"You are looking well"

[Nevermay]

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

I've been having it said to me a lot as I e lost weight. I don't think it's meant badly well certainly not to me

Respectfully OP, you are obviously going through a very difficult time and clearly aren’t in a great place mentally (which is 100% understandable), but you are projecting here. People aren’t out to cause you harm or offence. People aren’t out to get you, or make you feel so bad that you feel the need to become a recluse etc. that’s just not real. Things happen in life, to all of us, but the way that we react to them can make our lives easier or harder. you are sick right now, and when people tell you you look well you could just be honest and say ‘I don’t feel it!’ If you feel the need. You don’t need to spare others feelings, or be so angry about people trying to (perhaps awkwardly) make small talk. I wish you well.

I agree with this and hate it when people say it to me.
Sorry to hear about your cancer op l hope the treatment is successful xx

I think it's exactly this.

My relative looked really healthy when going through chemo (despite the hair loss) and it never failed to surprise me. It was only when they got up to walk I could see the toll it was taking on them. But I'd have said they looked well too.

It was surprising and as the above quoted poster states, people mean it as in "my God, I thought you were gonna look absolutely shocking and you dont"

We don’t need people to acknowledge that we’re ill.

We are very, very well aware that we are ill ourselves.

What would be nice is to be treated in the same way we were treated before we got ill.

If you wouldn’t say “you’re looking well” to another friend you see, don’t say it to us either.

Also, saying "you look well" does not mean "you look fat". That's just what people who are insecure about their weight think.

It is clumsy. I’ve never had the experience so no idea how I’d feel in your position. One thing I read on here in relation to both serious illness and bereavement is to still say hello if you would have before. For some people it’s worse if people cross the road in case they offend the bereaved or ill person.
If someone is really ill then saying generic how are you seems wrong unless I genuinely have time to listen to an answer.

So in a situation where I little small talk is expected beyond hello what any suggestions on things to say or definitively not to say to someone with cancer or serious illness?

I live in Northern Ireland and the other day my CEO told my my slide deck "looks well". I guess it's too fat? Definitely a regional thing in some cases! Looks well is used all the time here (but I still don't really know what it means ...)

We say this all the time here, nothing to do with weight. It means you look radiant, healthy, rested here. SW.

In your case op it would be said in an acknowledged way - yes it’s terrible you have cancer but you look better than we expected.

You have every right to feel miserable and would tell them how you feel. Then they will know to choose different words. I am sorry it’s so rubbish for you

It means you look well. Nothing more to it than that.

Your symptoms sound horrific, OP, but if they have no idea you are suffering this way then how can they be blind and stupid.
You feel shit and you think you look shit but others don’t know you feel so shit and perhaps don’t think you look shit either.

Gosh, I heard this a lot during chemo and other treatments and it never occurred to me to feel offended. Most times I had made an effort to ‘look well’ or at least as reasonable as I could. In reality I looked like an egg but I always took it in the spirit in which it was intended.

People struggle with how to speak about/around serious illness. They are trying to say the right thing and failing. Why not tell them this nicely and explain to them how it makes you feel. They are your friends so not presumably not doing it to make you feel shit - if they continue doing it after you have told them to please not say that then fair enough.

I'm sorry you are having such an awful time and wish you a full recovery x

I think some honesty on your part would be best placed.

’well? I honestly feel dreadful’

Then you will elicit a more compassionate response. Many patients with cancer prefer not to talk about it at all, it’s challenging to know what to say sometimes.

I'm really sorry, OP, that you're having such a tough time with your health.

In NI 'You're looking well' is said all the time. It's almost part of the standard greeting. And it absolutely doesn't mean anything except what it sounds like. No implications of weight gain or any such thing. There have been a few threads on Mumsnet about this phrase and it interests me how it can have such negative connotations, depending on where you live.

Just speaking for myself but it meant a lot to me if people asked how I was doing when going through chemo. I found that people who would just ask that automatically in normal times stopped asking, because they thought it was intrusive or a stupid question, but it left me feeling so so lonely and that no one cared about what was happening to me.

I've had this with crohns disease. When it flares up, food doesn't get digested properly and just goes straight through me as chronic diarrhoea. I lose a lot of weight and I'm in a lot of pain.

People ask my secret to losing weight and even when I say I'm literally shitting my insides out, they say they wish they had crohns to lose weight. It really annoys me.

Given you've just mentioned you hope someone doesnt say it to you at the bus stop, how do people know you're seriously ill?

I do get what you are saying but OP probably doesn't have the spare energy to educate everyone who says this to her at the moment. Sorry, don't mean to speak for you OP, probably more projecting my own stuff!

It is an utterly vile thing to say

🙄

I’ve definitely said this to people before and genuinely just thought they looked good. That’s all.

People (all of us!) say all manner of things and it’s probably best to take it at face value, if it’s from your friends they are just being nice.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

people are anxious if they meet those with cancer.
it is just a phrase

I have had this all the time from acquaintances since I was diagnosed with MS a couple of years ago. I think they expect me to be in a wheelchair by now, which is always a cheering thought! Sorry you're dealing with this OP. I hope the treatment is successful.

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I’ve had cancer and chemo but I guess everyone is different in how they deal with things and we have a right to deal with it our own way.

For me it actually helped when people said I looked well and it gave me a lift and I felt very happy about it but we all deal with it our own way. I wish you all the best.

Because you read something on MN does not mean it is true.

if someone says you look well I don’t read that far into it.