"You are looking well"

[Nevermay]

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

Can I ask OP (or otters in this situation) if the phrase is upsetting because on some level it feels like the person is trying to gloss over or minimise how you're really feeling? Sort of like when people ask how you're doing but they don't actually REALLY want to know all your crap?

I am quite puzzled by this because as I said, for me when I say it, it's a genuine compliment and if the person wants to tell me what they're really going through, I want to hear that too.

Ive lost a huge amount of weight and people say this to me now all the time.

Ive never associated it with fatness

How can anyone, in this day and age, not know that this is absolutely the LAST thing any cancer sufferer want s to keep hearing.

I'm really sorry for how you're feeling op. We all get like this sometimes. But you can't expect people to know not to say this, it's just a normal greeting.

Maybe talk to them about why you're upset. They won't say it again and you'll get it off your chest.

But if you read it frequently on a site with huge numbers of users, then I would say it’s more a matter of a widespread perception/association you’d be unwise to ignore if you want to avoid offending or hurting people unnecessarily.

I made a point of telling my terminally ill friend that she looked gorgeous or beautiful. She did. Her appearance mattered a lot to her and a time when her body was out of control, she was hanging on to her standards of grooming.

**Others not otters 🙄

I would hobble a bit as you approach people - and look in pain (maybe taking it a bit far).
I remember pushing my elderly DM in her wheelchair - she was on something, might have been steroids, which gave her puffy red cheeks, everyone ooing and aahing that she looked well, mind you she quite liked the attention.

Maybe you should seek therapy for your aggression, I say that as someone on high steroids and chronically ill.

People don't know what to say, and yes you probably feel invalidated that they don't think you are unwell, they probably do think you look like shit but just aren't going to say it.

Ps steroids can make you aggressive with mood swings so sometimes I think to myself, is it me?

Same here.

It's a regional thing. It was a common expression where I grew up. It's a pleasantry and I've used it many times. If someone has said it to you then they were almost certainly trying to be nice and not unkind. I'm really sorry you are unwell and suffering but I doubt anyone was trying to be anything other than pleasant to you.

Of course it's a stupid think to say how can you possibly look "well" when you are so poorly. Ugh. Don't blame you for keeping away from them OP.

I disagree, it's not an utterly vile thing to say.

A bit thoughtless possibly but not vile.

I've just finished chemo, starting to meet up with a few people I've not seen for ages and yes most do say this at some point. I think that they have been worried about me, worried to see me and what I might look like and in a way it's a bit of a relief to them that I look ok.

Yes, it's superficial and they don't know what's going on really but it's not intended to hurt. Try not to take it too seriously, we all need friends especially when going through hard times like this, so don't struggle on alone.

Take care and really hope your treatment is successful

Yea this is the sentiment I think is behind it

That is different. 1. You know her. 2. You aren't telling her she looks well.

I tell people they look well if they have that glow about them. That can be looking well rested, tanned or just happy.

It's well meant I can assure you.

Those that are offended, well it says more about you and where you're at.

I tell people they look well if they have that glow about them. That can be looking well rested, tanned or just happy.

And do you think this is how someone with cancer and having Chemo is looking or feeling?

A previous poster said that to her the term “you look well” means that someone looks bright, happy and radiant”

And again, I’m guessing that someone in OP’s position isn’t looking like that either.

It’s so patronising to be told we look well when we know we aren’t well, and usually the person saying it knows we are not well either and that we certainly don’t have a glow about us or feel radiant.

I stopped commenting on people’s appearance when I realized how much I hated it when people commented on mine. Good or bad, just stop saying stuff about how people look! I will comment on something bought, if I truly like it, ‘that’s a lovely top’ etc

It isn’t even remotely “an utterly vile thing to say” or “the single most offensive thing you can say”, how ridiculous. And saying ‘try listening to the chat on a chemo ward’ doesn’t mean you’re automatically right - realistically most adults these days IME will have had a loved one go through chemotherapy. I certainly have and I’ve never known anyone be as hostile as you sound. If you really think it’s better that no one speak to you at all then be careful what you wish for.

Exactly. It’s not generic, and you were responding to her specific needs.

@crossstitchingnana, I think it says far more about you that, now that you’re aware that a significant percentage of people experience this phrase negatively, you still defend its use as ‘well-meant’.

The only time my (former) boss told me, "You look well", was when I returned to work after the summer holiday. I work term time so have quite a long break from work over the summer. I had put on about half a stone but I am short so it shows a lot when I put on weight.
I knew exactly what my boss was meaning here. She has a VERY fake and passive aggressive personality and it was definitely meant that she had noticed I had put on weight and this was her way of commenting on this.
I am not oversensitive to being told I look well but it is about the context here. It can mean healthy but unfortunately it can also say that you look larger!

Even I didn't understand the strength of feeling about it at first, although I would never have been so crass as to say it to anyone, even before I had cancer. It is obviously rude and insensitive.

I completely understand that you are going through a terrible time at the moment but even you admit that you didn't understand the strength of feeling about this phrase until you were living though this experience.

People are not being rude or insensitive, they're just trying to say something nice.

Where I'm from 'you look well' genuinely means that you look nice. There is no hidden meaning behind it.

I’ll disregard your comment too then shall I?

My friends did this too, op. It was because if I looked healthy they found it easier to convince themselves that I was going to be ok. It’s because they cared, not because they didn’t.

when I’ve occasionally said it to a good friend, I’ve always meant that they look refreshed, they had had lots of sleep after awful insomnia. Not double speak for putting weight on, although reading these comments it seems it’s used that way by some. Telling someone who is undergoing cancer treatment they look well is incredibly insensitive but probably well meaning.

I've been there and I understand it's upsetting at the time. Wait for the equally crass congratulations on being pregnant when it's a steroid Pooh bear belly and you just say I'm fat, rather than what I wanted to say was I can't have any more children the chemo stopped that and it's immersed me into medical menopause.

All the best with your treatment op.