funny at the time.

When my brother died we chose awicker coffin though it was more expensive at least it was not mahogany or teak or something.

I have felt since then that I'd rather not have a funeral (dad died 1980 and bro 2010 or thereabouts) at all. I'm not bothered about a party either but I'd rather the living had a party than a wake.

Oh god haha 😂 that’s so awkward and hilariously dark. Cattenburg forever known as the direct cremator woman.

On the other hand they're quite good for children to meet distant relatives and to see that life goes on.

I have never found a funeral to provide closure . Just cause more distress. And I have been to far too many. If the family want to have a get together in the local pub I'll leave a few quid behind the bar and book a band for dancing.