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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You are looking well"

203 replies

Nevermay · 10/08/2023 06:55

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

OP posts:
TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 10/08/2023 06:59

Their intention is well meant, they are trying to be kind,
Try to look at it that way.

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:00

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 10/08/2023 06:59

Their intention is well meant, they are trying to be kind,
Try to look at it that way.

I can't look at it that way, it isn't kind, it is bloody rude, intrusive and ignorant

OP posts:
CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 07:01

So sorry to hear about your cancer. I hope the treatment is going well for you.

I'm sure you know these people mean well, I understand you're not in the right place to hear it just now.

WandaWonder · 10/08/2023 07:01

Better no one speaks to you at all then in case it offends

ithinkhesawus · 10/08/2023 07:07

It's always when I've put on weight.

It annoys me too op

ithinkhesawus · 10/08/2023 07:07

Makes me think they are judging how shit I look the rest of the time

DilemmaDelilah · 10/08/2023 07:07

I get this, but for the opposite reason. Also cancer, started treatment less than 7 weeks ago and have lost at least 12kg. What they mean is that I have lost weight (I am still very fat) and yes, I have, but I also have no hair, and my skin is grey and flaking. I have lost weight because I find it difficult to eat much and I have had non-stop diarrhoea.
In your case I think there is a misconception that people undergoing cancer treatment are always thin. Not many people know about the steroids.

Vallmo47 · 10/08/2023 07:08

I’m not a fan of that phrase either OP.

I am sorry to hear you’re having a shit time.

user1471447924 · 10/08/2023 07:09

Yep, “You look well” pretty much universally means “You’ve got fat!” 🥴

DressQuery · 10/08/2023 07:10

I think you are being a bit unreasonable but, in the circumstances, I think you’re perfectly entitled to be unreasonable. I hope your treatment goes well.

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:10

WandaWonder · 10/08/2023 07:01

Better no one speaks to you at all then in case it offends

Exactly, which is why |I am spending all my time alone and avoiding people. It isn't great but I just can't cope with this stupid crap that comes spewing out of thoughtless friend's mouths.

Why can't people think before they open their mouths? How is it ok to be making any personal comments at all, just because I am ill. They wouldn't be making personal comments if I wasn't ill.

How can anyone, in this day and age, not know that this is absolutely the LAST thing any cancer sufferer want s to keep hearing. I would never have made such crass and insensitive comments to anyone

OP posts:
Remaker · 10/08/2023 07:11

I get it OP. Recently I had a relative (we were at a funeral of all places) insisting I looked ‘wonderful’. I tried to laugh it off by saying it didn’t feel so good from my POV but she was adamant. The following day I was admitted to hospital due to side effects of chemo. I had dragged myself out of bed for the funeral because it was for a much-loved uncle.

I’ve also lost a lot of weight due to my cancer and treatment and people find it impossible not to comment on that. They think they’re being nice but there is really no scenario in which I would choose to have cancer in order to be slim.

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:12

Thank you for those of you who understand. Sorry to those of you going through similar.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 10/08/2023 07:15

I’m sorry it upsets you OP. I’d honestly never heard of this meaning “you look fat” until I read similar threads on MN. Blush

Noorandapples · 10/08/2023 07:18

It's a way of greeting someone in a polite manner. Not everything is an analysis of your situation.

OrangePippa · 10/08/2023 07:18

I’m going through chemo and have had these comments too but they’re not related to weight as my weight has barely changed. I think people are genuinely surprised that I don’t look awful, and are trying to reassure me that even though they know I don’t feel well, I actually still look ok. I quite like it!

ChurlishGreen · 10/08/2023 07:19

I hear you, OP. A friend of mine nearly throttled the twelfth person at a wedding to say she looked ‘blooming’ for the same reason.

And like pps, I had people commenting approvingly on my weight loss, despite the fact that the knew it was because of serious illness, because I had literally just told them. I mean, there’s something very fucked up about significant numbers of people unable to detach their social approval of thinness from illness!

Lostinplaces · 10/08/2023 07:20

Oh fuck. Have I accidentally been insinuating that people have gotten fat?!! Seriously mortified 😳😳😳

Lostinplaces · 10/08/2023 07:20

just remembered people have also said this to me…😫

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:22

Noorandapples · 10/08/2023 07:18

It's a way of greeting someone in a polite manner. Not everything is an analysis of your situation.

rubbish, nobody ever said that to me in my life until I got cancer. It is a stupid, pointless phrase trivialising everything cancer patients go through, is spoken in utter ignorance by people who are not in any way qualified to judge if someone is well or not, and is hated by everyone.

When I first had cancer and heard other patients complaining about this phrase, I didn't understand how distressing it is, now I do.

It is an utterly vile thing to say

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 10/08/2023 07:22

I wonder why they say it. Is it because they had expected you to lose a lot of weight due to cancer treatment

Sounds really tough situation. Perhaps helpful to rehearse a reply in advance

Good luck with your treatment

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:24

Now I've got to gather myself together, somehow dredge up the courage and go and face the highstreet bus stop and try not to smash anyone in the face that says this to me on the way.

OP posts:
honeyrain · 10/08/2023 07:25

I think it's awful you're going through chemo and I'm sorry to hear this.

Anyone that says "you look well" are not intentionally bring crass or insensitive.

ithinkhesawus · 10/08/2023 07:26

Lostinplaces · 10/08/2023 07:20

Oh fuck. Have I accidentally been insinuating that people have gotten fat?!! Seriously mortified 😳😳😳

Yes

currentusernsme · 10/08/2023 07:27

I have probably said this to people before but genuinely, it's said because I mean it - I really do think they look lovely.

I'm not saying 'you look better than I thought you would' or 'you look a mess the rest of the time', or 'you've gained weight', I mean genuinely what I say, 'you look lovely/nice/great dress etc'.

Probably best to just not compliment people? I'd hate to think I was causing offence.