To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

I have already completed my body donation form and my family are all aware but do not necessarily agree. I would have quite liked a sky burial, a viking burial or being placed on a raised platform so that the weather and wildlife could all take a part of me. I would have loved to have been mummified like the documentary Mummifying Allan too. Unfortunately, none of these are an option. I wish for a good death and for the possibility of helping others via science once my body is no longer of use to me. My family will likely all roll their eyes and say, there goes Mum doing things her own way as usual.

Respects, love, fun, sharing, and all that, should happen during one's LIFE- why would I care what happens after. Don't get that kind of 'respect' at all.

Bury me in a natural burial ground in a wicker coffin- plant a native tree which will become a forest (and take any organs that can help anyone before you do).

My mom is 95. Most of her family and friends are dead. Me and my brother have decided that a direct cremation is appropriate then we will meet for a meal to spend some time together.

Brother and SIL have already arranged their direct cremations. Pretty sure me and DH do the same in time.

Absolutely agree.

This is appalling. Not respecting someone's wishes is so so wrong, and honestly, quite disgusting and totally disrespectful.

I don't want one. I'm worried no-one would turn up. Now I know it won't bother me as I'll be dead but it doesn't stop me thinking about it.

We live in Spain where funerals have to take place within 48 hours of death. They can embalm bodies for people traveling from abroad, but that makes things very expensive. Neither my dh or I are religious and our families are not bothered, so we've signed up for direct cremation. Quick and cheap.

I felt my Dad's funeral was all part of the grieving & acceptance process. I'd have hated if he had wanted a direct cremation

The Dad of a friend of mine has said he wants a direct cremation. My friend & his siblings have no intention of doing that & will be having a funeral when the time comes. Not sure how I feel about that to be honest

This.

DFIL didn't have a funeral - was very strong in his opinions and DH and DMIL didn't want to go against his wishes.

Both regret that now as they didn't get a sense of closure.

I doubt I'll have a funeral. I originally left my body to the nearest teaching hospital, but they recently wrote to me telling me they no longer accept bodies.

as a general rule, I dislike parties, so I see no reason why I'd want one after I die.

My daughter knows id prefer a direct funeral. But if she feels the need to have some sort of ritual after I die, she has my blessing to do what ever she wants/needs.

Exactly this.

My SIL's mum requested no funeral and SIL is now in grief counselling for unresolved emotional issues surrounding her mum's death.

In the nicest possible way, it's not about you. Ironically.

I think I agree with you. After the last family funeral I said to my husband why on earth do we put ourselves through this . It’s expensive, can cause family arguments and as for being a so called celebration of life I find that absolute rubbish . So distressing. I suppose it’s up to family as to what they want to do though .

I get you OP, but a lovely friend of mine died last year, and there was no funeral - which is what she wanted. However, everyone felt really bereft at having no chance to celebrate her life and a few months later her family had a memorial celebration.

As PPs have said, you won't be there why worry about it? Let your nearest and dearest decide what they want when the the time comes.

@blackrosemage Not unreasonable at all, I feel the exact same way. Have been to plenty of funerals and they are absolutely dreadful. I don’t understand anyone who considers them helpful and necessary for closure. I will, however, concede perhaps it is different for religious people who take comfort from the ceremony and various rites.

Also, if the departed is embalmed, formaldehyde and other chemicals leak into the soil, for no good purpose. Thankfully, funerals are not compulsory and we can easily forego them.

I always thought this for myself until recently. A family member died and wished for a pure cremation, no service or anything just picked up and off to the crem they went. All went smoothly, undertakers were good in informing us of the process and it was stress free, but there was no closure. We were informed of the death and that was the end of that, some dealt with it better than others. I intend to have a pot to pay for my funeral if thats what my loved ones want but that is their decision, if they decide to pocket the money and ship me off in a box then thats fine aswell.

Sometimes getting to the death of a loved one has been a long painful road. The funeral is an important marker for the family left behind to be extremely sad and get it out, then to be supported by family and friends at the wake.

Its not for the dear departed, it’s nice to mark it in keeping with their personality, but it’s for everyone they leave behind.

I don’t know why we all pretend to be overjoyed someone has died, why do we feel we should wear colours and drink champagne and dance? Why can we not cry our eyes out?

I’ve told my DDs no funeral for me and I’ve paid up front for direct cremation.
They’re to buy some champagne and have a holiday somewhere. Much better use of the money.

I dont want one but if my family need to have one for closure I dont mind.

My mum and dad both paid for direct funerals for me it felt like I had no closure but it was what they wanted I just had my goodbyes with the ashes.

I do see yours and other's reasoning around letting loved ones decide, like if that works for you then I completely respect that. But personally I can't get on board with the 'you won't be there so why do you care' perspective.

My body is what will have carried my soul around for my entire life, birthed my child, the physical vessel that permitted me to wander through all the avenues of my life...why would I not care what happened with that after I died? And why would it ever be ok for my relatives to decide that for me?

You don't stop being the person you have been when you die. Your wishes should still be respected just as much as when you were alive.

I've had my funeral planned for a very long time, I think since I was about 18. Nothing has changed other than now not wanting to be embalmed so I don't poison the soil around me. Hymns and readings all sorted.

Ideally I'd be buried in the same church we were married in, but that depends if there are any plots available.

the most psychological bit of the funeral I think is the coffin going behind the curtain, or in the ground. I think it’s the bit where it really clicks they have gone.

Let them pay for it then!!!

My mum's was a couple of weeks ago. It was £3,500. We had the most basic coffin (which was really nice) and no bells and whistles or choices of stuff that we didn't feel the need to veer from the basics at all. Just a hearse with no following cars (which I hated with my father's funeral). We all just met at the crem. Had a celebrant who was lovely.

My friends cousin died in an accident (they were both in their 30s).
There was no funeral (his parents' choice) and my friend found that hugely difficult. She and the cousin were close, she was devastated, but there was no closure for her. It wasn't that she liked r idea of a funeral, but she needed that event to make it real and draw that line.

I felt for her but didn't quite understand what she meant at the time. But when my husband died, I understood it completely. I dreaded his funeral, but the event itself started the whole healing progress, and I felt that almost physically at the end of that day.

A wake alone wouldn't have worked for me. That might work if all your family and friends are local, social, and mostly know each other. But that didn't really apply to my family and friends, especially the distance thing.

Why does there need to be a funeral for closure. I can understand a burial as you see the coffin go bye bye. But with a cremation the coffin just sits in a back room
in line waiting to go. You could all go say goodbye in the funeral
Home and then off to the pub for sandwiches and photos with a cheers to Don’t’s Life.