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AIBU?

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Original poster

"You are looking well"

203 replies

Nevermay · 10/08/2023 06:55

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

OP posts:
Thisismyartform · 10/08/2023 09:51

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2023 09:47

There's always, "Hello X, how nice to see you." That is polite and wouldn't offend.

Why must people be so crass as to make personal comments all the time? Unforgiveable when it's a friend who presumably knows of an illness. People can be so dumb and unthinking at times.

OP, sorry to read your post and that of others also suffering. I get it.

Show quote history

Some people would be offended that you were ignoring the illness and not asking about it. I think a pp on this thread said this too. As I said, there is literally nothing you can say, or not say, that won’t cause offense to someone.

Also, ‘how nice to see you’ does not open a conversation. People need to ask questions to start a conversation.

HaIIie · 10/08/2023 09:51

@persister saying "you look well" is a bit different to the comments you describe. Directly commenting on someone's weight is very different to a general term of you look well. I'm not saying either is right, but they are not the same for comparison.

NeedToChangeName · 10/08/2023 09:52

currentusernsme · 10/08/2023 07:27

I have probably said this to people before but genuinely, it's said because I mean it - I really do think they look lovely.

I'm not saying 'you look better than I thought you would' or 'you look a mess the rest of the time', or 'you've gained weight', I mean genuinely what I say, 'you look lovely/nice/great dress etc'.

Probably best to just not compliment people? I'd hate to think I was causing offence.

@currentusernsme if someone looks unwell and you say they look well, I can see they could easily be offended or upset

If you mean "I love the dress", better to say so

Elieenmorrigan · 10/08/2023 09:54

ithinkhesawus · 10/08/2023 07:07

It's always when I've put on weight.

It annoys me too op

Me too.

"You're looking bonny !" is the one I get - arrrghhhh !

ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 09:55

Cigarettesandbooze · 10/08/2023 07:55

Gosh, I heard this a lot during chemo and other treatments and it never occurred to me to feel offended. Most times I had made an effort to ‘look well’ or at least as reasonable as I could. In reality I looked like an egg but I always took it in the spirit in which it was intended.

It didn't even occur to the op to be offended by it until other people told her they were offended by it.

and no it doesn't mean fat either

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2023 09:56

Thisismyartform · 10/08/2023 09:51

Some people would be offended that you were ignoring the illness and not asking about it. I think a pp on this thread said this too. As I said, there is literally nothing you can say, or not say, that won’t cause offense to someone.

Also, ‘how nice to see you’ does not open a conversation. People need to ask questions to start a conversation.

Show quote history

'You look well', is not a question. It is a personal opinion.

If it were somebody I don't see often, a colleague or somebody I vaguely know, there's not a chance I would make a personal observation. That is crass.

If it were a friend, I wouldn't either because I would know how shit it is to be told, 'you look well', when presumably I would know that they weren't.

Argue all you like but if you're one of the 'you look well' crowd then be told how it makes people feel and stop it.

FoodCentre · 10/08/2023 09:57

Some people would be offended that you were ignoring the illness and not asking about it.

Fully agree. The thing about stress is it makes us irritable. So:

Saying 'op, you look unwell, are you ok?' would be upsetting because now you've reminded her of her illness.

Saying 'op, you look lovely' downplays her illness.

You can't win.

VeridicalVagabond · 10/08/2023 09:59

How strange, is this a regional thing? Because "you look very well!" is quite a common thing to say around here as far as I'm aware, and is not exclusively aimed at the unwell. Or maybe I'm just fat and everyone is letting me know lmao.

Regardless I'm sorry for what you're going through OP. I think humans are just awkward and scared in the face of illness and don't know how to respond or what to say. My dad has a terminal wasting illness and he gets all sorts of weird comments from people about it. It's like our social skills malfunction when faced with serious illness, but that's no excuse for being thoughtless.

FoodCentre · 10/08/2023 10:00

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe You wouldn't even tel your firmed that they look well? I'm not someone who says this myself, but come on. Every teeny weeny interaction is so difficult because someone might take it the wrong way.

Boobsallgone21 · 10/08/2023 10:05

Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. I also had cancer and all the rubbish that goes with the treatment including steroids. I hated it when people said you look well when they knew what I was going through and I looked and felt awful. Try not to isolate yourself but perhaps only see people who can understand and are supportive not insensitive and stupid. Wishing you strength to get through each day x

Gnomegnomegnome · 10/08/2023 10:07

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 10/08/2023 08:02

I've had this with crohns disease. When it flares up, food doesn't get digested properly and just goes straight through me as chronic diarrhoea. I lose a lot of weight and I'm in a lot of pain.

People ask my secret to losing weight and even when I say I'm literally shitting my insides out, they say they wish they had crohns to lose weight. It really annoys me.

I don’t have crohns but have the same chronic diarrhoea and weight loss and get the same.

When people say that I look well I’m quite blunt and say yes, I’ve stopped shitting out everything that I eat.

graceinspace999 · 10/08/2023 10:09

MiddleParking · 10/08/2023 08:35

It isn’t even remotely “an utterly vile thing to say” or “the single most offensive thing you can say”, how ridiculous. And saying ‘try listening to the chat on a chemo ward’ doesn’t mean you’re automatically right - realistically most adults these days IME will have had a loved one go through chemotherapy. I certainly have and I’ve never known anyone be as hostile as you sound. If you really think it’s better that no one speak to you at all then be careful what you wish for.

Do you think she could be venting here?

I don’t see the need to be nasty to her.

Many cancer patients feel angry, they just hide it from the non-grownups who prefer sick people to pretend to be sweetness and light.

WantingToEducate · 10/08/2023 10:13

Toughsteak · 10/08/2023 09:50

I like the phrase. It means I look healthy

Exactly.

So it’s probably the exact opposite to how someone with cancer, and who is undergoing Chemo looks or feels 🙄

As a previous poster had said, it’s best not to comment on someone’s appearance at all.

Rather than focus about what the term means to you, spare a thought for what it might mean to the person you’re saying it to and whether it’s something they’re going to want to hear.

Pickledpigeon · 10/08/2023 10:18

I use it to mean someone genuinely looks well, not fatter.
I don’t think it’s something I would say to someone I knew with a serious illness, but can imagine people are just trying to be positive for the recipient, or at the very least trying to think of something to say. Would you prefer people to just avoid you ?

graceinspace999 · 10/08/2023 10:25

currentusernsme · 10/08/2023 08:09

Can I ask OP (or otters in this situation) if the phrase is upsetting because on some level it feels like the person is trying to gloss over or minimise how you're really feeling? Sort of like when people ask how you're doing but they don't actually REALLY want to know all your crap?

I am quite puzzled by this because as I said, for me when I say it, it's a genuine compliment and if the person wants to tell me what they're really going through, I want to hear that too.

I can’t speak for the OP but for me you have hit the nail on the head.

There are more people out there saying ‘you look well,’ than they’re are asking ‘how are you?’

I find it dismissive as if they don’t want to really hear how I am.

There is a lot of fear around cancer and a lot of people will try and avoid the reality of it.

The OP is correct in that many cancer sufferers or survivors will discuss this with bitterness, gallows humour and even, hostility.

Not everyone takes the Pollyanna approach.

Wearealldoingourbest · 10/08/2023 10:45

Abra1t · 10/08/2023 08:14

I made a point of telling my terminally ill friend that she looked gorgeous or beautiful. She did. Her appearance mattered a lot to her and a time when her body was out of control, she was hanging on to her standards of grooming.

Exactly this! OP what you're going through sounds devastatingly hard; really awful. I can understand you being angry at the circumstances. But I think being angry at people who are trying to be polite or encouraging is not justified. People where I am say you look well often, and it literally means "you look well", you look good/nice/no negative change in your appearance since I last saw you. If my friends know the other person is having a tough time, they tend to emphasise this comment as a show of support. I heard it a lot after suffering a serious back injury, and it generally me feel a bit less crappy even if I didn't believe it was 100% accurate.
If this comment makes you feel worse I'd just tell people that if I were you. It isn't something people can be expected to know by themselves.

Barbaquequeen · 10/08/2023 10:49

I agree with you 100%
was in a similar situation with a colleague and it felt fake and patronising

Moonberri · 10/08/2023 11:02

I think unless you have been through cancer or a similar serious illness its hard to understand how things like this can actually feel devastating.

Another one is saying things about "fighting" cancer, being strong or "beating it". I had loads of people tell me that as if I could simply overcome cancer by some will of strength. No. I survived because it was caught it time before it spread and I had an amazing surgeon. Nothing to do with my strength of mind. Saying these things suggests that people with more serious forms of cancer or those who end up dying didn't fight hard enough.

It might not seem like a big deal to those of you who haven't been through it. But try having a bit of empathy and seeking to understand what it actually feels like to be a cancer patient. No one wants to be that person.

Teaandbiscuits60 · 10/08/2023 11:22

I’ve had 2 strokes and my speech is affected badly and when I have visitors first off they are NOT invited and secondly they make fun of my speech! Say I sound drunk or imitating me! It’s so bloody disrespectful! Hubby is now not going to let people in. I see my children and grandchildren but seeing people causes fatigue which is hard to recover. These are not people who are close friends. I think they are of the mindset ‘ you’ve taken long enough not seeing people I’M COMING! So for themselves! Stroke recovery is complex be aware and wait until I’m well enough! Hubby now is deterring people visiting if they turn up by not bringing in the house and taking them in the garage.

TakeNoNoticeoftheNoise · 10/08/2023 11:22

Sorry you're unwell OP.

It is difficult to know what to say and we end up saying something that's meant to be nice - unbeknown the terminally offended take offence at even a nice comment.

Having a serious illness does not give you a licence to be rude and unpleasant.

Toughsteak · 10/08/2023 11:34

Yes I'm
Sorry you are unwell too OP. I get where you are coming from but I interpret people trying to say something kind, even though you are going through a tough time they are saying you still look good.

My grandfather used to say to me I looked disgustingly healthy. He meant it in a kind way, but I know some would take offence and think it meant they were fat.

Vegetus · 10/08/2023 11:44

ChurlishGreen · 10/08/2023 08:12

But if you read it frequently on a site with huge numbers of users, then I would say it’s more a matter of a widespread perception/association you’d be unwise to ignore if you want to avoid offending or hurting people unnecessarily.

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This is a site where some people think a chicken can feed a family of 4 for a week. I'd take it all with a kilogram of salt.

MiddleParking · 10/08/2023 12:24

graceinspace999 · 10/08/2023 10:09

Do you think she could be venting here?

I don’t see the need to be nasty to her.

Many cancer patients feel angry, they just hide it from the non-grownups who prefer sick people to pretend to be sweetness and light.

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You reckon the grown up perspective is the one that sees no nuance or middle ground between ‘sweetness and light’ and ‘“you look well” is vile and the single most offensive thing someone can say to a poorly friend’ Hmm

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 12:58

For goodness sake. Are you just looking for things to be angry about? It's a nice thing to say when they know you're Ill. It's meant sincerely and is to give you a boost stop being so cranky 🤣

gawditswindy · 10/08/2023 13:16

If someone tells me I look well I'd take it as a compliment.

If I tell someone else they look well I'd mean it as a compliment.

Do people honestly think that their friends are insulting them when they say they're looking well?