"You are looking well"

[Nevermay]

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

I still think people are being positive and kind. Even (or especially?) if they know about the illness, they're saying I know things are really rubbish for you, but actually you look quite good. Why assume they're being dismissive?

I have cancer and have been through chemo, hair loss etc. I think people find it difficult to know what to say and often inadvertently say weird things. Personally I don’t judge people by what they say. If you constantly judge people, you will find them wanting.

In East Anglia it definitely means "ooh you've got fat!", I got it a lot when I went back to work after having DS (and yes I had).

Well I learned something today and I'll take it on board.

I say 'you're looking well' genuinely as a compliment.

If someone said it to me I'd be pleased!

BUT

It's unsolicited comment on someone's appearance which is washing over everything a person might be dealing with and condensing a person down to a 'you don't look horrible today'

So thank you, I hadn't really thought about it but I will stop doing it!

Still not sure on the 'fat' thing, maybe it's a class thing or before my time?

In your opinion. But not in mine.

I think you're being really harsh, sorry.
And you're calling people 'blind and stupid' now makes you no better than the people who are probably just saying something that they think is nice. It can be awkward or hard to know what to say to a sick person.

(Coming from someone with a life long terminal cancer before anyone comes at me.)

It sort of depends who is saying it and how much they know about what you're going through with treatment etc. if it's close friends, family etc then that's different from vague acquaintances. We are none of us the centre of other peoples lives (children excepted) and everyone has stuff going on, some of which you may have inadvertently been insensitive about at some point. Expecting other people to come out with acceptable phrasing at all times will do nothing but increase your stress levels.
On the either hand I can get the minimising feeling that some people are talking about, like it's a way of shutting down how shitty everything is for you as you "look well " but I'd suspect that is more hopeful out of care for you than anything else, especially if it's from people who you know care about you.
But overall I'd agree we are generally awful at talking about serious illness, with its threat of loss, and I have learned something from this thread in terms of how I talk to people in future.

People are trying to be nice to you, make you feel better. Clearly they're failing but I think you need to tell them so they understand.

I agree. I've said it all my life and I'll carry on saying it. It has only ever been said with good intent and will only ever be said with good intent.

There are many utterly vile things in life. This isn't one of them.

I'm very sorry to hear about your diagnosis OP. I hope that your treatment is successful and you are able to make a full recovery. I think people are just trying to be nice. Everyone reacts to a cancer diagnosis and the corresponding changes in appearance in a different way. For some, this kind of comment might be an encouragement. Maybe you could find a response along the lines of 'thank you, but I'm finding comments like these really difficult as they don't acknowledge the nightmare that my body is going through currently.' Your anger is understandable, but perhaps a little misplaced.
Language around cancer is so emotive. I personally find it very upsetting when people talk about others who 'have beaten their cancer, because they fought hard.' My dad died from cancer and fought in an extremely heroic way. The problem was he just had a horrific diagnosis and he was never going to get better...he wasn't any less strong. Although I still find it irritating, as the years have passed I am able to process comments like this in a lighter way now and understand that no offence is meant. It does still hurt though.

I honestly say this a lot as a general polite greeting. Have never meant it in anyway relating to weight, or to someone’s actual health status. I will have a re-think as perhaps it’s being over-interpreted in certain ways.

81% of people disagree with you

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a shit time. I get “you’re looking well” all the time. I’ve lost a lot of weight (and I mean A LOT, I’m half the weight I was) very quickly and now a size 8….surely not all people mean it as a back handed way of saying you got fat?

That’s absolutely not a boastful comment, I just think people assume they are saying a nice thing. I will certainly think twice about saying it for fear of upsetting someone unintentionally.

I think it's far more likely to mean you've lost weight (if you needed to), have a bit of a tan or have finally found a lipstick that suits you, than that you've gained weight

And? My experience is my experience and not negated by other people's opinions. If almost 1 in 5 people agree with me then it might be worth taking time to consider that this is clearly a thing, perhaps in some regions or age groups or whatever, rather than being so determined that your opinion is the only valid one.

I'm really bored with this exchange now. I posted an anecdote to illustrate one viewpoint, you've decided to take exception to it, but I don't actually care what you think so I'll get on with the much better things I have to do than go round in circles like this.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP and I hope she finds a way of addressing this with people.

Me and my Mum talked about this when she was going through chemo.

We figured that people are trying to ask how you are without directly asking how you are. "How's treatment going?" seems too personal, "Christ, you look like shit, how are you holding up?" might be more accurate, but probably also not appreciated.

What they actually mean is "I don't want you to die, can you reassure me that that's not going to happen soon?" but thats too scary to even contemplate, so they settle on "You look well" in the desperate hope that you're going to say "Oh yes, I'm doing much better thanks"

I can completely understand that it's a horrible thing to have to hear when no, you're really not looking well, and that the ill person would probably rather you didn't bring up their health at all.

But it's also very hard not to put that "Please don't die" out into the world.

How are people still not getting this!?

You don't need to say "you look anything", you're just foisting your opinion on someone's appearance based on what you think is what they want to hear.

It's unnecessary and rude.

Just stop it.

Meanwhile in the real world... @WhatWillAPearDoAtNight

By the way, I am sympathetic to op. But no, stop being perpetually offended at well-intentioned comments. People can't say anything without someone having a cow

My brother in law is having cancer treatment. He’s really been through it, but he does look well. He was at hospital this week for his first post surgery chemo infusion (after a gruelling pre surgery 8) and the medics he saw all mentioned how well he looks. He was very buoyed up on his return. It’s not always an intrusive or unnecessary comment.

@FoodCentre

I would just brush it off myself with a polite 'thank you', and have done in the past, even if it irritated me, but if I was seriously unwell with cancer then yeah I would be upset and offended.

People just say these things without thinking or caring about how it may affect others.

For those asking "well, what should I say?", the answer is "Hello <whatsisname>,how lovely to see you". No need at all to comment on their appearance. Of course if they are wearing an amazing dress or whatever and you would usually compliment such things you could do so.

Quite.

Calling people with good intent vile, ignorant, pricks, stupid, blind, rude, intrusive etc is out of order and totally unnecessary. So is the cancer you have and the treatment you're going through. You're directing your aggression at well-meaning people who are trying to wish you well. That's understandable - but not ok.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. You've been dealt a very shitty hand. I hope your treatment is successful.

If I had a serious illness, i might be annoyed too, but it doesn't mean it's justified. Everything would annoy me if I was ill

A 'thanks for that, but I'm not really feeling great' is enough to appreciate what they're saying, but also open up conversation and not have to pretend you're alright.

Is this your friends OP, acquaintances or strangers?
Do you live in a small community where people you know will be at the bus stop.
I'd like to think my friends and family would know me well enough for us to have had a conversation about how much or little I wanted to talk about my treatment.

May I ask; if I know someone is undergoing chemo (or any other harsh treatment) what's the best way to ask about them? I care so I want to know how they're feeling.

..:and then we'll get "I bumped into a friend today who knows I'm undergoing chemo, yet she didn't even mention it, just a breezy lovely to see you"