Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You are looking well"

203 replies

Nevermay · 10/08/2023 06:55

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:29

currentusernsme · 10/08/2023 07:27

I have probably said this to people before but genuinely, it's said because I mean it - I really do think they look lovely.

I'm not saying 'you look better than I thought you would' or 'you look a mess the rest of the time', or 'you've gained weight', I mean genuinely what I say, 'you look lovely/nice/great dress etc'.

Probably best to just not compliment people? I'd hate to think I was causing offence.

If you are saying that to seriously ill people then I guarantee you are causing offense.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 10/08/2023 07:30

Oh fuck. Have I accidentally been insinuating that people have gotten fat?!!Seriously mortified 😳😳😳
On here I've seen people claim it also means you think the person looks a mess normally, that they've gained weight, that you're surprised they look ok and other big leaps.

I'd never heard of this untill reading it on here. It's filed in the "weird leaps some Mumsnetters make" box for me.

ithinkhesawus · 10/08/2023 07:30

I think possibly it's because they don't want to believe you're ill, and are trying to reassure themselves that you look healthy. (I say you here, I mean one, me, whoever it is)

Curlyandginger · 10/08/2023 07:31

What do people mean when they say 'you're lovely'? I've had a few of those this year.. I'm taking it to mean slightly overweight but nice enough person!!

Vegetus · 10/08/2023 07:31

You look well doesn't mean you look fat as far as I'm concerned. If I thought someone looked fatter than last time I wouldn't comment on their appearance, to me you look well means just that.

In your scenario people are probably expecting you to look what to them would be a cancer sufferer so when you don't fit their stereotype they're surprised I guess.

DaisyChayne · 10/08/2023 07:33

I was out with my sister the other day and she kept telling people we met that they were looking well. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. She had no idea that people assume you mean they are fat when you say that. She genuinely thought they were looking good. I still haven’t told her but I think I will today because she is going around offending people and she doesn’t know she is doing it.

Perhaps they are not commenting on your weight at all. If they know you have been unwell they might sincerely be pleased to see you doing so well.

Mumteedum · 10/08/2023 07:33

I'm sorry @Nevermay . People are clumsy and can be thoughtless. I lost my Dad suddenly earlier this year and couldn't believe some of the things people came out with.

It is a shit phrase really. Made me think of this, which I saw the other day.

"You are looking well"
LolaSmiles · 10/08/2023 07:33

What do people mean when they say 'you're lovely'? I've had a few of those this year.. I'm taking it to mean slightly overweight but nice enough person!!
I'd honestly take it at face value. Most people are sincere and are trying to be nice. They think you're a lovely person.

landoflostcontent · 10/08/2023 07:34

In a similar position here 😕I have lovely pink cheeks (thanks to the chemo flush) I haven't lost my hair and at the end of the "You are looking well" I hear a tiny unspoken "can't be too much wrong with you" Hope you manage the bus stop OK today without too many fatalities 😆

Vegetus · 10/08/2023 07:35

DaisyChayne · 10/08/2023 07:33

I was out with my sister the other day and she kept telling people we met that they were looking well. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. She had no idea that people assume you mean they are fat when you say that. She genuinely thought they were looking good. I still haven’t told her but I think I will today because she is going around offending people and she doesn’t know she is doing it.

Perhaps they are not commenting on your weight at all. If they know you have been unwell they might sincerely be pleased to see you doing so well.

I don't know anyone in the real world who gets offended by "you look well" it's just the strange world of Mumsnet where it's an issue.

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:40

DaisyChayne · 10/08/2023 07:33

I was out with my sister the other day and she kept telling people we met that they were looking well. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. She had no idea that people assume you mean they are fat when you say that. She genuinely thought they were looking good. I still haven’t told her but I think I will today because she is going around offending people and she doesn’t know she is doing it.

Perhaps they are not commenting on your weight at all. If they know you have been unwell they might sincerely be pleased to see you doing so well.

doing so well as what? They have no idea that my toenails are all hanging off, my ankles are so swollen I can't walk up and down stairs, I have permanent stomach ache, I am losing my sight, I can no longer tolerate gluten or lactose or acidic fruit, or alcohol, or red meat, I can't move without muscles aching, I can't sleep because I am on too many stimulants, I am vomiting twice a day, I am incontinent, etc etc etc

But these people are "pleased to see me doing so well"???? they are blind and stupid

OP posts:
Moneynewpence · 10/08/2023 07:41

user1471447924 · 10/08/2023 07:09

Yep, “You look well” pretty much universally means “You’ve got fat!” 🥴

No it doesn't. Blimey people are touchy these days. OP, I get that the reality for you is very different but unless they definitely know about the meds what should they say?

ithinkhesawus · 10/08/2023 07:41

Moneynewpence · 10/08/2023 07:41

No it doesn't. Blimey people are touchy these days. OP, I get that the reality for you is very different but unless they definitely know about the meds what should they say?

Show quote history

Hello, how are you?

Redwinestillfine · 10/08/2023 07:42

Another here that genuinely says it to mean the person looks good as opposed to tired etc. What should we say? Great?

Redwinestillfine · 10/08/2023 07:43

Also- who comments on someone else's weight? That's just weird.

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:44

Vegetus · 10/08/2023 07:35

I don't know anyone in the real world who gets offended by "you look well" it's just the strange world of Mumsnet where it's an issue.

Show quote history

well, try listening to the chat on a chemo ward then, it is the single most offensive thing you can say. Even I didn't understand the strength of feeling about it at first, although I would never have been so crass as to say it to anyone, even before I had cancer. It is obviously rude and insensitive, I just didn't realise how deeply upsetting it would be, after the first 4 operations, when you have been hacked to bits and are being comprehensively poisoned, and after the first 100 or so times you have heard it

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 10/08/2023 07:44

I had no idea that it meant you look fat, until I read it here. I’m not sure it’s a thing in the real world, everyone I know takes it in the nice way it was intended.

IncognitoMam · 10/08/2023 07:44

Just blank them or say "Well I'm not".

I hope things improve soon, sounds dreadful.

AgnesX · 10/08/2023 07:44

People don't know what to say and often think that anything is better than nothing. It's an acknowledgement that you're ill..

Damned if they do, damned if they don't.

Original poster
Nevermay · 10/08/2023 07:45

Moneynewpence · 10/08/2023 07:41

No it doesn't. Blimey people are touchy these days. OP, I get that the reality for you is very different but unless they definitely know about the meds what should they say?

Show quote history

What should they say? How about not making any personal comments at all

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 10/08/2023 07:45

Beefcurtains79 · 10/08/2023 07:44

I had no idea that it meant you look fat, until I read it here. I’m not sure it’s a thing in the real world, everyone I know takes it in the nice way it was intended.

Same, I'm wondering if it's regional?

Vegetus · 10/08/2023 07:45

IncognitoMam · 10/08/2023 07:45

Same, I'm wondering if it's regional?

Show quote history

It's not regional, it's mental.

DaisyChayne · 10/08/2023 07:46

OP, can I ask a friendly question? What would you like them to say. I think people would feel awkward to not say anything. Language people use is often a gesture of kindness or connection. It feels as though everything your acquaintances say could offend you yet we do have to try to connect, don’t we? Do you have any advice for those of us who may have friends in your situation. How should we greet them when we meet them? Just saying “hello” feels terse and rude. “How are you doing?” might feel intrusive. What do you advise?

WantingToEducate · 10/08/2023 07:47

I haven’t been in your health situation OP, but due to hearing a lot of trite speeches and comments from others regarding the health situation I’m currently in, I 100% understand.

I feel like punching people sometimes!

I bite my tongue because I try to remember they’re just trying to be kind and their words are coming from a good place BUT inside I’m wanting to scream “FUCK OFF!!!!”

Instead I just smile and inwardly roll my eyes and escape as soon as I can.

I hear you OP!

ChaToilLeam · 10/08/2023 07:48

It is a trite phrase but what should people say instead?