Hello all,
My 6 year marriage is over. Finally. And I'm relieved....but I can't quite get my head around the fact that I feel this way.
He is emotionally abusive, controlling, lacks empathy, has me walking on egg shells. All he talks about is himself, very co dependant. Has narcissistic traits. Also a 'recovering' gambling addict.
I left him 2 years ago and ever since then we have been on/off trying to make it work. But in this time, I've had therapy, worked with woman's aid, joined a woman's charity where I've done courses on self esteem, anxiety, boundaries and more. Booked myself in to do a group Freedom programme course.
Despite staying with him while I was doing this, I am coming out of this marriage a different person to when I was in it.
It is definitely over this time. I have my own place now, he didn't have much stuff here but I've packed it all up and left it in a safe space outside for him to come and collect. My mum has stood by me through all of this and she says enough now and it is. She's right. She has always had a soft spot for exH. He's very charming at times but after his latest outburst she really now dislikes him.
Now I am having the odd wobble. The odd weak moment where I feel anxious and sick. The tears are still there but on the whole I feel ok. I'm able to just feel what I need to feel and move past it. He is not taking over as much head space as usual when we have separated before and I feel lighter. The future seems clear not uncertain.
Im not niggling to text him. When he's tried to speak to me about our marriage, I remain firm but sort of kind - I know from experience to not get angry at him because he will just give me a load of abuse so it's just not worth it. Also have to co parent with him. So I feel standing firm without an attitude is the way to go. But that feeling to want to know what's he's doing and where he is.....well it's just not really there.
What I'm worried about if anything is that it's all just going to hit me like a ton of bricks later on. That all of a sudden I'll feel that awful heart break and pain.
As he has narcissistic traits, he can't be alone. I'm pretty certain he's already got the next woman lined up. He won't admit this of course but there are signs there that he's speaking to other woman. The thought of this would of killed me. He started seeing someone when I left him the first time and the pain was unreal. He was trying to get me back but had her on the side. I felt like I had to know every little detail about their whole relationship. Now I honestly wouldn't be too bothered. It would sting but I know he won't change. He's had many many relationships in the past - I was just the only one daft enough to marry him! 
But then maybe I've already been through that part enough times now that it won't be like that this time. Maybe I've actually bloody done it and I am finally over it all!
The damage he has caused me is unreal. He can be so cruel and although I still have masses of work to do on myself, I just can't live a life with him anymore.
Am I actually over it? Has anyone else been through similar in an abusive relationship?
Sorry this is so long! I've done many posts about him before over the years. You have all always told me to leave. I wanted to listen so much but he would always suck me back in. This is the first time I'm ever posting where I feel I actually may have done it this time!