"You are looking well"

[Nevermay]

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

Not as serious as cancer but several years ago I was extremely unwell with the skin peeling off my hands and feet - I went down to a size 6. Very skeletal for me. I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed and spend time with my baby. My friend told me I was a lucky thing for losing so much weight.
I can't imagine how I would feel in your situation. Really upsetting. Sending you a hug.

Also only found out recently what this is supposed to mean - always used it to comment on someone looking nice or wearing something I liked. Or sometimes just as a conversation filler.

It means ‘well fed’ as in, fat

Me too. I was thin when I was going through chemo but I seem to be an anomaly because people telling me I looked well really uplifted me. One person said to me you’d think i had only had the flu (because she thought I looked well even though I was having chemo) and I loved that she said that. Maybe I’m weird.

Honestly in no universe is telling someone they look well 'utterly vile"

Can you not just say, ‘I know you mean well, but I find that phrase upsetting at the moment and I’d be grateful if you didn’t say it again.’

People often rely on pat phrases in situations where they find it difficult to know what to say, like serious illness and death.

Your friends think this is the sort of encouraging thing to say to someone who is ill. They are wrong in your case but they won’t know unless you tell them.

Hope your treatment goes well.

If you are saying that to seriously ill people then I guarantee you are causing offense”

I’m not sure that’s true. As a former cancer patient, I would not have been offended. It’s sometimes difficult to know what to say to someone who is very ill. I would rather have had that than someone crossing the street.

Everyone is different though. All the best.

In your opinion.

Well to be fair, not all of them will be. Me and others on this thread, for example.

You - person I can see.
Look - I perceive with my eyes.
Well - healthy, happy or otherwise pleasant.

Are there any other scenarios where well means fat, just for my own reference?

Is the new job going fat?
Do I want my steak fat done?
Am I fat tired?

(I don't say it to people because I don't make personal comments, but I've never understood it that way.)

If you want 🤷🏻‍♀️

the level of hysteria on MN about really common phrases is unbelievable.

The world of the perpetually offended.

Agree. Also a former cancer patient and I didn’t mind the people who said that or similar as they were being kind (I knew i looked shit but didn’t need it pointing out to me). The one I used to turn on my heel and walk away from was the person who stood there hand wringing and saying “it’s so awful”.

the treatments are terrible, so I hope you feel better soon OP

Oh for goodness, sake it’s not about ‘educating’ ( that terrible modern phrase).

I have read enough threads like this to know there is absolutely nothing that someone can do, or say, or not do, or not say, which won’t cause offense to someone, somewhere.

Which means the recipient has a choice of (a) living in constant rage (b) accepting the person meant well even if the comment touched a nerve (c) letting the person know you’d rather they didn’t say that and why.

Sadly the onus is on the I’ll/ bereaved person to choose their response as the other person simply cannot know how their comment, or lack of comment, is being received.

I've heard this said in many situations, and not one of them has ever meant the person is fat! That's definitely a weird Mumsnet thing. I've heard it said after someone has lost a loved one, been ill, recovering, not recovering and so on. Its not a phrase I say at all, but when I've heard it said I've always thought people say it because you are looking better than they expected. My DH has cancer and had an operation recently and I heard this said to him a few times.....maybe its a regional thing on how people take it?

NotSorry

”The one I used to turn on my heel and walk away from was the person who stood there hand wringing and saying “it’s so awful”.”

God yes, this. Received a letter from one woman telling me how brave I’d been, that she couldn’t have coped and honestly didn’t know how she would have carried on losing a breast”

Well thanks for that, love 😁 just replied could have been worse, they could have chopped a leg off!

Yes you are being unreasonable but as you are going through a tough time it can be excused. But please take it as well meaning and caring. It doesn't mean you look fat at all ( who even thinks that) it means you are not looking rough. Surely it is better than people ignoring you?

Not comparable I know, but when I was 17 I got glandular fever and completely lost my appetite and energy. I was very unwell with it, had to take time off from studying, and dropped a lot of weight. I didn't look healthy or bonny.

When I went back to my Saturday job at a dept store, I was on the changing rooms, and a woman came out and told to me that it was alright for me, 'because I was so slim'. I replied that it was actually because I'd been quite ill. Her reply, 'ahh 'poor' you' in a tone that implied I was very lucky, and somehow also managed to convey that teenagers can't get ill.
Stupid, stupid comment.

The one I used to turn on my heel and walk away from was the person who stood there hand wringing and saying “it’s so awful”.

And that person might have thought they were validating your reality, and not forcing you into relentless positivity, and giving you the space to talk about the hard stuff. ( Or they may have just been focusing on how it makes them feel!)

Thing is, you just don’t know what someone’s motivation is. But if they are friends and acquaintances, the probably mean well and a bit of guidance as to what you would actually find helpful would not go amiss.

Shit didn't know you look well means you're fat?!?! I told my friend it the other day because her skin was glowing and she looked amazing

It doesn't. It's made up MN nonsense.

It is an utterly vile thing to say

That strikes me as a massive overreaction, but you're entitled to feel how you feel.

I'm sure the person saying it is trying to be nice to you and show support, they're clearly not looking to offend you.

@currentusernsme the fat implications hadn't occurred to me but yes, a tiny bit of me hears a slight suspicion of malingering. I think it is just something people say, possibly regional.

There's always, "Hello X, how nice to see you." That is polite and wouldn't offend.

Why must people be so crass as to make personal comments all the time? Unforgiveable when it's a friend who presumably knows of an illness. People can be so dumb and unthinking at times.

OP, sorry to read your post and that of others also suffering. I get it.

I don't really understand why there's a need to comment on people's appearance at all - why not just say 'how are you?' if you don't know what to say to someone who's ill?

When my sister was dying of cancer she went from a gorgeous tiny size 8 to an emaciated size 4 but at that point she was still well enough to go out in public. People would comment on how fabulous she looked, so lovely and slender, despite knowing she had cancer. I could have punched them, frankly. Just ask her how she is.

When she died I lost a lot of weight through grief - went from a size 10 to a size 6 - and so many people would greet me by saying 'you look amazing, you've lost so much weight, what's your secret?' leaving me the choice between explaining (which would make me cry and make them feel bad) or just glossing over it with a vague remark while internally screaming 'my sister is dead and I don't know how to cope with that'.

A friend who has had an ED in the past and still has a tricky relationship with food started restricting again after not doing so for a long time. The trigger was that an acquaintance had told her she looked well, which as many people do she heard as 'you've gained weight'.

Just don't comment on people's appearance unless you know them very well.

Someone's offended by what people say to them so goes onto social media to be offended that people don't agree that she should be offended by it.

I like the phrase. It means I look healthy